Desiderium

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𝐏 𝐀 𝐑 𝐓   𝐈

A R A B E L L A

Desiderium...

An ardent desire or longing especially: a feeling of loss or grief for something lost.

I always felt a void in my life but I never could pinpoint what it was exactly.

Like I was longing for something, something that even I didn't know what it was.

I was unknowingly grieving...

But grieving what exactly?

Maybe it was the fact that I grew up without a father, or maybe it was the fact that I grew up without siblings.

My father has always been a sore topic for me as I know absolutely nothing about him other than the fact that he was never present in my life.

The curious little girl that I was always asked my mother about him. But as soon as he was mentioned, the whole atmosphere around her changed. The cheery, loving mother alters into a depressed, guilty soul. The way her eyes lit up and then start to tear up at the mention of my father made my heart ache for her. It was ineffable.

I was a little girl longing for a fatherly figure and her father's love. I wanted to know more about him but if my curiosity will cause my mother pain then that change everything.

My mother was an amazing woman. And I would do anything for her. I would never let her shed a tear just to satisfy my selfish desires. So I let it go. I never asked about him anymore. To this day I know completely nothing about him.

Not mentioning my father became like an unspoken rule in my life.

I am currently laying in my bed while watching the calming sunrise through my wide bedroom window. This is how I spend most of my night. I barely get any sleep—Thanks to my insomnia.

I have demons that love to haunt me and visit my mind every time I fall asleep.

I suddenly heard noises, it was probably my mother. I was so mesmerized by the sunrise's beauty that I haven't noticed what time it was. I put my head back on the cold pillow and pretended to be asleep.

"Wake up, mon ange" I heard her delicate voice say, she leaned and placed a soft kiss on my forehead while tucking my hair

I never had the heart to tell her that I spent most of my night sleepless because I don't want her to worry, being a single parent for a teenage girl is enough stress for her. Let's not forget that she works as an attorney at one of the most prestigious law firms in New York City to financially support me.

"Mama, it's still 6 AM. Why are you waking me up so early" I replied rubbing my eyes and yawning. My bed is my favorite place and sleeping is my favorite hobby—well, at least when I manage to actually get some sleep.

"I know but we have to train early today 'cause I have to go to court at 8 AM so get your lazy ass out of bed or I swear I'm gonna throw cold water on you " she explained while she forcefully removed my blanket off of me.

"Fine, fine. I'm up! Chill woman" I yelled as I got up and stretched my arms.

Ever since I turned seven my mother had been training me to fight all kinds of fighting technics you could imagine. However, when I turned ten she started teaching me about guns and knives. It was hard at first but it got easier with time. Now I became an excellent shooter. I could proudly admit that shooting has become my forte.

At first, I honestly didn't know why I need to know all of this until my mother thought I was mature enough to understand. That's when I started to learn about the Martin crime family—or the French mafia as most people labeled it. My grandfather Louis Martin was one of the tremendous French criminals. He also became the head of the Martin crime family ever since my grandmother, the infamous Maryline Martin passed away from cancer a few months after giving birth to my mother's brother.