The Rockstar's Hold

Chapter 01

These last few weeks had been hell. After I had returned from New Orleans I used the remaining few day of my vacation wallowing in self pity and coming up with how I was going to tell my friends Martin and I were over. I think thats the worse part of a break up, where you have to continuously rehash the relationship end to those who care about you. I gained five pounds from my self induced imprisonment and ice cream binges. My acne had gotten out of control too with the huge increase of sugar I was consuming. The amount of makeup I had caked onto my face to try and hide the blemishes, puffy eyes and just all over haggard appearance was astounding. Even Courtney made a comment about laying off the Nicki Minaj look. Josh just took one look at me and went and bought me a chocolate bar from the vending machines. For a gay man he’s amazingly in tune to a girls needs.

The worst part of returning back to work the week after wasn’t the oncoming storm of questions on how my vacation was, or finding the will to get dressed. No, the worst part was waking up to no text from Martin. He would have been finished in New Orleans by then and a small part held out hope that after we had both cooled down he would try and reach out. He always reached out before. Granted I had never had him yell at me like that, and we were technically broken up. I had even rejected his last gifts like the tantrum throwing child I was.  

By the middle of the week with no word I broke down even further. I had fallen for that man and because of my own insecurities and doubts I ran him off. I had no problem telling him to back off but couldn’t open up my damn mouth to tell him when something was truly bothering me. And like life was having fun torturing me I was stuck with reminders of him all over my apartment. Sheet music scribbles stacked on my coffee table, his toiletries in my bathroom. Hell he had a pair of underwear shoved underneath my bed. I’m not even going to go into the small shopping list I had found of things he noticed I needed. That little find had me sobbing on my kitchen floor for a good hour. Why the hell does love have to hurt so much? Is this why people stay in unhappy relationships so that they don’t have to go through breakup agony? Because I can totally understand their position now.

The next two weeks following the week of despair as I’m now dubbing it were more of a muted affair. To be honest I just felt numb to everything. I’d go out with Courtney in her attempt to help me find a rebound. Even though I met some incredibly funny guys all of them paled when I compared them to Martin. Which I really need to stop doing, but its like every last thing about a man has me drawing comparisons. A guy would come up and introduce himself and the first thing I go to is ‘well there’s no instant physical assault of attraction there, next!’ It was becoming down right sad. And poor Courtney was getting so frustrated with my constant disregard for the men around me. And that was another insane occurrence, when I’m willingly single its like a god damn single mens drought. But when I’m in the midst of a horrible breakout, where the thought alone of moving on sends daggers through my heart, its practically raining men. Fuck you universe, fuck you very much.

I think I was doing better now though, it had been almost a month since Martin and mines parting. I was at least able to get through a car ride without sobbing when I hear a song of his come on the radio. The first time that happened I had to pull over to the side of the road for a good fifteen minutes. The poor cop who stopped to check to see if I needed anything seemed so uncomfortable when he encounter my grossly sobbing face. I’m not a cute cryer. I’m well aware of this fact, its one of the reasons I prefer not to do it in public. Oh the sight I made that day, all blotchy with puffy eyes and snot running from my nose as I sounded congested beyond belief. The poor guy did everything he could to make sure I wasn’t going to do something crazy, even offered to escort me home. Apparently heartbreak has me looking like I should be on suicide watch.