This Love Was Out of Control - (v.f.)

XII.

True to her word, Danielle rises early the next morning. She throws on a hoodie and leggings, slipping a beanie over her hair, not bothering to fix her bedhead. Once she does her minimal makeup and eats breakfast, she drives to the California State Prison.
 
Once she's filled out all of the forms, she must wait a few minutes while they bring her brother out.
 
"Visitor for Garrett Holloway?" Danielle stands up, smiling slightly as she passes the intimidating man standing guard. She sits in front of the glass, picking up the phone. Her brother is on the other side, a smile stretched across his face.
 
"Hey Dani," he says softly, and she smiles a genuine smile. He's the only one who has ever called her that.
 
"Hey Garrett. How are you?" He laughs bitterly.
 
"Well considering I'm in prison..." She sighs.
 
"You know what I mean," she says softly. He chuckles slightly, dropping the bitter tone of voice he had adopted earlier.
 
"I'm surviving, you know? I miss you Dani." She blinks back tears, and he just looks at her with the same loving look he always bestows upon her. They are still close, no matter where Garrett happens to end up.
 
"I miss you too Garrett."
 
"You know I wouldn't be here if that old fucker hadn't—"
 
"Don't." Danielle cuts him off sharply. "Don't talk about Dad like that, he did what he thought was right."
 
"Oh, so turning your own son in is right? Alright Dani." She sighs in frustration, meeting his angry gaze with a steely one of her own.
 
"Garrett you would've ended up here eventually anyway. And you can't say dealing crystal meth is exactly right either."
 
"Whatever Dani, why don't you just run back to Daddy and kiss his ass some more? You know he's trying to keep you from growing up and seeing the big, bad, scary world, right? As long as you're the golden child he doesn't have to feel so ashamed of his failure of a son." Danielle's eyes fill with tears at her brother's mocking tone of voice. She knows deep down that he doesn't mean a word of what he's saying, but it hurts nonetheless.
 
"Garrett stop," she says quietly, blinking rapidly to keep the tears in her eyes from falling.
 
"I'll bet you still haven't snuck out, have you? You still haven't drank, have you? You haven't done one daring thing in your life, and it's all because of him." Garrett is smirking, oblivious to the pain he is inflicting on his sister. He's so wrapped up in his own bitterness that he doesn't realize the toll his harsh words are taking on Danielle.
 
Danielle's mind flickers back to the night she remembers with such regret and hurt; back to the night with Vic, when she was willing to risk everything for him. She is unable to catch a single tear as it rolls down her cheek.
 
"Garrett, just stop," she whispers, and only then does he notice the hurt etched into her face.
 
"Oh god Dani, I'm so sorry—"
 
"Save your breath. I am so sick of you hurting me and everyone in our family without thinking about the consequences. What happened to the brother that used to play dress-up with me when we were little? What happened to the brother that used to be my best friend? I miss you Garrett, the old you. Not the person you are now." Danielle places the phone back in the holder, holding back a flood of tears. She nods at the guard, who gives her a sympathetic look.
 
As she walks out of the prison, she starts walking faster and faster until she's practically sprinting to her car. When she gets to the Impala, she unlocks it and collapses into the driver's seat. Only then does she let her calm façade crumble. Sobs tear their way up her throat, and she slumps forward, her shoulders shaking. She braces her arms on the steering wheel, resting her head on them and letting the sobs take over her body.
 
This always happens. I'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces and get closer to Garrett, why does he keep pushing me away? I just want my big brother back. I don't even know why I try anymore. 
 
 Time escapes her as she lets out her pain and emotion, and she cries until she physically can't. Her breaths come in short gasps, and she struggles to catch her breath before starting the car.
 
As she drives home, she turns off her brain, focusing on the road and only the road. She forces all thoughts of Garrett and Vic and her father out of her head. She is so focused that she doesn't notice when a familiar white sedan pulls up next to her at a stoplight.
 
Vic glances out of his window, catching a glance of Danielle in the car next to him. His eyes flicker back to the road, paranoid that she'll see him. He can't resist taking another, longer, look at the beautiful girl he abandoned two nights ago. When he looks back over, he sees her reach up and brush the underside of her eyes quickly and angrily, as if trying to rid herself of something. She squares her shoulders, determined.
 
His throat constricts as he realizes she is brushing tears away, but he doesn't know why. Surely it's not because of him, or at least he hopes not. He is jolted out of his thoughts as a car horn blasts behind him. He starts and swears as he realizes the light has turned green. The image of Danielle drying her eyes is burned into his brain, and he is irritated with himself. Why is he so stuck on this girl?
 
Maybe it's because of the sweet innocence she possesses, reminiscent of a time before teenager and young adulthood. Maybe it's the remarkable tolerance she has for the world, something rare to find. Maybe it's simply the way her eyes sparkle in the sunlight, or the softness of her dirty blonde hair. Maybe it's simply the way she looks at him, with her sparkling blue eyes and look of pure happiness.
 
Vic shakes his head, trying to clear his head of those thoughts. She was nothing more than a prize he had already won. Right? His mind reflects back on what he considers one of the best nights of his life. Maybe she has become something more. Danielle occupies his thoughts all the way home.
 
He collapses on his bed, rubbing his face with his hands tiredly. Thoughts of this girl have been keeping him up night upon night, and he hasn't slept regularly in two days.
 
"Hey Vic." Mike sits on the bed beside Vic, gently nudging him with his elbow. The older brother sits up slowly, offering a small smile to Mike. The two have always been close, no matter what, and Mike can tell that something is bothering Vic.
 
"What's up with you?" he asks, and Vic turns to the younger sibling.
 
"You know Danielle?"
 
"Yeah, she's your girl now, right? I've seen you two around school," says Mike, raising his eyebrows suggestively. His playful demeanor fades as he sees Vic glare down at his lap, playing with his fingers. "Vic..."
 
"I fucked up Mikey." Vic's voice comes out louder than he intended it to, and he blurts the words he has been holding in for two days. He brings his voice down and continues to talk, still not meeting his brother's eyes. He finds it easier to talk to his fingers than to look directly at Mike.
 
"I fucked up. I went over to her house, and we did... we had sex. But this was different Mike; this was so different from anything or anyone I've ever had. She was so scared and I wanted her to feel safe and happy, and she made me feel like I actually meant something. She made me feel like I wasn't just some hot guy at school or some singer in a shitty rock band. And I wanted to make her feel special too, and she is so perfect, and I wanted to make sure her first time was something she'd never forget. But when she fell asleep and I had my arms around her, I got scared. I got scared that she'd just throw me away like all those other girls did... and I left."
 
Vic's hands clench into fists at his anger towards himself.
 
"I fucking left her, and I didn't try to contact her and she probably hates me now. But I was so scared, I'm still scared Mike. I've never felt this way about anybody before, and I don't know what to do. Do you know what it feels like? Do you know what it feels like to look at someone and to have your head go all funny and all you can think about is how perfect they are? Do you know what it feels like to be with someone who could probably make even hell itself feel like home?"
 
Mike is silent during his brother's confession, not daring to utter a word. When Vic finishes speaking, he angrily swipes at his face, ridding his cheeks of the hot tears he spilled.
 
"Vic... you love her, don't you?" Mike asks quietly. Vic's head shoots up to look up at his brother, a look of terror on his face.
 
"I don't want to love her, Mike," he says, almost whimpering.
 
"Why?"
 
"I'm just an average boy Mike, I probably can't even complicate her breathing like she complicates mine. That's why I'm scared... I feel all of these things about her and I don't know if she even likes me as a friend anymore because of what I did."
 
Vic is close to hysterics, burying his head in his shaking hands. Mike pulls his brother into his embrace, just hugging him tightly. This is one of the times where their roles seem to switch; Mike takes on the role of the protective older brother and Vic becomes the timid younger brother.
 
"Vic, just tell her what you told me. I wouldn't doubt that she feels the same way about you, have you seen the way she looks at you? When you two are walking together at school, she looks at you in this way that I can't even try to describe. She always has this goofy smile when you two are together, and she laughs at everything you say, even if it's not that funny."
 
Vic looks up at his brother hopefully, his eyes bloodshot from crying.
 
"Really?" Mike nods, smiling slightly.
 
"Really."
 
Vic smiles gratefully at his brother; and Mike smiles back. An unspoken communication passes between them, and they know that no matter what, they have each other's backs. Mike gets up and leaves the room, leaving Vic alone with his thoughts.
 
Vic's mind flashes back to that Friday night; back to the night that changed everything. He smiles, recalling the feel of her skin against his, the electricity he felt when their lips touched, and the soft whisper of her breath across his skin. He can only hope that Danielle will forgive him for leaving her.
 
With those lingering thoughts, Vic slips into a restless sleep. His dreams are filled with her, and her alone. And he sleeps with a smile on his lips.