The Tales Found In His Diary

Dear Diary...

Hey, this is a story about my life. Hold tight and find out about my transitions.

                 ' WE ARE BROKEN'

Unlike most families, my family was special. Hold on not that kind of special but the opposite of love, care, joy and happiness. The relationship inside the house is as of a couple of strangers brought together inside a household to pretend as if they had something in common. Laughter in this house is a scarce commodity, happiness deserted us and anger, hate, sadness and rage tightly embraced our pathetic little souls. There is no reason to rejoice nor to celebrate, the smiles on our faces are just fake as they are easily wiped away. Outside this walls I become different it is as if I live a double life because immediately as I enter into this house pain and anger become my closest friends. Is it because we're poor? Is it because we're not God's favorite ? Sweet Lord, have you turned your back on us?

Communication only comes when it is debating time - we argue and fight over everything. Nothing a person does in this house that is positive is cherished but instead negatively overshadows the good things I do, are we cursed? you'd barely find our eyes dry as they are always running a stream. Is this the life that I'm destined for? I thirst for happiness even a glimpse of joy would certainly do.

          'NO LOVE, NO HAPPINESS'

Well the honest truth is until this very same day I have never heard my father congratulate or applaud any of my achievements, even a simple 'Well done' instead his mouth tosses toxic words as if he is a venomous snake that it's words come directly from it's thin serpentine tongue, his words can never build a person but they instead peirce the heart. Nothing that I did or do pleases him, no smile on his face as he always looked at me honestly I mean in front of his eyes; literally I'm seen as a junkie, a prisoner or a failure actually yes he sees me as a failure. Care and love in this house are forbidden we don't share warm words that infect the feeling with joy but we share cold icy acidic words that tear us apart instead of us being a unit, the decisions and mistakes made by my parents are as if they were made by me, my soul and heart are soo heavy, heavy because they are caring the burdens of this miserable home, well after all we do not choose our lives nor families, but oh Son of Mary  this task you have assigned me to is too difficult for my poor restless soul.

          'THE BOND WITH THE                       OUTER  WORLD '

We are all scared of this man me call father, it's like he is a colonist and we're the oppressed, actually to think of it he is an oppressor as he emotionally abused us. Every decision, movement and actions that we do we always have to reprimand our thoughts of he's ugly painful words and abuse. Let me tell you, abuse isn't only done physically but it is also performed psychology and emotionally as he brainwashed my mother, she had no friends, she didn't go out and she never had a good and strong relationship with her mother because of this man she claims to love because she wants to play the role of the perfect wife. We keep our relationship with others at a minimum knowing that he is always watching like an owl, he closely watches every detail of our movements I mean even the smallest of them like going to the shop. He has issues with his side of the family and wants my mother to have the same relationship as he's with her family. We can't even get help from the family relatives as my mother continously defends if as he successfully manipulated her innocent mind a long time ago. We are trapped, trapped in this misery.

             'WE ARE GROWING'

As we grow, we're able to see the unhealthy life we live, and still my mother defends him because of this love that we don't see. I don't know who to be angry at her or him. This house feels like an I'm wearing an oversized jacket that is made of leather on a hot summer's day, the intense heat keeps weakening my body, I try to take it off but I cannot, I cannot because this oversized jacket is my home, I can't go anywhere else. I'm stack!

           'I'M SICK OF PRETENSE'

Deep down inside of me my soul screams for help, pretending has become our masterclass talent as we always hide the bitter emotions we receive from this house. Well I'm tired, I'm tired of lying to myself saying better days will come, I'm tired of always showing the world my smiley face while I'm in deep pains. I'm fed up of always telling people I'm fine when I'm actually down. So this is me, staring at the man in the mirror telling him that it's enough of the lies, the acts and the pretenses. I am not okay as the world sees me, I have bitter toxic skeletons in my cabarets that always torment my spirit, they inflict nothing but painful scars on my soul. You know emotional scars hurt a lot that physical scars as they keep on playing in my mind like a broken record , as the thoughts enslave my mind and sleepless nights I always have. Going to bed feels like being sent to imprisonment because I know the monster thoughts are waiting to give me a hard time serving my time,it's unhealthy I know but I'm just a teenage boy still searching for my place in this universe... Well I'm losing hope as pretending has overshadowed my real potential, what's the next step?

    '  THE DOUBLE LIFE HE LIVES'

To me it was really humorous how people knew him as compared to how we know him, you'd swear if we told anyone from outside this walls about how he treats us they would never ever believe us. Well he fools everyone of us from the way he dresses, walks, talks and spends money when he chills with his friends... Knowing exactly well that he is hiding his inner real demon that he only releases on us, he is a coward I know but that's how abusers generally work. He smiles so much and communicates with the finest woolley warm wards that comfort the emotions to strangers. Wow! As I looked at him the family panic. And funny enough he wasn't the only one living a double life, it was all of us as we laughed our lungs out and acted as if we live in sweet peace harmony.

           'SHE CAN'T LEAVE HIM'

It's really sad how love makes you to not be able to stand firm and fight for what's right as my mother couldn't leave him, is it love? Then love is cruel as it is able to blindside and persuade a person to not be able to clearly see or notice the harsh conditions their living under. She did leave, she suffered, we suffered!

              'THE OUT BREAK '

I am tired of this misery! I have cried to the point were my eyes cannot produce tears, my heart full of negativity. I'm turning into a monster, oh no! I can't be turning into him. I have had enough - I can not turn into his creation I need help yes I'm in need of help.