Alone again. Or not completely alone. It is always with me. A thing what no one else can see, what no one else can hear, what no one else can feel. Why does it follow me? Only me? It tells me what I am and what I am not. It tells me what I cannot do. "You're ugly, weak, pathetic shit who can't leave home because you're afraid of everything".
I saw myself as a happy person before. That's what I still am but It is trying hide that from others, even from myself. I don't know what is true and what is false anymore. I only see colors, empty space and more colors. I don't feel anything. Where is all the happiness, laughing and smiling? There's only fear and anxiety left.
It is like a shadow or cloud what looks like a human, full of dark colors and shades, an accusing look on it's face. What is It? Why can't I touch it? I can only feel it's cold but burning hands killing me inside. It hurts.
It's just standing behind my back, arms around me... waiting for me to do something wrong... waiting for the time when it can say something rude... waiting for the moment when it can kill me inside again.
I just have to stay still. I have to stay quiet, alone, scared... I just have to stay with It.
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