The Ice Palace

Ch. 2 - Soliloquies and saves

Note to self: if you ever need to pitch to artsy people, don't do it by bursting into performance mode when they haven't asked for it.

In my defense, I've talked about forming an amateur adult troupe for years, ever since I started working part-time at the Shakespeare Theatre Company. It wasn't a secret; everyone knew I had a hidden agenda.

Though at this point it wasn't so much hidden as it was displayed front and center like my own personalized lobbying firm. Except I wasn't getting a Christmas bonus for my overtime, and I didn't have any business cards.

I did think about getting some but I decided on custom shirts instead, which I printed preemptively two summers ago to get some excitement going. I didn't take into account the fact that most normal people take vacation in the summer and I would be alone until everyone came back two weeks later, at which point I had overthought the whole thing so much I just kept the box at my house.

They were never to see the light of day except as my pajamas.

But anyways, fast forwarding back to present time: Friday, December 3, 2021. About 11:00pm.

We were inching closer to curtain call time for our holiday production of As You Like It. I was keeping to myself, organizing coats and flyers and sweeping, when I suddenly saw the theater's lead Artistic Director walking around and looking very much non-busy and cheerful. This combination was a rare sight to behold, and I knew I had to pounce on it.

My golden goose opportunity was here. I immediately ran up to him with my little broom in hand and pitched my idea to him for what felt like the hundredth time, but this time was different.

I came prepared with exactly what (I thought) he wanted: an audition.

"Greg! Great my man! Listen, I've been thinking about our chat from last time and I feel like I just need to pick your brain," I said in a rushed huff as I followed him down the halls. "I know I'm a broken record at this point, but last time you said you were worried the troupe wouldn't have the experience you need. Here's the thing though what we would have is the brains and the memory and dedication! The raw passion you're looking for. These are the people that would really go all out to make something amazing, and it wouldn't cost a dime! We just need your time."

I perked up. "Oh hey that even rhymed."

"Time is in very short supply," he said distractedly looking through some news items on the bulletin. "My time especially. We have to dedicate ourselves to what we know is safe revenue, to at least try and make up for last year's mess."

"Right right, and I get that, but just picture this - a one-week performance of an audience favorite, only volunteer actors, lots of drive and drama for no moolah."

I did my gun fingers at him but he didn't even look my way. This is when I took matters to the next level.

I set my broom down beside him and took a few steps back before getting into character. I untied and fluffed my hair, then fell to the ground dramatically.

"To be, or not to be, that is the question"

Gregory turned his face around very, very slowly, without moving his torso or any other part of his body.

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them."

I lunged myself forward and onto my knees, embodying a level of desperation similar to that of a child forced to eat broccoli.