Ed Sheeran x reader ~SLOWBRUN~

Cahpeter One - Hot and Steamy

"Cause you'reeee my galway girl babyyyy UUUUUUUUH"

Ed peers up at you with his bulging crusty eyes. How did you become so lucky? Engaged to big ed at only 18 years of age? And to think you had been having segsy times only seconds before, he lasted almost an entire minute this time, record braking XD

TIME SKIP UWU

*1 hour earlier*

"Come on Y/N, we need to get to the club in time before all the alcohol is gone!"

you sigh and fuinish curling that last strand of hair. "Shrek, babey its fine you know we can just waitr in the toilets when people pee it out and forget to flush it"

Shreks bushy eyebrows soften as he remembers this fact. A nit falls from his monobrow. He looked so good. "Yeah, I guess I do like the alcohol warm when it's fresh from them. It's weird drinking a cold beer." He shivers.

Let's go to the club babey!

*10 minutes latwer*

You're grinding up on big dady shrek when you hear a grunt. You spin arownd confused "Shrek, my little dumptruck, what's rong?" His eyes were roled to the back of his head and yu could only see the gross white part of his eyeballs. hot. "Y/N y-your grdinging was j-just so d-ductile I..." You do a big old smirk. "You what? my day old cum sock <3" He lets out a slow mone. severeal people die. "I diarread". you meow. "but baby shrek, you only diarrea when you're anally prepared for coitus. uwu." he winks. A pregnant women dies. "let me get cleaned up and we can cum right back to where we left off." you cry a little bit because yor sad uncle shrek is leaving you. "okay". shrek leaves. a group of frat boys are knocked unconscius.

wait a second. who is that that you see across the dance floor? his vomit orange hair flowing as he grinds up onto an old man? you have to find out. you ve never seen anyone poses his beauty befor. you zoom over to him, pushing an OAP down the stairs as you stride with purpos.

"hello big daddy" he looks at you with lust in his eyes. "what's a fishes favorite pickup line?" you have bno idea "I have no idea". ed shines you a glaring smile as he thusts his hips into the old man. "Turn around and let me see that bass." This is it. The man of your dreams. i bet his bretah s,ells like tuna. I hope so. "Fuck shrek, I don't need him when I have you" 

at thst moment shrek overhears you. unfortunately his trousers where alredy down as he had diareaded himself remember. he cries. the OAP is broght back from the dead.

"shrek youll have to find your pubic lice form someone else, now only me and ed get to share them." Shrek purrs. the OAP is stabbed. 

as shrek is convulsing on the floor ed turns to you just as the old man cries out in joy from ed. "Y/N lets get maried" "YES". "ok come to my van lets have steamy segs time on my mattress covered in human feces". your mouth dribbles. "I call it the poop a scooper" he explains, "because after we finsihed i scoop the poop from you and smear it on my matress." the perfect man. "ok lets go"

the frat boys fight  in the corner. 

chad dies

a moment of silence

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nobody liked him anyway rawr

meanwhile you and ed are getting norty in the van. don't worry it was a black van not a white one so perfectly safe.

mmmmmm shrek i love tou so much

"did you just say shrek?????"

ed sheeran beats you to death

you die