Bleak, Uncertain, Beautiful...

Sleep

"Hey, man. Been a while, huh?"

"Yeah..."

"A few years go by, and look at you, wife and a kid on the way."

"Yeah, life goes on."

I looked at my old friend, unsure of why exactly I'm here. We had a falling out a few years back, but I guess he felt bad having not invited me to his wedding. I figured the past was well behind us, but the conversation felt stilted, with one of us asking a question, the other responding with one to three words, usually consisting of "uh-huh" or "yeah".

Part of me wants to ask why he called me up now. He mentioned his wedding on the phone along with the fact that they're expecting, but the wedding was a year and a half ago. Something holds that urge back to maintain the peace as we walk along the beach. Then, I get a marvellous idea.

"Remember back in high school? The summers we'd spend out here, you, me and the guys."

He laughs, and takes another drag of his cigarette before flicking it off into the waves. I begin to reprimand him jokingly, but he cuts me off.

"Yeah, we'd come out and smoke shitty weed that we definitely overpaid for, you'd hack your lungs out after the first puff and there'd be barely any left when you were ready for another toke, you fuckin' weakling," he remarks. Turns out reminiscing was the way to go here, then. "And don't you dare bring up the cig butt in the water now, where would we dump our finished joints when we were done?"

"Yeah, I guess you got a point," I laugh to myself as he pulls a joint out.

"What do you say, man? Old time's sake?"

I take the joint from him, remarking that I'll be able to take more than two tokes this time around. That gets a genuine laugh from him.

"Whatever happened to the rest of the guys?" I ask. I know what happened to some, and I'm not sure I want to know about the others, but reminiscing almost always leads to this road, so you might as well just take it.

"Huh? Last I heard, Jack's been pretty much livin' at the bars after Jonah died, Colin has a family of his own now, and.... I'm actually not sure about the others, I kinda... lost touch.." he says before turning his gaze to the sand below. I guess he hasn't heard from the other guys for a while either. I knew about Jack and Dave of course, I went to Dave's funeral, the poor guy.

"Actually, Colin was the only one who ended up makin' it to the wedding. Jack was arrested for some shit I can barely remember, and you... I'm sorry again about that, our pact and all.."

Shit. The pact. Back when we were 12 or so, we made this stupid pact that basically boiled down to us being each other's best men for our respective weddings. Didn't even occur to me, so I reassure him that I don't mind, we were 12 of course.

"It's all good, man. If I can be totally honest, neither of us were very good at putting the past behind us. I figured maybe you hadn't let go and wouldn't have wanted to come, and that inviting you would've burned the bridge completely, I guess. It's stupid-" I interrupt him before he spirals. Spiralling while high is never good. But I guess it had to be brought up.

"I'm sorry I slept with Bridget, man," I finally give my long-awaited apology.

"It's all good, I mean, I've clearly moved on. Shame it broke the gang up completely though."

"Yeah, everyone either taking sides or just dropping out completely because I was a jackass."

"Nah, I admit, I went too far. She fucked around with lots of guys before and after, I just took it out on you for some reason."

There's an uncomfortable silence as we both look down at the ground, the only sound being the lighter as he tosses the used joint and lights another cigarette.

"Those things'll kill you, man," I tell him, and he flips me off.

"They already are. I haven't told Jamie yet, but... they found something a few weeks ago."

"Shit, is it bad?"

"I'm not sure, I gotta do a few tests and shit, they keep saying there's a good chance it's benign and we can just remove it but I'm not sure.. That's actually why I called you out here."

"Oh, you think you're dying so you wanna try and bury the hatchet?" I say, trying and failing to lighten the mood, not knowing what this stupid comment would lead to.

"Jesus Christ, Terry. You always do this shit."

"Do what?"

"You can't fucking let go of the past, can you? I fucking did, I dumped Bridget, met Jamie, got married, and now I'm having a kid, meanwhile it seems like you're still dwelling on high school and when you fucked my ex from nearly 10 years ago."

"Well, you were barely fuckin' talkin' either! I don't know what you've been up to since then, I haven't fuckin' seen or heard from you. I didn't wanna bore you with my stupid life since then, so I figured, hey, maybe reminiscing would get a conversation flowing. I didn't wanna bring any of that shit up, you're the one who-"

"No I fuckin' didn't, I just said I fell out of touch with the rest of the guys and that this was the exact reason why I was worried about inviting you to the wedding. I mean, for fuck's sakes, Terry, it's been 10 years! If you wanted to apologize, you had 10 goddamn years to do so! 10 years where you could've called me, texted me, come up to me and said you were sorry that you fucked my ex!"

"Dan, I was trying to lighten the mood. I just tried to-"

"No, you can't... you can't pull that shit! I just wanted to reconnect, is all. Yeah, I guess the timing was shitty, but.. you were my best friend, Terry. Through thick and thin. I find out I might be dying, and I didn't wanna leave that chapter of my life the way I did."

"Thick and thin? Thick and fucking thin???" I'm starting to lose it. I try to tell myself to keep my cool, to back off, Dave wouldn't want this, I wouldn't want this. It doesn't work too well though. "If you were over it, then it wouldn't have bothered you. I'll be honest with you, Dave, I haven't been up to much since then. I'm directionless, and honestly don't feel I have much in the future lined up for me, so the past is all I have."

"Fine, whatever. Moving on wasn't really your strong suit anyways.."

"Oh, get off your fucking high horse, Dave. If you were really over it so long ago, you would've invited me to the wedding. You wouldn't have waited for a possible cancer diagnosis to reach out to me. Christ's sakes, you invited fuckin' Colin?! Colin threw us under the bus back when-"

"Back when? Fucking hell, man, that was high school! 9th fucking grade! You know what? This was a fucking mistake."

There was another uncomfortable silence, but this one felt heavier. Getting these shitty built-up worries of what little bit of teenage selves we had left out in the air would do that, I guess. I kick an empty can of booze ahead of me as I walk, when Dave mentions something.

"You know, I really hope this tumour is nothing to worry about. I'm sorry for-"

"No, I'm sorry. You're right, it's been 10 years, we should've let go by now."

"Yeah... Remember when we'd camp out here?"

"Yeah, and we'd always forget about the tide coming in and wake up fuckin' soaked!" We share a laugh as we go back to sweeter memories.

"I wanna take my kid campin' out here sometime. I don't want the tumour to be something to worry about, and... I want you in that kid's life."

"You mean, like if you die? Like, being the godfather or some shit?"

"No, no, I mean, if I die then yes, but I just mean in general. You're a cool guy, Terry, I'm sure the kid'll love you. Come over for dinner sometime, maybe?"

"Well, sure, I guess.. Everything's cool then?"

"I mean, I'd prefer you don't mention the whole fiasco with Bridget, I'm over it but I just don't wanna hear it again, y'know?"

"Yeah, that sounds great!"

"They don't do much of that anymore, y'know. Camping out here. It's been mostly deserted, a couple families come around in the summer but that's it?"

"Things change, I guess."

"Yeah."