Waiting.

chapter two.

i walked into the school cafeteria on a friday morning, 20 minutes early. trevor and alaina were sitting at our usual table, elizabeth and luke weren't there though. i slung my dr pepper down on the table and both of them looked at me.
"where are luke and elizabeth?"
"probably making out somewhere." alaina rolled her eyes.
"since when are they back together?" i asked. this was an on-going thing, always.
"it apparently happened somewhere in between 4:30 yesterday afternoon and 6 o'clock this morning, just because neither of us talked to us in the time between those hours. so the exact time is particularly hard to say. but they've been all over each other ever since, which isn't anything new."
"so you've seen them this morning?" i raised my eyebrows.
"well, yeah. everyone here did. they walked in hand in hand and then luke announced that they were together again. then they just walked out and went towards freshman hall." trevor tapped on the table. this wasn't anything new, or extraordinary. i wasn't shocked and neither were they. it was quite annoying, but who cared anyways? at least they were happy and not throwing insults across the table at lunch.
"well just how typical is that?" i half whispered as amber lawley walked over to our table.
"hey, hayes-th." she sputtered with her unattractive lisp. she had scraggly teeth, thick black hair that came down to about the middle of her back, and wore baggy jeans with old band t-shirts. and she also had a crush on me, might i add since seventh grade.
"hello, amber." i said without looking up at her. this was also a daily thing. another routined thing.
"you look nice-th today."
"thank you, amber." then i did my best to start a conversation with trevor. "so im going to will's game tomorrow at home, an-"
"can i s-th-it down?"
"luke and elizabeth are going to sit there."
"but they're not here." she looked as if she was pouting but i couldn't tell her happy face from her sad face. frankly, i didn't care to.
"LOOK AMBER, HAYES DOESNT WANT YOU TO SIT HERE, HE DOESNT WANT YOU TO STAND THERE AND QUESTION HIM, OR COMPLIMENT HIM, AND NEITHER DO I. SO SC-TH-OOT." trevor erupted. Amber looked hurt then angry. she stomped off.
"well, that escalated quickly." alaina deadpanned.
"im tired of her messing with us." trevor stood up and grabbed his drink, then walked out of the lunch room.
"what's his problem?" now it was just alaina and i.
"rachel is his problem, hayes."
"what happened?" this was way out of the ordinary, which was good for a change. but at the same point, very odd.
"apparently, they got in an argument over trevor hanging out with me at my house last week. we were studying, nothing happened. but she found out, then there was yelling, and the next thing i knew trevor was back at my house almost in tears over the whole thing." she wasn't even looking at me when she said it all, she was swishing around her gas station bought Starbucks bottle.
"well that's out of the ordinary. but if it was over you, then why did trevor come to you?"
"that's the same thing i've been asking." she stood up and sighed. "i don't know anymore, hayes. life just sucks, especially when you're in love with someone who's in love with someone else." then she walked away. i was alone, stuck in thought about the whole thing. alaina just had to be dramatic about it, and trevor didn't know anything. yet again, i was stuck in the middle of it.
the first bell rang, interrupting my thoughts. i got up and headed to my locker. trevor was standing at my locker when i got there.
"im sorry for walking out like that."
"it didn't really upset me, but apology accepted, i guess?"
"it's just rachel, man. she's so...so...i don't know. picky, i guess." he got out of the way of my locker and ran his fingers through his floppy, brown hair. he was short, maybe 5'8. but i was 6 ft, not much taller than him. he still seemed short to me, though. he was very muscular.
"yeah, i know how you feel." i opened my locker and got my books out.
"alaina is just my friend, there's nothing between us."
"from your side." i was actually really annoyed with the whole thing, and of trevor hadn't caught on by now i had all the more reason to tell him.
"what do you mean by that?"
"you know how alaina feels about you, dude. it's obvious." we started walking towards first period geometry.
"she had her chance."
"you know as well as i do that she couldn't back then. don't even act like it's her fault, because you know it's not. you know it's not." it sort of pissed me off that he would act so selfish.
"i liked her for a year, hayes. she was able to do whatever she wanted to for six months of that year."
"you just don't get it, do you? she was suicidal for that six months, and then she tried to kill herself. she was in no shape to date you or anyone else, for the matter."
"i could've helped her."
"when could you have helped her? when she was in the hospital bed? that's bullsh*t, trevor. nobody could save her." i was starting to get angrier and angrier.
"oh, really? have you ever taken the time to think about just who picked her up off of the bathroom floor? apparently you haven't, because it wasn't her dad like she tells everyone. it was me. so cut the 'nobody could save her' sh*t. because i did. she would be dead right now if i hadn't of busted down her back door and ran to her. where were you when she tried to kill herself, hayes? where were you?" my stomach sank into my shoes and puddled. i looked down.
"that's what i thought." he said, matter-of-factly.
the only thing that i could muster up the courage to say was, "how did you know?"
"she hadn't answered my texts for over an hour. she had just told me she was feeling urges again, and i was scared. i felt something wasn't right so i ran to her house as fast as i could. the front door wasn't coming down, so i jumped the fence and broke the back door down. i heard her weeping screams, and then i found her in her bathtub, half naked, covered in blood. she had cut herself up her arms and was bleeding out. she had been bleeding for about an hour so i called 911 and they rushed over. she was fading in and out of consciousness, saying 'i don't wanna be here anymore. just let me go, please just let me go.' the next thing i knew, the whole block was full of cop cars and her parents and ambulances and by-standers. they took her to the hospital and i followed the ambulance with her parents in their car. 45 minutes after being questioned by her parents and the police at the hospital, you showed up with luke and elizabeth." we had just gotten into our class and he sat his books down.
"you bastard. why didn't you tell me?" i was raging mad then.
"some things are better left unsaid, hayes."
"why does she say it's her dad?"
"maybe it was because people would've said i did it, or maybe it was because she really did think it was her dad. i really don't know exactly why, she just does. and it doesn't bother me, not anymore." he sat down in his seat and raised his eyebrows. "don't tell anyone." how am i supposed to respond to that?
then the bell rang. i sat down in my seat and spent the next hour and twenty minutes reminiscing on what trevor had told me while mindlessly writing notes that God knows i'll never use.

after my first 4 class periods, lunch finally decided to come. as soon as the bell rang, i bolted out of that classroom. i went to my locker then straight to the lunch room. i was the first one to sit down at our table, but it didn't bother me. i wanted to be alone with my thoughts.
ten minutes after i was there, elizabeth and luke walked in, hand in hand of course.
"so how's the happy couple?" i asked as they sat down, elizabeth smiling.
"happy." luke laughed. they really were perfect for each other, no matter how sickening they were.
"well, that's good to hear. have either of you seen alaina or trevor?"
"the last i saw of them, they were at the door that leads out into the courtyard. alaina looked pretty angry from what i could see." elizabeth pulled out her Chapstick and applied some as if what she saw of them didn't matter.
"oh? that doesn't sound too promising."
"alaina and trevor doing anything alone doesn't sound too promising, in my opinion." luke rolled his eyes. " anyways, do you want to go get something to eat?"
"i think i'll pass. are you two going off campus?"
"yeah," luke took his phone out and typed something, then looked back at me. "trevor said he'd be down to go. you sure you don't want to?"
"yeah, i've got stuff to work on. i'll see you guys later, though."
"okay. you down for a movie tonight?"
"im going to Will's game tomorrow, i would but you know how it goes." i felt bad for blowing them off, but we moved to florida so long ago for will. i didn't have to go, but i wanted to.
"aw, i wish you could come, hayes." elizabeth pouted. luke shot her a look. and everyone wondered why they couldn't stay together.
"you know i would, lizzy." luke shot me a look. i had to get away from them before i went off on him. his jealousy was absolutely ridiculous. "i gotta go. I'll see you later, maybe." i stood up and walked out. i had to find alaina. first, i went down freshman hall, a place that seemed so distant but in reality it had only been a few months since those halls were my home. but she wasn't there. then i went down sophomore hall, she wasn't there either. junior hall, still wasn't there. senior hall, not there. then i remember elizabeth saying she was in the courtyard with trevor. i practically ran there. i peered out the dirty window to see alaina, sitting on one of the concrete tables with her head between her knees. i swung open the metal door as quietly as i could, and walked over. i sat down next to her. we sat silent for a minute, which felt like an eternity, before she finally spoke.
"i suppose he told you." she whimpered. she had been crying, just as i had suspected.
knowing exactly who "he" was and what he told me, i spoke. "he did. it's not anything to be embarrassed of alaina, i just wanted to ask if you kn-"
"yes, i knew it was trevor. i wasn't that hysterical. i tell people it was my dad so trevor doesn't seem like an insane freak, breaking into my house on an assumption. i also say this because he doesn't need everyone saying he did it. his anger issues are too bad for that. i told trevor that about ten minutes ago,
yet he proceeded to tell me that he deserved some sort of recognition, since i've never talked to him about it. i told him that i was thankful, and he said it was a bit too late for that. then he walked away. i don't know where he went, but he was pissed. i don't know when i started crying either. so there's your explanation. if you're here to yell at me, which you usually don't do sh*t like that, don't waste your time. trevor made me feel terrible enough about it without yelling." she interrupted me with all the answers to all my questions, and in that moment, i had no words to speak. nothing to say. i was just blank. she looked up at me, and i wiped away a black, mascara-stained tear that was strolling down one of her baby doll cheeks. she was beautiful, and she didn't deserve this pain.
"i don't know what's wrong with me, hayes." then the words came.
"we're all a little messed up, you know? i mean, some of us feel like our only escape is mutilating ourselves with blades. some of us feel like our only escape is a sport that doesn't matter. once, i read a line that said, 'there is not one person in the universe who isn't cripplingly sad about something. think before you speak.' something along those lines. and if you think about it, it's got a lot of truth to it. look around. some people have every possession they could ever want, but they're still sad. that doesn't make them an ungrateful person. there's a difference between being sad and being thankful. sad doesn't mean ungrateful. having everything you need or want doesn't automatically mean you're not allowed to feel pain, you know? so it's okay if you're upset, alaina.
everyone gets upset. hell, some people stay upset. there are too many sad songs and too many sad poems for you to think you're alone."
she looked at me with ocean eyes and a tundra heart.
"thank you, hayes. i love you." she embraced me, then kissed me on the cheek.
she got down from the concrete table, and planted her two feet firmly in the soil beneath our feet. i stood up with her, and we walked into the building. that was it.