Chapiter 2

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Ideal timeline,

December 22, 2012, after the accident

For a split second, I was alive, once again. A limitless joy threatened to make my chest explode and tears of joy wanted to cry away from my eyes. I am home. The only thing that existed once again, the promise of a love that would never leave. My heart was allowed to beat, once, twice, thrice, bringing a soft and pleasant warmth in every bits of my body and soul. I am home.

I could see through my closed eyelids that the light was still strong around me, but I risked my eyes open. The light didn't hurt anymore, even so it was bright as before if not more, even. It appeased me, like a soft murmur promising that everything would be alright, that the past stayed in the past. It also didn't seem to have a single source, as if it came from everywhere at a time.

For a split second, I forgot about all my problems and my heart tighten with comfort. If you would ask me right now, I could forgive the entire Universe for putting me through so much in such a short time. I could also forgive the love of my life for leaving me like this. I could forgive myself for forgetting you I was, who I am, and who I wanted to be, forgive myself for not doing everything in my power to get the life I always wanted.

What was keeping me from it, eh? I would want a friend group in which I would be accepted for who I am, not who I pretended to be. I would like to ease my mom's burden, my education, leave school so she wouldn't have to work so much anymore. I would like to tell myself I could find another special someone, that there were plenty of fish in the sea, and made myself believe that he was not special. That many others could be like he was.

For a split second, I hugged myself, sitting on the ground, and contemplated the infinite beauty of the light surrounding me. I am here, it seemed to whisper, making my skin and bones shiver. I am here, it reminded me, the murmur of a memory that I could not name. I am here, stronger, clearer. Another trick from my mind? Too many weird stuff was already happening that made my mind spin.

What was happening to me?




August 26th, 2012

For about two weeks, I was able to calm mom down with my change of attitude. She seemed satisfied with my progress and stopped bugging me about psychologist and hospitals. However, with school starting in less than a week, her worries doubled, her thoughts going crazy as she pictured me crying as soon as she's not watching. As if I didn't have enough with her spinning energy that enveloped me and choked me every two minutes, now these images forced themselves into my mind, and it was driving me crazy. She is determined to bring my life back to normal, without knowing that I was way passed the point of no return. Nothing would ever be the same anymore, but I was going to do everything in my power to make her think so, so she'd leave me alone.

Her new idea was to buy me new clothes, because I had lost a lot of weight these past months and, apparently, I needed a renewal. So, she more or less forced me into going to the town mall, and I could not be more pissed about it. Being in the crowd was never one of my favorite activities, and now, I was dreading it because of those... problems I've been having since... the accident. How could I endure a tornado of spinning energies, a storm of thoughts, flashes and images for a whole day?

I didn't say a word has I climbed in the car. Why did she choose to go to the mall this time? We were always buying at the thrift shop; first because clothes were ridiculously cheaper, and our budget was not that great, even though Mom worked three jobs at the same time and cumulates about 70 hours per week to make us live without me working. And secondly, for many things, I preferred second handed clothes. Even if there were more elderly clothes, there were a lot of choices, and I had always found what I needed.

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