I'm breathing hard and my chest is pumping, slow and fast, hard and soft. My breathing labored and I can feel as if my breath were in a cold place. Spewing mist and every beat of my heart, I felt. No, not the kind where you realize you are alive, but as if, you are being chased and someone is after you. Chasing and there it rises. Fear, panic, and lostness. I know it isn't a word but I feel so lost and with that feeling, everything rises. I want to get away and be with family or someone right now, to talk to, but the worst part of it all is I'm stuck. Sitting, hunched down, and my shit dropping on water. Splashing my ass and adding fuel to the fire. Of all days, why did my phone just went out. How much of a daredevil was I in attempting to go with only 10%?!
Nothing to distract me, I talk to you my audience. Because I see that the fire that I have is frankly complex but simple to douse. Because really I'm just lazy, with the invention of the internet and everything that comes with it. Experts all agrees there are ingredients for happiness, working out, socializing, achieving your goals, we all know it won't bake the cake but at least we have batter. Better than nothing, but alas, no one likes hard work. I would rather suffer doing nothing than suffer doing something. Hoping that it might distract me or maybe change me. And believe me, I trust experts and the histories of the past. That anyone can be great. But no it's better to be who I am right now, mysterious and quiet, that's what I would like people to think of me. It would work on the ladies too if I looked like Keanu Reeves. There's someone who they would definitely call mysterious and quiet. Cinematic even when he's brooding. No, rather I look like Steve Buscemi, creepy and perverted.
And there it goes, Wait, I'm lost, again, fuck, it's rising again, this monologue is not helping. And you the audience listening did your best. Why did I do it? Even though I knew it would trigger something again, I even felt it rushing towards the door pounding as if saying " Continue and know we will come". And come I did.
P.S. My shit was big.
