Talk Me Down

"Troye?" I called, letting myself into our new apartment. It was a pretty nice place, but what had really made us buy it was that it was within walking distance of Troye's recording studio, plus not too far away from the studio where Korey and I are still recording Psychobabble.

"Troye?" I called again, letting my heart sink when he didn't answer. Usually when I was out late, Troye would wait up for me and we'd go to bed together. Today, he obviously hadn't, though, so I made sure to be extra quiet while sneaking through the house to make sure I didn't wake him.

Setting my stuff down on the table silently, I crept back to the bedroom. It wasn't until I realized Troye wasn't in bed like I expected him to be that I started to panic.

"Troye? Troye, where are you honey? You're starting to worry me." I walked back out to the main room of our apartment, hoping to find Troye asleep on the couch or something. Instead, I found a crisp white page folded carefully with my name written in neat capital letters across the front. My heart sank as I picked it up, immediately recognizing Troye's handwriting.

Shakily, I unfolded the page and began silently reading the letter left behind by the man I loved more than anything in the world.

Tyler:
I'm sorry. You told me not to let it get to me, and I did. Does that make me a bad person? I left you here, on your own, right after I promised you forever. I know you're going to blame yourself, but it's not your fault. It's never been your fault. Everything is always mine; don't put any blame on yourself.

I know you're going to hate me for this, but I'm giving you back the rings you gave me. Don't get me wrong, I still love you with everything I ever had. But you, Tyler... You deserve forever, not a broken boy looking for something better. I've left them by the bed so you don't have to take them off of my hands. See, now you don't have to touch me ever again. Isn't that a good thing? I was too disgusting for you anyways, one of the many things that the fans got right. Give the rings to someone who can love you just as much as you loved them, and not in a broken down way. Give them to someone who won't succumb to the hate and sadness, who can give you forever. Give them to someone who is infinitely better than anything I ever was.

Go ahead and adopt that child that you've always wanted. My commitment is no longer in your way: go ahead and do everything you ever wanted to do but didn't because I was too scared. Move out to Britain to be closer to the gang; you never said it out loud but everyone knew you had wanted to. Leave our crappy apartment behind. Sever all ties you have to me and move on with your life. Just because I couldn't be happy doesn't mean that you can't be.

Just forget about me. I always made you miserable anyways. Find someone who actually makes you happy for once, and just forget all about me. I wasn't worth your time anyways.

I'd like to say thank you. You've helped me so much over the years, it's beyond fathomable. Even if in the end I wasn't strong enough, you did so much for me up until then. Maybe I should have trusted you more and told you all of the problems I was having, but I didn't, and I'm the only one who should have to suffer from that decision. If you hadn't figured it out already, I had started cutting again. I know you thought I was better, but it had all become too much. It didn't start off as bad as it had been, but the pain was addicting. I couldn't help it, Tilly. I just couldn't stop myself anymore. My social anxiety came back, too, worse than it had ever been. And, if it wasn't evident from the rest of the letter or even just the existence of said letter, my self-hatred and suicidal thoughts had come back. Honestly, I don't think they ever leave. Not completely, anyways. Sure they may disappear for a little while or become easier to ignore, but to just leave all together? That will never happen. And that's okay. Some people can live with them. I could not. Even my fear of oblivion is less terrifying than living with them for the rest of my life.

I know I've said this before, Tyler, and I know that it's cliche, but please, just move on. Forget about me. Do whatever it takes to have a happier life than the one that I had.

Tell my fans that I'm sorry, too. They're going to be devastated, but I'm sure they can move on eventually. They all had lives before I became popular, so I'm sure they can live on long after I'm gone. There are two things I have for them, though. On my laptop, you'll find a video. Don't worry, I've already edited it for you. I didn't want you to have to go through that pain. Can you upload it for me, please? To give the fans a little bit of closure? Also, in that side pocket that I never use in my laptop bag, you'll find a cd. That's yours to keep, but can you download it onto my laptop for me? It's the first half of the album I was working on. You can release it as another EP. You also know where I keep all of my music stuff. The rest of the songs were finished but not recorded. I know you can sing, Tilly, even if you didn't want to admit it. You can finish the album for me, if you want. Just, please, give my fans what you can of the rest of the me they knew.

I've sent letters over to Tyde and Sage, so you don't have to call them right now. At least wait until you're ready.

Just remember that I loved you. I still love you. I will never stop loving you. I'm just sorry I couldn't hold on any more, and now you're having to deal with the aftermath. Don't do anything stupid, okay? Nothing you'll regret in the future.

So, I guess this is goodbye, then.
I love you.
I love you with all of my cold, dead heart.
Goodbye, Tilly.
Goodbye, my love.

Troye

The page quickly became soaked with my tears as I read his note over and over. I sank to the floor, clutching the note to my chest as I wept openly. I don't know how long I sat there on the floor, but it wasn't until I had cried all of the water out of my system that I stood up and my way back to the bedroom.

The rings, Troye's engagement ring I had gotten him and his wedding ring that matched the one still around my finger, were right where Troye said they would be. I grabbed them, hugging them tightly to my chest. Collapsing on our bed, I snuggled into his pillow, inhaling the scent that was so strongly, unashamedly Troye. The one smell that would now fade, that would be gone forever in a matter of days.

Shakily, I took one of Troye's thinner chain necklaces off of the dresser where he kept them and, stringing the rings through them, hung the necklace around my neck. I briefly thought about uploading his video now when I couldn't cry anymore, but the thought of seeing Troye again, alive but broken, was heartbreaking. Instead, I chose to check the bathroom to see if that was where Troye's body was.

Slowly I pushed the door open and covered my mouth as tears once again welled up in my eyes from what I was seeing. Troye, the love of my life, was sprawled across the floor of the bathroom in a heap. Several empty pill bottles were sprawled across the cabinet, but there wasn't a pill within sight. He had taken them, all of them, in hopes that they would put him out of there misery he was living in. I collapsed on the floor next to him, hugging his unresponsive body to me as I wept into his shoulder. Without Troye, I am nothing. He was my other half; I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't do anything without him by my side.

I need Troye.
I need Troye to live.
I need Troye to talk me down.

But Troye isn't here any more. I have nothing to live for, no one to talk me down.

Still crying silently, I gripped Troye's body close to me as I rocked back and forth and began to quietly sing in his ear, my voice breaking from the emotion and tears seeping their way into every word, every note of the song.

But I wanna sleep next to you
And that's all I want to do right now.
And I want to sleep next to you,
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds,
So come over now,
And talk me down.

*A/N* Umm... I'm sorry, guys. I actually didn't mean to write something this depressing... It kind of just happened. But, yeah... I hope you at least enjoyed it and that it gave you all the feels. Feel free to comment about stuff you feel like I could have done better. So, yeah. I guess that's it! Oh, and the song that I used at the end is actually part of a Troye Sivan song, but we haven't heard the whole thing yet. It's called 'Talk Me Down', and if you search it on youtube the peice that the fandom has should come up. Enjoy!