Rerun

The Denied Realization and the Stubborn Acceptance

If Spencer were to explain the past (somewhat) year in one word, it would be repetitive. The last 365 days of his year have been the exact same five days repeated over and over again. 73 loops. He's thought about it time and time again, 'What could possibly be keeping me here?' but no answer ever came about.

Thinking back to his first to second time around, he remembers that Hotch had been shot in the head. Then he woke up in his bed like it had just been some random nightmare that his mind decided to put against him. And then he just went along, denying himself the realization of the fact that everything was the same as what he had thought was just a nightmare. But he did try his best to keep his boss from being shot this time, 'Just in case' He told himself.

But then it was Rossi who ended up getting killed. And then he woke up, back in his room.

When the realization of the situation finally dawned on him, he just sat there in his bed. Sweating and shaking. Scared. So he set out to try and figure out what was keeping him trapped in the loop.

Things come rather easily to the doctor- that much is true- but as the loop continued on, he found himself at a loss. Every time, no matter what he changed or what he did, he would still wake up in his bed. Shaking and crying like a child. He would cycle through the deaths of his teammates like clockwork. If Hotch didn't die, it was Rossi; If it wasn't Rossi, it was Prentiss; Then if Reid saved Prentiss, it would be Morgan; then in the very couple of loops it wasn't Morgan, it was JJ. A couple times, it was him who got shot. And in one shit show of a loop, Garcia was the one who took the bullet. So around his 23rd loop, Spencer decided to do nothing. To not even go on the case. But the second he called in sick, he woke up again. And in a stupid throwaway of a loop, he decided to tell someone. And then he was right back in his bed.

In loops 43-50, he found himself slipping into the dark embrace of insanity. He became desensitized to the images of his teammate's bloodied bodies in front of him. It was worrying- the whole situation itself was concerning but- after a while, he was only determined to get himself out of the loop. He stopped thinking about it in a way where everyone would be saved.

And it's not like the group didn't notice his festering mental instability. Every time Reid would walk through those glass doors into the bullpen, the others would look at him with the same exact concerned expressions. Nothing changed.

Despite his doubts that he would never get out of the loop, he still kept going. He kept changing things about each time around. Hell, he even killed himself a couple of times (but that was mostly out of a curiosity of what would happen if he did).

And then finally, finally, on the 73rd loop of the god damned case. Something changed.

Morgan changed.

It started small- something that Reid would've ignored the first few times around. Just little moments where Morgan would stop and look around the room- at everyone and what they were doing- with underlying confusion. He looked a lot like what Reid assumed he must have looked like when he first realized that things were wrong. And Reid, Reid was excited. He was happy. Finally, something was changing. Finally, he wouldn't have to be the only one going through this repetitive hell over and over again. Then, a couple times when they were going over the case, Morgan would mumble things about it that hadn't already been said. That confused expression slowly deepening into something bigger. And Reid recognized it as something that didn't happen all that often. Fear.

It was then that Spencer got to thinking about the prior loop. It had been a repeat of JJ's death again, and Morgan was there. He had been the one to try and stop the bleeding. Reid had just stood there, looking irritated and inconvenienced.