Today I got up with the question if I would accept my future self's call..
Like.. if my future self would call me, ready to warn me about what lies ahead of me in the future.. would I accept the call, or would I reject the only opportunity to learn about myself.
My answer is.. I think I would accept the call, this.. actually has many reasons.
First, why would my future self even call me?
I mean.. would you just call someone for nothing, so.. there must be a deep reason lying within that action.
It's not like you are calling your future self, no.. you are getting called.
An other reason is, I wanna know if all this is just a waste of time..
Al this working, all this hoping.. is it for nothing?
Will we get better in the Covid case?
How much time would pass until we get there?
Also, I wanna know if I'm doing the right thing.
Would my future self be mad at me, mad at himself?
What are my efforts for anyways.
Sometimes I really am hopeless..
Actually, what comes in the following paragraph, is something I wanted to put in a new script, but.. since I'm writing this one right now, I will include it right here.
So.. you remember that Girl, I saved her, and she hurt me..
She played a game with me.. and acted like there was love, that apparently never had been existing.
I mean.. this is not to grieve for her passing away, this is to tell the story, and even extend it a bit.
So.. well.. after we split up we had a long period we didn't have contact.
I was minding my own business, she was minding hers.
But.. then she texted me back, telling me that she misses me.
That she wanted me to come back.
Though, I said no, I didn't want that, I was still hurt.. and everything was so fresh.. I felt used, because I was the only one in her life treating her well, noticing her worth.
For others, she just seems to be an object of lust or a figure of beauty, not for me though, for me.. she is a miracle.
Anyways, I said no..
But then, after an other week of no talking, she again, texted me..
Now, she sounded serious, as if she would really need me, so.. I gave her a chance.
Because what I didn't tell her, was that I've been missing her the entire time, I was thinking about her everyday.. wondering how she's doing..
So.. I came back, let her come back.
Then, there first was a time lying ahead, where she was extremely toxic, she didn't treat me well.. or, let's say, for me it sounded like she needed someone to let out her anger she had with herself and the others in her environment.
But.. even that time got better..
In the meantime, we began to talk, to call, even doing Videocalls..
She is so beautiful, I think that everytime I see her.
I also love the way she acts, damn, she is such a dreamgirl.
But, why though?
Why is she so important to me?
Because I don't know.. I have no clue
or well, eventually, I don't accept the answer.
I'm not sure
I just know that I feel emotionally connected to her.
It's because I saved her life.
I can't accept the thought that a rescue would end in a breakup
For me, a rescue is an evidence of deep love, that I appreciate the person as a whole.
That's why I sort of promised myself to always hang on to this girl.
Because I was there once, so I cannot be missing afterwards.
I want this girl, want her to be mine.
I really love her.
No matter what these feelings may have induced.
But.. everytime she appears on my phone, either her name or her face, and her voice enters my ears, I automatically feel happy, and I forget everything I felt down for.
So.. to see her not being mine makes me sad..
She also very confuses me.. I don't know where I am.. sometimes I seem not to be enough, other times though, she appreciates me..
Is she just playing with me?
Does she desire me?
As a good friend only, or does she love me?
She seems to treat me different though, different from the other boys.
I'm not sure.. I shouldn't hope that much..
I'm just really happy that she is there, at my side again.
You know.. for me it's some kind of destiny..
Let's take a look at the past.
I've no idea where I know this girl from, I just know that she appeared in my contacts for some reason.
Then we weren't texting much at all, until she began to notice my dilligence when it comes to schoolwork, yer still.. we didn't have much more contact.
But then, when it happened.. I was the only one who cared that day...
So.. eventually it was meant for me to save her..
Still, usually, most couples split up, and that's it.. no contact, nothing.. maybe even a block depending on the cause of the breakup.
But this girl and I, we are different..
I don't know what my motives where, probably I was afraid to lose her forever, but.. even though I blocked her on Snap, I left my WhatsApp free, for her to text me again once the circumstances get rough.
Eventually, I didn't want her to pass away, to hurt herself again.. not because of me who saved her.
That was the only door available for her to step into my life again..
And now we get along even better as we did before..
For me, that clearly is a prove for destiny..
So.. now tell me, would I really accept my future self's call, reconsidering all these aspect I noted down?
I'm still for yes, but with huge doubts..
Because.. I can't lose her, that would literally break me..
And, it my future self would tell me, I should forget her, because I would lose contact with her.. I don't know if I would even start to distance myself from her today, even though there may be important memories to share until we might lose contact.
I would throw away time and would make used memories become unused.. fallen to ashe into oblivion..
That's what I'm afraid of.. wasting my time with what is most essential in my poor life right now... this girl..
This is why I'm writing this, this one's for you, I never, ever want to lose you again.
~L
