Some people have always felt that the person they love will never love them back. We always think that we're never good for them. Time after time we've all put ourselves down. I'm no different. The inferiority I feel towards other people just suffocates me. I'm an introvert. I barely speak to people. May it be small gatherings or big ones, I don't really care. In my mind, I've already isolated myself. I seldom come out of it. I've never felt the need to come out. I wasn't like this when I was a kid and sometimes I wonder whatever happened to the old me. Time certainly changes us. We never really feel or see it since we're so busy with our lives. We change either for good or bad. Either way, we change.
Now that I'm seventeen, my perspective of the world has changed so much. As a kid, I've always dreamt that I would be a grown up man in this big bad world and I would face it with my mighty sword. Now I just want to be a kid again and dream about how I would defeat this big bad world. In my dreams I was never alone. I was with someone whom I love. But reality is cruel in a funny way. It has a twisted sense of humor really. Now that I've grown up, I'm with people I don't really connect with. And everyday I'd have to face them. Now you see how I see. I know I don't look at the world with pretty colors, but I can't help it. My names Tyler and here's the story of how I came to be the person I am now.
My Dad would often tell me stories of me when I was a still a baby. I've never met my mother and Dad has never mentioned her, well in my pressence that is. And I've never asked him about her either. I'm just too scared of what he would reply with. Growing up without a Mother is difficult. I was often left alone in the house with my families housekeeper. Her name's Aida. She was one of the meanest and biggest liars we've had as a maid. She would often hurt me and lie to my Dad that I hurt myself while I was playing. After awhile, my Dad finally caught up with her lying and fired her immiediately. We hired a new maid soon after she left. Her name's Melrose and she's far nicer and better than Aida ever was. I was quite the happy kid when I was Melrose. She was like my substitute Mother. I would always play with her, like playing chess, running around chasing each other and other kiddie games. She stayed with us for two years. She recieved news that her sister died giving birth and she has to go back home and take care of the baby. She left crying. I could not forget her tears. Hearing that her sister died giving life to a new born. It's rather tragic. She couldn't stop crying. I tried comforting her with my smile and some funny gestures I knew. It brought a small smile on her face. She thanked me and hugged me tightly. "You be good now. I won't be with you anymore. I know it's sad. But be a good boy for me now, won't you?" were her last words that etched into my mind. It was heart wrenching.
"What is this feeling in my heart?" I wondered repeatedly.
"Why won't it stop?" I kept asking.
"My eyes wont shed a tear no matter how it hurts" My feelings wouldn't subside.
These feelings bothered me endlessly as a child. It was a scary feeling. A feeling that I didn't want to recall nor feel again.We've hired countless maids to replace the ones that left. I stopped making friends with them. I was terrified that I might feel it again. I became a child that isolated himself to protect his heart. My Dad was worried that I wasn't energetic anymore. I barely talked or made contact with anyone. I would just sit in my corner and watch shows and cartoons on the television. Cartoons always made me laugh and it was the best feeling in the world for me. The only time my heart would have hurt was probably because I was laughing too hard. I've found comfort in them. Then I found a hobby. Drawing. I always took out a piece of paper from my notebook or just draw on the notebook itself. I liked drawing my favorite cartoon characters in funny positions. I would draw for hours. I wouldn't even notice what time it was. My dad would tell me to go to sleep when it was time for bed. Still, even while I was lying on my bed, my ideas were overflowing in my head. I just wanted to draw non-stop. When I reached the age of 12, I stopped drawing. I found something else that would keep me busy. My first love. I fell in love with a girl in my class. She was my assigned seatmate that our class adviser made. Her name's Lisian. She was the most beautifull girl that I have set my eyes on. I wasn't even aware at first that I fell in love with her. The occasional conversations we made became shorter due to me lacking in replies. I was smitten by her that I got completely side-tracked in every conversation we had. To me she was perfect. My drawing pal, Mikael noticed it before I could. Me and Mikael became friends when I saw him drawing alone after class. I liked his drawing style, it was cartoonish with a side of seriousness. I came up to him without hesitation and told him that his drawings were awesome. He asked if I liked drawing too. Which I did, obviously. We exchanged our sketchbooks and gave each other compliments and after that, we talked non-stop about drawing. Like, how we started, how we changed our styles, how much did we draw in a day. The next day we were the best of friends. Mikael gave me some suggestions on how to make a girl fall in love with you. The idea intrigued me, and with the obsession I had with my love for Lisian, I was desperate. I went to Mikael's house and he discussed with me on techniques on how to dress, how to talk, and how to act so that girls would be attracted to me. I thought he knew what he was talking about, but I regretted it later on. Though he's my bestfriend, his ideas were horribly misleading and made no sense. So, in the end I didn't do what he advised me to. I still thanked him and appreciated that he wanted to help me. I was completely clueless on how to win a girls heart. And I was afraid of rejection too. During class, Me, Lisian, and Mikael were playing a game. It was a guessing game. The rules were simple, each of us had a turn, and when your turn came up, the others that were participating had to guess a person that you're thinking about. The rules only applied to our classmates. So, we could only think of our classmates and no outsiders. My turn came up, and Mikael knew who I was thinking about, which was Lisian. Lisian kept guessing wrong, but Mikael knew what I was thinking so he guessed all of them right. As soon as they guessed all the possible physical traits, they had to say the person's name. They only had three chances and they all got it wrong. Lisian was persistent to know who it was. I'm not sure why, but I told her, "It's the girl right infront of me." She laughed and replied "You're joking, right?" Somehow I felt hurt that she didn't believe me, but since it was a game, I guess it was unavoidable that she'd treat it as a joke. So I played along and agreed with her. The days passed and my usual conversations with her started to wear thin. Each day, it would become smaller and smaller, until eventually, we both stopped talking to each other. Until graduation, I didn't utter a word to her. Something inside me stopped me that day from saying anything to her. I was afraid of rejection. My fear overcame me and grasped me within it's palms and tightened it's hold. I was a kid. A young boy who was maturing and understanding the world he was growing into, slowly learning everyday, new experiences that held everyday. I was a kid and I probably still am. Summer vacation flew by so fast. I barely enjoyed it. It was too short and school was too bothersome to deal with, but that's how life goes. It's too short to waste your days mumbling to yourself like a whacked up guy. Highschool isn't how I imagined it. My elementary teachers kept telling us that highschool would be the time where we'd make most of our memories in our whole lives that'd be worth reminiscing. I beg to differ. When I turned fourteen I found a girlfriend. I met her out of town vacationing with my family. Our meeting was just funny. We met by accident when I wasn't paying attention walking in the park and bumped into her and accidentally staining her dress with the icecream I was eating. I spent the whole afternoon trying to remove the stain on her skirt and saying sorry like a complete dumbass. Her name's Trisha and she was a real beauty. She told me that it was okay and that she knew I didn't mean it. The next day, we met again in the mall by coincidence. But this time she wasn't with her friends and since I wasn't really doing anything but walking around. I sat next to her and started a conversation which ended up us knowing a lot about each other. After that, we both exchanged numbers and started to hang out frequently. Both of us enjoyed each others company. I admitted to her that I've made no friends during my visit here and how it's been really lonesome. Trisha didn't even live in the town. She was having a vacation with her parents as well. We both had no siblings. So, we didn't really have someone our age to talk to at home. We occasionally went out and spent everyday together. It was the best. We both fell in love with each other. We were completely compatible and we always hung out together. There wasn't any problem at all, except our parents of course. But we knew how to keep a secret. It wasn't long before we had our first kiss. It was just a kid kiss. Nothing mature. Just something to lessen the curiosity. The kiss wasn't spectacular, but still, it was something worth while. Our relationship lasted for one year and six months. We broke up understanding each others circumstances, it was becoming a problem for me to keep meeting her out of town and her family had to move somewhere far. It was hard to do but it would have happened even if we didn't consult each other. But during the time I spent with her was the best time I've ever had with anyone. I thought that I'd never met someone like her again or someone that can make me feel that sweet ecstacy of happiness. By the time of my Junior year, I fell in love with one of my classmates without me realizing it. Her name's Kristelle. Unlike the other girls in my class, she was humble, quiet and easy to approach. She had this atmosphere where you'd feel so relaxed with her. She wasn't annoying like the other girls, she wasn't clingy, and she was reilable. Whenever I was with her, I always felt at ease. I could be myself for awhile. Her warm smile, her soft hands, her silky hair, her eyes filled with innocence, her skin was smooth. She was like an angel. I wrote several poems and drew sketches about her. She wasn't like any other girl I've met. She felt so special. I believed that I she was unreachable. She was at a whole different level. I always said to myself that She would never like the real me. I surpressed the feeelings I had for her until I a made the decision to finally confess after a year. I found out from her bestfriend that she liked me too. As soon as I heard it from her, my head was on cloud 9. I could not believe it. Next morning came and I confessed to her with only the two of us alone in the classroom during lunch break. I told her everything. How I loved her for so long. Well technically not a long span of time, but a year is really long. She told me that she'd think about it and that she'd answer me the next day. This is the part where I should not have expected so much. She rejected me. I thought that she liked me back as well. But she said that she already loves someone else. The thought of her sweet yes coming out from her lips, I thought we would finally get into a relationship. But love isn't that easy. Four months passed before I could stop thinking about it, but I still couldn't move on. I was so close and at the same time so far. I shouldn't have taken time for granted. I went into a spiraling depression. I'm glad that my friends were there to cheer me up. I told myself that she wouldn't be the last person I'd fall in love with. I'm still 17 and I still have a life to live. Still, the regret lingers within me. She was inlove with a guy, who's my childhood friend, which added to the hurt. I respected both of them. Since they had a mutual understanding and were so inlove. I gave them my support. If I can see them both be happy, then I'm happy too. It's not quite the situation I had imagined in my dreams, but it's for the sake of her happiness. Teenagehood sure is a rollercoaster ride of emotions. But I'm getting through it. Prom is coming soon and there's only little time left before I bid farewell to my friends and my last highschool love. Things change and people move on. Through all the hardships I had to endure up until now, I've learned that for me to experience things for the better, I need to live through the obstacles that get in my way.
END
