Sleepless Nights - Catradora OneShot

Sleepless Nights

Adora needed everyone, especially Catra, to know she was ready to take on their worries or problems as her own the moment they required. Nightmares weren't uncommon in Brightmoon; war is taxing on the mind and that's not something that fades away so easily. It wasn't unfamiliar to wake up screaming, or to enter the kitchen in the middle of the night and find someone equally sleep-less had beat you there. It wasn't a source of shame, it was expected. Except from Adora.
Adora never complained of nightmares, or woke up with a start, or put her head down at meetings due to exhaustion. If she struggled no one knew about it, but that was how it had always been. Her appearance as a leader and, even if she was less than pleased to know she still carried Horde values, a soldier, were very important to her. Even above that was her status as someone the others could go to at any time. Catra, on the other hand, had hardly gotten a full night of sleep since being rescued from Horde Prime's ship. Things had gotten better than when she first arrived; then she hardly slept at all. But she was still incredibly restless. She often woke up and shot upright, struggling to catch her breath, her mind flooded with images of everything Horde Prime had forced her to see. Catra woke up with unshakable memories of trying to hurt Adora, kill her even, and she couldn't stand it. And as much as Catra used to hate to really need someone the way she needed Adora, her presence was more than comforting in these difficult nights. Catra could move closer to her and Adora would wrap her arms around her without missing a beat. She'd stroke Catra's back and trace her ears with her fingertips. She'd tell Catra she was safe, and that she loved her. And eventually, Catra would remember to believe her. Sometimes on particularly hard nights she'd get up for a walk, not necessarily wanting to be alone but more so because she was afraid Adora would eventually find this behavior to be a burden. But despite Catra's best efforts to sneak out quietly, she was always met with Adora rushing up to her and grabbing her hand, asking "where are we going?" her voice still raspy with sleep. And Catra assured her she was just getting some air, Adora could go back to bed, but she secretly hoped Adora would insist on coming along anyways. And she always did.
What Catra, and the rest of Brightmoon for that matter, didn't know, was that Adora really did have trouble sleeping nearly every night. As much as she wanted to be above the trauma the group had suffered, she wasn't. She kept her nightmares and flashbacks to herself the best she could, and usually it worked. Adora dreaded making herself seem broken in any way that would lead to her friends not wanting to weigh on her with their own issues. She felt sick to think this way but sometimes, while staring at the ceiling in paralyzing silence, she even began to wish for Catra to scare herself awake, so that she could have someone to protect - to help her ignore her own deep need to be protected. Adora cared about Catra more than anything, and she was not about to take away the girl's most trusted source of comfort: herself.
On a particularly hard night, Adora lay on her back, staring straight up at the ceiling. Tears ran silently down her temples as she shook, highly aware of how far Catra was from her in their bed. She looked over at Catra, who was peacefully asleep, and for a moment considered waking her up. She closed her eyes and rolled away from Catra to face the wall, silently cursing herself for even considering allowing selfish thoughts like that. The past few nights Catra had actually been sleeping through the night, and Adora decided she would rather suffer alone than ruin that. 'Catra deserves sleep,' she reminded herself. 'Catra deserves sleep, you don't.' Adora tried to ignore the direction her thoughts were headed in but it was too late. 'She only wakes up with nightmares because you left her. You never should have left her. You never should have left her. You left her. You left her. You left-'
"Adora?" Hearing her name shocked Adora out of her thoughts. She realized she'd been crying. Loudly.
Catra was sitting up, hand on Adora's shoulder, looking down at her with concern. Adora's first instinct was to play it off, to never let Catra see her break, but she knew it was too late.
"I'm sorry," Adora said, sitting up quickly and swiping her wrists across her eyes. "I'm sorry I- I didn't mean to wake you up, I-" she stumbled over her words, not quite able to catch her breath.
"Hey," Catra said softly, but her face wore her shock. She tugged at Adora's waist to pull her closer. "Hey, it's okay." Catra wrapped her arms around Adora and Adora gave in. She gripped the back of Catra's shirt and sobbed into her shoulder, well aware of how much her tears were soaking through Catra's pajama top. "Catra, I'm so sorry," Adora managed in between tearful breaths. "It's all my fault what happened to you, I'm-"
"Adora, baby, it's not your fault," Catra said softly, placing her hand gently on the back of Adora's head. "Shh, take some deep breaths then we'll talk, okay?" Adora nodded, wrapping her arms around Catra's neck to pull herself closer. She wanted to stop crying, to never have started at all, but in Catra's arms neither of those seemed like an option. "I'm sorry," Adora gasped, shaking despite her best efforts to still herself. "Catra, I'm so-" her voice hitched and she abandoned her thoughts. She felt Catra's hands move slowly to her waist and pull her into her lap. Adora sat on Cata's crossed legs, facing her, arms around her neck, head buried in her chest. Her body racked with sobs as Catra hugged her closely, letting her tail snake across Adora's back gently.
"Just breathe, baby, it's okay," Catra practically hummed into her ear. She began purring softly against Adora's body as she traced her spine gently with one fingertip. Adora balled her hands into fists and grasped Catra's clothing, determined to calm down. She almost never got to see Catra so...gentle like this. After a few minutes of Catra purring and rocking her, Adora finally felt able to speak again. She loosened her grip on Catra's shirt and Catra followed suit, slowly lowering her arms so Adora could lean back and face her.
Adora took a deep breath, trying to focus all of her consciousness onto the feeling of Catra's hand on the small of her back. She studied Catra's collarbones, refusing to look into the other girl's concerned eyes. Catra's other hand rested on Adora's face, and she swiped tears from under her eyes with a gentle thumb.
"Talk to me, Adora," Catra coaxed, placing her hand under Adora's chin to lift it. Adora was forced to meet Catra's eyes, which practically glowed with consideration. Adora sighed and leaned into her hand. Why keep the lie up now? Her appearance as invincibly strong was ruined.
"I'm sorry," Adora started, and Catra gave her a soft smile. "You've said, love," Catra replied, wrapping her tail around Adora's arm. "Why are you sorry? Everything's okay, Adora." Adora. She felt her body relax hearing Catra say her name like that. And she felt like she didn't deserve that kind of happiness.
"Everything that happened to you is my fault. I never should have-" she sobbed once without meaning to. "I never should have left you."
Catra's eyes widened, as if she saw all at once how exhausted Adora looked. Catra thought she looked small like that, in the dark room with her head hung. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Adora." She pulled Adora into a hug, hating the thought of a time when they weren't close enough to touch this way. "It's over, I'm here now. It's not your fault."
Catra slowly guided Adora to lay down with her, Adora never letting go of Catra the whole way down. She lay with her head on Catra's chest, listening to the soft purring of her breathing. Catra tugged out Adora's usual ponytail so she could run her fingers through her hair. She pulled the blanket over them as she kissed the top of Adora's head.
"How long has it been like this?" Catra asked, looking up at the same ceiling Adora had been studying alone only a few moments before.
"A while," Adora replied, choosing her words carefully. "I guess as long as I've been here," she let out a small laugh in disbelief of herself for hiding this mess for so long. Under her, Catra tensed.
"I'm sorry I-" Catra trailed off, twirling a piece of Adora's hair between her fingers. "I don't know how I never noticed. Why didn't you say anything, Adora?"
"I don't know. I guess I just never wanted you to feel like I was too preoccupied with myself to be there for you. Or anyone else here. I wanted to seem stronger than this."
Catra traced the outline of Adora's shoulder. "You're the strongest person I know," she said. "Honestly, with what we've been through, if you weren't a little messed up I'd think you were crazy or something." Adora laughed quietly, and she felt Catra's smile without looking at her face. "You don't have to pretend to be perfect, okay? Not around me." Catra began purring quietly as she noticed Adora was already half asleep. "I love you, Adora." Adora hugged her tighter in response, and the two of them slowly fell asleep. Their legs intertwined as Catra's arms wrapped securely around Adora, keeping her still on her chest. Adora's breathing fell in sync to Catra's purring, and she had never felt so relaxed.
Adora decided the next morning, as she woke up in Catra's arms, that the next time she felt like that she'd let Catra hold her again. It had been stupid of her to think she could do this on her own. She breathed in just as Catra breathed underneath her, and she realized it just wasn't worth it to have to fight alone for an appearance when Catra clearly wasn't going anywhere after seeing Adora the way she had the night before. And she was right, Adora was messed up, and not for no reason, either. Adora needed everyone, especially Catra. And she was okay with that.