sabastian x ciel

memories

( im not tired so i can write some more and my mind keeps getting ideas. and i lisen to music and does these to set the mood and get the emotions in this.)

ciels pov:  

i start to have a dream about madam red and what happened. that day when grell sutcliff killed her. it kept racing through my mind of how she told me i should have never been born. maybe she was right. maybe i shouldn't have been born. then my life wouldn't have been sucky on how it is now.  i didn't think about what happened just now with sabastian and me because i was sad and sulking in my own despair. i wanted to be with madam red once again, play chess with her again and hear her voice. i woke up and i was holding back my tears i hugged myself and i started to think more into it. i started to think that maybe when i die i can see her again. ask her why she couldn't kill me ask her why she didn't do it. then i would have been peaceful and not be here. i would be better off dead than alive. i start to tear up and i slowly get off the bed not waking up sabastian and i go to  the bathroom and i stand in the corner and look up at the ceiling.  " why....why couldn't you have killed me....why"  i said quietly as a tear falls from my eye. 

sabstians pov:  i wake up because i didn't sense my bocchan near. then i heard sniffling in the bathroom and i sit up. my lord is crying. but why. did i do something wrong. is he okay. 

ciels pov:   i start to feel empty inside and i start crying softly and i slowly sit on the ground and curl up in a ball hugging my knees to my chest.  " she should have killed me....she should have *hic* done it..."  i dont know why i did it but i did. i got up and i rummaged through the cabinets and i find a razor and i break of one of the razors and i hold it in my hand and i look at my wrist.  i sniffle and i press the razor on my skin and i start to bleed. it hurt. but it felt right and wrong at the same time and i do another one and another. there was 5 on my wrist and i put the razor back. then i wash off my wrist rinsing down the blood down the drain and i sniffle again.

sabstians pov:  i smelled blood so i knocked on the door to the bathroom. "my lord i smell blood. are you alright in there?" i said outside the door.

ciels pov:   i jumped a bit when i heard sabastians voice and that he smelled blood. "yes im fine sabastian" i said as i looked in the mirror. shit i wasn't wearing any clothes i couldn't hide the cuts. why am i so stupid. i see my robe and i put it on. oh god. oh god. oh. god. oh god. i thought to myself. what if sabastian finds out. what if he leaves me and doesn't love me anymore. 

sabastians pov:  it was taking a long time for my bocchan to come out of the bathroom and i open the door slowly. " pardon me my lord. but is everything all right"  i open the door all the way and see my bocchan with puffy eyes and a stuffy nose and him in his robe. i can tell he was crying because his cheeks were red and covered in the wetness of his tears and frown a bit and go to him. but he scoots away. "my lord"

ciels pov:  im gonna get caught. he wont love me anymore. i look at sabastian about to cry again. weak. stupid. not anything my brain repeated. i took off my eye patch and it was wet and i set it on the counter of the bathroom sink and i stand up and i look at sabastian. he looks at me concerned and i can hear the voices in my head telling me im worthless and nothing and sabastian would be better off without me. i started to cry and sabastian hugged me in his loving arms but i pushed away.

sabastians pov:  my lord was so upset. i dont know why though. i kept thinking i did something wrong. but when i hugged him and he pushed me away i didn't leave the room. i was concerened and wanted to help make him feel better. " bocchan"

ciels pov: i heard the demon call my name and i look away from him and calm myself down and i start to wipe my tears away and the voices in my head say hes going to get rid of you. hes going to tell you your better off alone. i held in my tears and i look at sabastian. " what sabastian"  i sniffle.

sabastians pov:   i wasn't mad at my bocchan. he was mine. i cared for him and love him.  "bocchan, there is no need to push me away. i love you with all of my heart and i will always be here for you. the voices in your head are all lies. i love you, i will never leave you and i will always be there for you until the end. i want to be there everyday to see you and see you smile and one day hear you laugh. i want to be there with you. i love you my lord"  i look at the sad boy. but he looks up at me.

ciels pov:  i heard what sabastian said. and its true but the voices kept trying to change what i thought and i started to say to myself in my head that sabastian loves me. but it kept leaving my head because of all of the voices.the voices told me the same things over and over again. that i was nothing and all of that. i looked at sabastian and i ran to him and hugged him and started to cry.  " im weak. i dont deserve you. you will be better off without me. you would be happier with me dead" i said while crying.

sabastians pov:    "my lord"  i started to tear up and even though i never cry i cried because i cared for my bocchan. i loved this boy.  i start to let my tears fall and i hug the boy. "i love you my lord. i want to be with you. i want you to be here. if you weren't here then i would be a broken demon. i wouldn't be happy."  i felt him squeeze me tighter and i smile and i start to calm down. i rub his back and he starts to calm down as well.

ciels pov:   i started to calm down and i didn't hear the voices i open my eyes and i sniffle. "sabstian. im sorry. im so sorry. i didn't mean what i said i was just sad." i hugged the demon tighter. i wish i didn't cut myself but i should tell him so he can keep me safe from harming myself when im upset.  "sabastian"

sabastians pov:  i looked down at the little boy and smiled " yes bocchan"  i said while wiping his face off with my handkerchief. 

ciels pov:  i shook and was scared of what he would do. but it was the right thing to do. i lift up the sleeve and show him the cuts and he looks at me dissapointed. " i-im sorry"  i say with a sad look to him to show him that im really sorry.

sabstians pov:  i was dissapointed him my young lord for sure but i loved him and i started to clean the cuts. " my lord from now on when your upset i want to be there to help you. i dont want you to be alone so you can harm yourself when your upset. i forgive you yes. but dont ever do this again. do you understand bocchan"  i say after i kiss his wrist. 

ciels pov:  "yes sabastian" 

sabastians pov:  i wonder why he cut himself and was crying so i asked him. " my lord. not to be nosy or anything. but why on earth were you so upset to were you cut yourself".

ciels pov:  oh god here it comes my guilt is going right down into my stomach and i sigh. " sabastian. i had a dream about madam red. and what she said that i shouldn't have been born. i was over thinking it and was wanting to die. i wanted to be with her and ask her why she didn't kill me and all of that. im sorry" i rub my eye with the contract and let out a little yawn

sabstians pov:  " thank you for telling me my lord. but lets get you back into bed. its only 12:00 am."  i help him to bed and he doesn't let go of me and i smile and lay down with him in my arms and he falls asleep then after a while i fall asleep as well. 

(hey hoped you liked it. i love this and hope you all do.  i want to do another part were ciel goes neko or he calls sabastian daddy. let me know in the comments and ill write it. thank you have a good day. )