i climbed into my car and slammed the door behind me. before starting the car i ran my hands through my hair in frustration and exhaled heavily. i turned the key in the ignition and sped out of my driveway. it was hard to focus while i was driving, which wasn't necessarily a huge problem. i knew this route by heart. i turned up the volume on the stereo and robbers was playing. i rolled down each window slightly, feeling the cool april air flow through the car. at a red light, i turned to check my phone and there was no response. i sighed loudly and resumed "paying attention" to the road. since it was fairly foggy out and it was the middle of the day on a wednesday, the roads weren't that busy, which was good considering my mental state. one might say: distracted, angry, angsty, aggressive... which are all true, but also just. i took another quick look at my phone, and still no response. as i was getting closer and closer to my destination, you would assume i would be calming down, but it was just the opposite.
i pulled into the lot and climbed out of the car, still aggressively slamming the door and treading heavily. i could be blind deaf and mute and still know where i was headed. i located the rubble pathway without even consciously doing so, and ran down it. i had no intention of "watching where i was going", because i didn't expect anyone to be here. there never was. when i reached the end of the path, i stopped running abruptly. i lifted up the sheet and climbed into the familiar space. i flopped onto the mattress that was plain in every way possible. the mattress and the duvet that laid sloppily on top were stained slightly with dirt and coffee, but i liked it that way. i stood back up and started pacing back and forth thinking of how to help myself, since i still had received no response. i intentionally feel down to the ground in front of the radio and turned it on. i grabbed a warm coke can from the cooler that was no longer very cool; it never really was. i then went and sprawled out on the mattress trying to control my still heavy and fast paced breathing. i closed my eyes and almost immediately after i did, i heard the sound of sneakers on pebbles and then the quiet and concerned voice of my best friend. "brooklyn im so sorry i had to go buy more tile-"
i opened my eyes and sat up quickly, "you brought tile?"
"yeah... i mean i assumed from your texts you needed tile-"
"you saw my texts? why didn't you respond?"
"i was carrying tile."
i stood up, grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him out through the back of the little fort, into the forest. i took and deep breath. "you ready?" michael said, holding up a tile by its corner, dangling between his thumb and index finger.
i picked up the hammer off the ground and smashed the tile in the air. "another one" i said, and michael took out another with no delay. i hit the tile again, and all of my rage flowed out of me while swinging my arms and watching the tile sprawl across the dirt.
"one more?" michael asked. i nodded. "which is more satisfying to break, a black and white checkered tile or a pale blue?"
"black and white, definitely."
he pulled it out and held it in front of me. i smashed the tile once again and let out a huge sigh. then i smiled. i grabbed michael's hand and brought him back inside the fort. we both laid on the mattress, our heads next to each other, but our bodies facing opposite ways. i took up most of the space, since my legs and arms were sprawled out, leaving michael's legs hanging off the side and his shoes in the dirt.
"okay," he said, both of us staring up at the ceiling (if you could call it that), "list all the theorems used to prove two triangles congruent."
i took a moment and then started listing. "CPCTC, side-side-side, side-angle-side, angle-side-angle, angle-angle-side, and hypotenuse-leg."
"good." he said, "now, spell "horoscope" backwards.
i took a few seconds. "E-P-O-C-S-O-R-O-H"
"great," he smiled, "now, summarize mitosis."
this was a long one. i took a breath and said, "during the first phase, interphase, the chromosomes are considered chromatin, because they are unraveled in order to replicate the DNA. then, in prophase, the chromosomes are duplicated. the chromosomes the form homologs with their pair. the centrioles start to shoot spindle fibers and migrate towards opposite ends of the cell. in metaphase, the homologs line up at the center of the cell. then, in anaphase, the homolegs are seperated into individual chromosomes again, and the cell is split during telophase and cytokinesis." i turned my head away at the ceiling to make eye contact with michael.
"perfect", he said with a smile. i smile and felt the relief flow through my body from my head down to my fingertips and toes.
michael was the only person who i could rely on at all times and the only one who knew how to help me. i've never met a more helpful and understanding person who isn't in the same situation as me, having severe bipolar disorder and major "family" problems. not that michael didn't have family problems, he really did. but he knew how to calm me down and make me feel at ease during my episodes. and his tolerance for me was incredible. he went out on every limb to care for me. after just laying in peaceful silence for a few minutes, i turned to michael.
"can you sing to me?" i asked.
"of course." he said. "with or without guitar?"
"without." i closed my eyes.
"okay." he said, with a caring smile.
"oh i preferred it before
we should ring dad more
lost our house
hold me close
i stopped by, just to wash my clothes
i know its me who's supposed to love you
and when im home you know i got you
is there somebody who can watch you?
i know its me who's supposed to love you
and when im home you know i got you
is there somebody who can watch you?
is there somebody who can watch you?
is there somebody who can watch you?"
and then i was asleep.
