home coming

Part 1

"Get up Alex, we're here." my mom said with a low voice.

I kept my eyes closed, trying to hold on to sleep. Not wanting the dull darkness to end. I didn't want to wake up to face my new reality. Why couldn't I just stay asleep, sink in to myself, forget about everything that binds me to this life. Disappear. Do nothing. Be nothing. It was useless to wish for such things. I knew I wouldn't just slip away. No one leaves this world without notice. Rather it be one, or millions of people, grief, and heartbreak will follow. When I kept my eyes shut like this, while consious, was always a bad idea. The memories would flood in, the images would flash. Nothing would ever let me forget about that. Not even sleep. My eyes flinched tighter then opened to my mother looking at me with a cautious look on her face. She must have seen my expression. She was giving up on me too. I would no longer be her burden to deal with. To drag around with her, to watch every second of every day. She would pass me to the one relative who knows loss in the same magnitude. My grandma; they both think this is the best option at this point. The medication was the first option. When they stopped being enough to get me out of bed, is when my grandma offered to let me stay. I know I'm a burden no matter where i am, or who i am with. I also know coming here is supposed to make me feel better, and start over. I am not sure if i want to get better, let alone start over. I was getting comfortably numb in my daily routine back home. This move might even just make things worse, if that's even possible at this point.

"Well cmon, lets get your bags" my mom said as she got out of the car. I unbuckled sluggishly to follow her to the trunk.

We were parked on the driveway in front of a big old looking house, just like the others in this old town. The yard was filled with over grown plants, bushes, and weeds. The canopy trees surrounded us, shading the house and driveway. Green was all over, and colorful flowers in the tall uncut grass. Even though i knew where i was, and why that didnt make the view any less beautiful. I was so used to being surrounded by buildings, traffic, and concrete. The sky was cloudy today but that didn't bother me, it was comforting knowing I wasn't the only thing feeling so dark and bleak. I didn't want to take my eyes off of it. I got lost in it, the colors and shapes blurring into one eventually. just lost.

"Earth to Alex?" my mom called to me. My eyes drifted back and i remembered what we were doing. "Sorry, Mom."

While we were pulling out my bags I heard the gravel crunch under foot steps. My eyes flickered  onto the face of a lady with brown hair clipped to the back of her head, and rectangle glasses that framed her small face. Her smile reached to her eyes. "Hey! You two!" she said as she embraced my mother.

"Mom!" my mother replied with glee. She dropped the bags in her hand to give my grandma a hug. I stood there awkwardly, not knowing how to approach my own grandma. I've only seen her on holidays, or birthdays when I was younger. I remember how she always came to my birthday's with gifts, shared her candy, gave me hugs, and kisses. Now that I am older and I only talk to her through the phone when my moms makes me, that makes things a little different. Im sure my mom filled her in on all the details of our life. All the loss, guilt, depression, and the uncontrollable anxiety that blends it all into one. I could feel my chest getting tighter, the memories starting to flood in. I would be drowning in them soon.

"I am glad you are here, sweetheart." My Grandma Chris said to me while still hugging my mother. I did my best to hold her eye contact then tried to form a smile, which probably looked more apologetic than one meant for a greeting. When they were done with their hug, my aunt hugged me too. Her clothes smelt clean and of some sort of herb. When we finished with our reunion, we all got my things up to the house with one trip.

"This is the house I grew up in." my mother said to me as we walked through the door. I looked around at the outside of the big white house. there was a patio that wrapped around it, big bay windows, potted plants, wind chimes, and little clay nick-nacks spread out. We walked through the door into the entry way of the house. Grandma made us remove our shoes at the door.

"Here it is! There are so many memories in this house. Do you remember how we use too mess with dad and.." my mom went on speaking to my grandma. I wasn't in the mood to pretend to act  pleased, or even attentive. I could feel the pain in my chest spreading to the rest of my torso. The pain that makes me choke up, causing me to forget how to breathe. I stared out the windows of the living room that we were in. It looked out onto the yard but I didn't see anything. I just staring blankly. I was trying my hardest to slow my breathing and focus on outside the room. I felt too restless to stand still. So I wandered around looking at the views in each window. Still not allowing my eyes to come back into the house. If I did, I would break down. I wouldn't want to scare anyone, especially on my first day here.

I must have forgotten to blink, I could feel my eyes burning from the dryness. Once I blinked my body relaxed a bit, letting out a shiver. It wasn't cold here at all, it was actually way hotter for this time of year.

"Alex, honey, why don't you take your things upstairs. There is a room for you, go ahead and get yourself settled in" my grandma spoke to me from the dinning room, where she sat with my mother. I didn't know how long I was sitting there, or if they even spoke to me before then. I got up to grab my backpack and smallest luggage then headed to the stairs. As I passed the dinning room, I caught my Grandma Chris's glance from the doorway. She gave me a reassuring smile with a nod. I wanted to return it but I doubt my face even made a twitch. I just nodded a little back, then continued walking.

*When I reached the top of the stairs the first room the door was ajar, I could tell this was my grandmas room. It had a mandala duvet on the huge bed and a scarf over the lamp to make a soft red glow. I looked to the second closest door, it was radiating light through the threshold. This must be another room she occupies. So I walked past it to the last door, and opened it. I found the light switch, it let off a warm yellow light from a lamp on top of the desk. The room was spacious, and had white blank walls. There was a wood canopy bed that matched the other furtinure. I set my bags onto the floor than walked over to the window. It was covered by sheer curtains. I pulled them back to see the view of the couple of blocks that separated us from the ocean. The ocean was darkened by the setting sun, it glinted off the dark blue color. The clouds where becoming a soft colors of sherbet. It looked so perfect, unreal. I unlatched the lock on the window, and swung the squeaky thing open. Letting the brisk air flow in. I let out a deep sigh. I was so unaware of how short and swiftly I was breathing. The humid air helped guide me to a slower, deeper rhythm of my breath. I sank to the floor under me, tucking my knees close to my chest. Watching the room get darker, waiting for the world to slip away, begging to disappear again.