Spiritual Healing

Creation

CH 1: Build Your Own Family (Some Assembly Required)

I've never known my biological mother; I was a trash dump baby, left on the doorstep of the fire station in town and adopted by two women from the woods. When I think about it, I can't say that I condone the actions of my mothers. I know it was the 1970's and they would never let two female "roommates" adopt a baby, even an abandoned one, but... I can't say that living without a birth certificate has been easy.

Still. I turned 21 this September, and I've decided that 21 is old enough to know the truth. It's time that I meet my birth mother, and my father too (if I can find them).

I can't say that I resent my mothers for deciding to take a back-door baby and giving it a loving home, but I'm an over-active daydreamer so I can't stop myself from wondering how my life would've been different if I hadn't been left there. Or if someone else has picked me up. It's not that I'm complaining (well, actually, I am complaining), because in many ways I'm happy with the way things turned out, especially considering some of the things that I've heard about the foster care system, still- living like this feels weird. I don't know my parents, any of my family, my first home, anything... no name, no face, no identity. I know many people would say I'm over analysing things and that identity is what you make it, not what is given to you, but I'm not so sure. Human nature is wanting what we can't have, or what we don't have, so it's only human nature that I crave to know these things so badly.

CH 2: Higher Powers

I don't pretend to know everything, and I definitely wouldn't want to know everything. But there are times when I wish I could have a God's eye view of my life (especially the moment I was abandoned). More than that, I wish I could go back and rewatch my life as if it was a movie, to reassess all of my mistakes, and reconsider all of my old choices. I know it's impossible, but there's something alluring about the idea of being completely in control of everything (probably because humans are obsessed with controlling things- that's why we love the idea of higher powers).

A God's eye view of my life is maybe the only way I'd be able to find my biological parents. Even if, by some miracle, I was given unlimited access to all public records in my area, my town isn't that small. There are several babies born each day. Plus, I don't know how old I was when I was left on the doorstep; I could've been anything from six months to 1 week old. So, I'm going to have to search through birth records for the entire first half of 1976 in my town (and that's assuming I was born in a hospital- if I was a home-birth then I have no chance).

My Mums are endlessly worried about me and what might happen if I find out something that I wish I didn't know. But I'm not stupid: I know you can't unlearn things. I've never believed in the idea that "ignorance is bliss", because even if I was dying tomorrow I'd like to know that I was going to die. Other people might prefer to remain ignorant and just go about their normal life, but I think being too naive means you walk right into danger. If you were a chicken, you would need to know that the foxes den is a dangerous place for you. Nature doesn't remain ignorant, because animals know that ignorance is not bliss- it's vulnerability.

Either way, I'm prepared to know what I need to know, no matter what the cost might be. It's like when I was young, Mum used to joke that I had a head made out of steel because no matter how many times I knocked against the kitchen counter or fell off the swings I always got up again and continued running.

I've learned to live with difficult things- it's a natural part of life.

[...]

At eight years old I was already well-invested in the folklore of the forest that surrounded our house. The woods were like my childhood playground. The old green trees housed more friends than I could count; birds, frogs, tiny little mice, ladybirds, squirrels, and so much more.