Love or lust? (Short stories)

To say "I love you"

      Just the two of us. Why do I feel so insecure? Her beautiful being underneath the deep moonlight....I wish we could stay like this forever.

   In my 18 years of life I've never imagined I'd feel so safe with someone. Someone who never judged me for my very obvious flaws. Who accepted me with all my insecurities. I love her. Why can't I say it back? Why am I so scared that when I say those 3 words she'll suddenly disappear?

"You're thinking Mad hard."
Jas says looking up at me from my lap her deep skin Illuminated from the night sky. The moon giving her a beautiful glow. Her soft curls pull into a low ponytail. My hand playing with it so freely.

I love her so much, but I just don't feel like I'm enough. Like I do enough.

"Why do you love me?"

"What do you mean dude.."

"Don't call me dude." I straight face her.

" I mean loving you isn't really hard."

"I'm not talented, not good at school, and I'm very unpredictable." Sadness overwhelmed me, like when your Amazon order doesn't arrive when it says it will? It's tough.

"Well life is unpredictable. And just because your not book smart doesn't mean your not smart. Cooking is a talent and your really good at that. I love you because when I'm with you I know you appreciate me for me, that we can do corny shit like this and have the best time. I love you because even without you saying it to me your actions show me Nia."

I've never really been fond of myself. Maybe it's because I was conditioned to not have any self worth. My brown skin and my long thick hair, my medium build. The large clothes I wear as a shield, instead of a badge of honor. She says she loves me, even with the baggage that I have. When I know she been through worse. Somehow she is always ready to listen. We've been together for 2 years and I'm all she has now. My love is what she needs to hear, even if she says she doesn't. I want to tell her. I need her to know it's genuine. We talk so much, about so much. When I go to therapy and break down to my therapist about my very trivial insecurities. She tells me the best way I can love her. Is by starting to at least like myself. Myself loathing is internalized. It's not something I actually verbalize outside that office and my journal. Jas knows me. It's like she has a 6th sense that specializes in my internal dialogue. Easily distracting me from my unfortunate mind.

"Babe let's order pizza to the apartment and call it a night." She suggests, I nod at her getting up, pulling me up when she's leveled.

We are the same height.

She has the illusion she's taller because of her athletic build. Like we're 5'7. She always says she's 5'9...

I wrap my arms around her neck, she pulls me in by the waist.
"I do care about you the most." I say in a whisper, she stares at me for a second.
"I know baby."
she tilts her head to kiss me softly. Pushing me back so we can leave the park. Good thing our apartment is right around the corner. I walk with my head between her shoulder blades so I can have some balance while ordering our pizza online.

Not being home long there was a knock. Can't be anyone other than the delivery. Jas goes to get it and takes the responsibility of tipping, since I paid for the pizza while ordering it. I was so close to saying "I love you" the first time she said it to me. It's not like she says it a lot. It's at random moments really. When she first said it I wanted to say it back, but I was too scared to say it. I thought I was gonna be sent away. I didn't want to speak those words then be torn apart. Long distance relationships aren't ideal you know.

She comes back so we can finish watching this episode of law & order svu while we eat. Getting up to get us some water bottles. I caught a glimpse at my phone screen and it was 10pm ish I have to work at 12pm, Jas has class at 1pm and then she goes to work after. So I start to clean up and get ready for bed.