ice cold blood

kissing you good bye

it was a dull monday morning in london, i'm kristen gray, me and my dad were packing my belongings to put in the giant truck we'd be taking to carry our stuff to our new house in santa monica . i've never moved before, i had no idea what to expect, especially moving to somewhere so far away from home. every time i imagined moving to california i thought of palm trees, sandy beaches, turquoise oceans, salted water and all that "vacation material" stuff.

it was now 7:00pm and my dad was calling me out for dinner, he said we'd be eating out, somewhere special, since it was our last day in london, he thought it'd be memorable to go out to eat something expensive. instead of the pizza that's been sitting in our fridge since last friday.

"kristen i'll be waiting in the car!"

"okay dad! coming, just give me a minute, i need to fix something first".

"okay sweetie, hurry, we haven't completely finished packing! we haven't packed your mother's belongings yet".

"sure dad"

i needed to be sure of something before i left for dinner, i needed to make sure that my mother's vintage dresses remained untouched while i was gone throughout the day. those two long gowns were my last reminders of her.

my mom, her name was lauren, she was exotically beautiful, some people say i look a lot like her but personally
i never thought of myself as beautiful. i always thought of myself as plain and simple, my eyes are a bad mix of green and brown and my hair is auburn. i have a small frame and my eyes look huge in my face. my mom on the other hand, had stunning green eyes that stole all the men's attention, her lips were always colored a shade of cherry red, her hair was a beautiful brown, almost black. she was what i would call model material.

one day, while i was at school, my parents came to pick me up, they told me that we were going somewhere special. they said it was a surprise, a magical one. that afternoon when we got home, my mother told me to get into my vintage dress. i remember asking her why, she said that she wanted it to be a memory of us, both of us in our beautiful gowns. of course at the age of six, i couldn't agree more. she put my hair into a classy top not, and curled the remaining strands that fell out from the sides, after that, she topped it all of with a pastel pink flower crown.
when we arrived at the "magical surprise" i realized it was a restaurant, i asked my mom what it was called, she answered telling me that it's named "classic", she also added that it was very expensive and we would only be able to come here once every few years. but she made a promise to me that we'd all be here again.

since i lost her to cancer when i was thirteen it still hurt. it had only been two years ago. when she was diagnosed with this deadly disease, it felt like someone had ripped a part of my heart out. it hurt even more when they told me that she'd only have a few months left to live. she fought so hard, she tried so hard to hold on to her life, to raise us, to love us. it was the hardest thing in the world watching her die little by little every single day. but in the end, the minute she died, it felt like it all ended for me. but it was even worst for my dad, he had to endure, to take care of me, to not let myself destroy myself. i love him for that, that he had to keep everything to himself, so that i would be okay. a few minutes before she breathed her last breath, i asked her "will you be able to keep your promise?"
and she didn't answer, until she finally spoke her final words
"i'm sorry honey, that i couldn't keep my promise"
"i told her that it's okay, that we'll be there again in another life, a better one."
and she said "well that's a relief, now i can rest in peace, my sweet daughter, i love you."
those were her final words her last breath, her last minutes on earth. sometimes i wonder where she is now, should i believe what most people believe? that she's now just a rotting corpse buried underground? or should i believe that she is an angel in heaven looking over me, i didn't have an answer to that.

"hurry sweetie, it's getting late." my dad said as he walked into my mother's room, where i lay on my knees clutching the two dresses in my hands.
"okay dad, let's go eat dinner" i replied with a small smile. i wanted tonight to be perfect, it was the last day where my past lies. where my mother died, where i grew up, where all my memories were made. i would miss it dearly, day and night. but i knew that one day, i would come back to visit. when i was all healed from the pain.

when we arrived at "classic" it felt like i was punched in the stomach with a giant sledge hammer. all the memories from that night came rushing back into my mind. making the whole in my chest bigger and bigger. i started crying, my dad quickly came by my side and told me that if this was too hard, we could eat dinner somewhere else. i wasn't sure what i wanted to do, if i wanted the memories to come back, or if i didn't. after a while of thinking this through, i decided that i would stay, because if i didn't i knew that for the rest of my life i would regret it. as we ventured deeper into the heart of the restaurant, there was a grand dance floor, but not the light up kind, this was historian, old, but beautiful. there were small rectangular tiles that when put all together created a work of art. there were angels and people dancing, smiles all plastered on their faces. looking at this i wondered if this is where my mom was, with the angels up in heaven. above the breath taking dance floor was an exquisite chandelier that hung over the crowd of people.

"wow.." i said in a whisper
"i know, i forgot how beautiful this place was " my dad said certainly astonished but the beauty of this restaurant.

it really looked like a castle, it was so gorgeous, full of royalty. even the chairs and the tables were carved to perfection. all of it really blew me away. we sat down in our seats of velvet and ordered our meals, listening to the majestic sound of the harp as we ate. as i was finishing my desert my dad asked if i wanted to dance, so we got on to the dance floor with about forty other people, we danced to historical music, old dance music. it was very calming and cheerful, i had a great night.

"thanks dad"
"for what?"
"for tonight, and for everything with mom"
"oh honey, it's my job as your dad to make sure you stay okay and happy"
"but i know that it hurt you too, but you didn't want to talk about it to anyone, and i want you to know that if you still want to talk about it, i'll be here for you"
"okay darling, i'll keep that in mind"
"i love you dad"
"i love you too kristen"

i knew that tonight would be a night with a thousand dreams, dreams of my friends, family that i'd have to put into my past. a new future is in the horizon, i was excited and very worried at the same time. guess we'd just have to wait and see where my new life gets me.