Like a Twat // Matty Healy

Chapter 1

I met my first real love three months ago. I was out with the guys and in a bar, she sat in the opposite corner with two other girls. They were laughing so loud that they caught my attention only short after arriving and when I saw Katherine, I could not manage to look away anymore. What struck me first were her stunning eyes as well as her beautiful lips which I cannot get out of my head since then. Kind of cliché, I guess.

After a while of staring at her, I observed her going outside for a cigarette and it took me only seconds to realise I should follow her. It was freezing and I was just wearing a jumper, but I could not care less, to be honest. She was leaning against a wall and due to a single streetlight, I could see her silhouette at least. I approached her kind of as in slow motion because I did not want to scare her in the darkness.

"Excuse me, may I use your lighter?" I asked her with my kindest voice, attempting to start a conversation with her, but sadly, she just remained silent. She passed me her lighter and gave me a smile so mind-blowing I could not add a word either.

And there we were, smoking outside that bar in London – not really talking to each other, yet the first time we have ever done something together. Later that night, I went to the counter to get drinks for the boys, and when I passed Katherine, I gave her a note that said "Matty" and my phone number. She acted like she had not even noticed, but fortunately, she did.

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Three months later, today, I am sitting on our couch in the tour bus imagining how my life would be if I could be around her for 24 hours a day. Not that we are not in a relationship anymore – we are. Since I had to leave London, we have been calling each other every single day, telling each other what is going on in our lives and having the most serious discussions about life and happiness. But due to me touring, we just cannot see each other at all. My home is where my tour bus is right now, and it is fucking me up completely.

Looking back at my life so far, I never wanted to be normal in any way. I always had the ambition to be different, may it be in terms of my style, my beliefs, my lifestyle or basically anything else. In school, I was worried I would never be happy with an ordinary job, and so I ended up being in a band. Especially in my youth, I was never satisfied by what I had and therefore started trying new things like drugs and partying. Also, I was never bothered of having a long-term relationship because most people were striving for it and it appeared boring to me. I was rather interested in the physicality of kissing and sex and how physical intimacy could make me happy for a moment, and so I never understood how people could sustain being in a room with the same person for 24 hours. And look at me now: I would give anything to have this. I guess I have changed since Katherine came into my life.

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The morning after our night out, I noticed my phone ringing, jumped out of bed and I was instantly nervous. It only took her the rest of the night to call me. I answered the phone.

"Hey Matty. I am the girl who gave you the lighter yesterday." she said with the softest voice I had ever heard. Surprisingly, her voice was striking me even harder than her eyes did last night although I could not imagine that this was possible at all. What a shame she did not speak to me yesterday because maybe, I would have had the courage to start a conversation again. And maybe it would have been easier, we would have just had sex last night. But now it was difficult and complicated. My first impression was that she might be shy but a bit cheeky at the same time which made me curious even more. I wondered what her name was.

"By the way, my name is Katherine." she said as if she could have heard my thoughts. "I was not quite sure if I should call you." she added.

"Katherine, I have to say I am glad you did." I regretted it already while I was expressing it. I was trying to be authentic, but obviously, I kind of failed, really.

"Well, and now I am not sure if I would still like to meet you. I cannot stand people being overly romantic on a first date." she was proving to me she is kind of cheeky. And I could not help but laugh about it.

"So, you consider this to be a first date right now?" I provoked her and sensed I liked talking to her a lot immediately after. It was funny to me because I hate being romantic at a first date as well, I just wanted to give her a good feeling and support her in her decision to call me. I could hear her laughing as well.

We were dating for the rest of the weekend. It was exciting as well as romantic, it was intense in most parts and so not normal at all. We camped in the woods outside London, we had pizza for breakfast, and we shared our first kiss while listening to my own music. It is weird, I am aware of that.

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Still thinking about how Katherine changed me in the past few months, I suddenly notice my phone ringing. "Matty!", Ross shouts. "Are you deaf?". I grab my phone which is lying on the cupboard and answer the phone.

"Hey babe." There it is again. This indescribable feeling her voice causes in me.

"Hey babe, are you alright?" I start the conversation.

"Yeah of course. Well, not really. I guess I kind of miss you?"

"Kind of? Like, what do you mean exactly?"

"You know what I mean Matty. I miss you." she answers with a smirk.

"Miss you, too. I wish we could kiss right now." I whisper. It is right, I have changed. I would have never said something like this before.

"Yeah. You got a minute?" she asks.

"I have." I give a quick sign to my band mates, step through the door of the tour bus and walk a few steps to the stairs of an uninhabited building where I sat down, put on my coat and light up a cigarette. I am freezing. I take a deep drag from the cig.

"What's up?" I am restarting the conversation again.

"Nothing really. I just wanted to tell you that my flatmate will be moving out soon."

"So, you will be living alone in your flat?", I conclude.

"Yeah. It would be perfect for... I mean..." she pauses. "I mean you could move in if you want."

"You mean you want me to sleep next to you? Every night? And eating pizza for breakfast again?". Maybe I am sounding a bit too excited.

"If you want?" she gives the question back to me again.

"I would not be reluctant in that case." I cannot stop smiling right now. Is she really asking me to move in with her?

"You're such a fool Matty, honestly." I can hear her laughing on the other side of the world.

"Kate? I would love to." It is taking her a few seconds to answer.

"Did you say you love me? Quite an improper moment for that, isn't it?"

"Nah, I said I would love to." Now I am the one pausing. "Do you know what? I do love you. I do not care if the moment is improper or something. For me, the moment could not be more perfect.". Wait – did I really say this? Like what the fuck? We dated for a weekend. Like three days. Except some video calls, we have not seen each other since then. And now I told her I love her, and I am going to move in with her? Quite romantic for Matty Healy. Or should I say ridiculous?

"I love you, too." She makes me smile.

"Babes, I'll call you later, okay? George is waving at me." Of course, he is not.

"Alright, I'll talk to you soon."

"Very soon, love you Kate."

Time is standing still right now. I cannot believe myself. I am so problematic, sometimes I do not think about what I am going to say only a second later. I hate myself for that. That is also a reason for me distancing myself from social media – I just always talk shit.

As I said before, love has never even been a thing for me. Neither do I know what love is nor have I ever properly loved someone in the common sense. Like, I had girlfriends. But it is highly questionable that I did love them. Most of the times, I was even relieved when they broke up with me. My relationships have never taken me further because at the best of times, I am lonely in my mind.

It is just different with Katherine. Three days, I am just saying. Insane. And somehow scary. 

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