No one but you

When you're gone

It was a Tuesday night in 2007. Mac and Will were back at her place to have dinner after a really good broadcast. Will had brought a pack of Stella and they were having pepperoni pizza. But not until Will realized MacKenzie had a strange face and teased her until she starting blurting words into the story of how a year ago she answered one of Brian's phone calls and it ended with them spending 4 months in each other's beds.

"So that was what happened. I never saw him again after that night and I'm sorry." The look on her face was part worried part ashamed. "I never meant to hurt you, Will. It was stupid and I am really sorry." She was looking down, waiting for Will to say anything but he was frozen gazing the floor. "Please, say something. Anything. Yell at me. Fight me. Curse at me, anything." She begged still sitting down. Mac didn't know if she could hold herself together if she stood up, she might fall down or run to his arms to cry on his shoulder.

After what felt like minutes, Will finally looked her in the eyes and got up from the couch. She eargerly looked at him, expecting for him to say whatever the fuck was on his mind. But he didn't. He turned his back and walked towards the door. "Will, PLEASE!" She reached him and held his hand on the door knob, not letting him open it. 

"MacKenzie, please, let it go." He looked like he was controlling some unspeakable anger. Their nuckles already white because of the strength they were holding the knob.

"Will?" She whimpered. 

"Let it go." He repeated without even looking at her. She felt the pain he was holding back so she obeyed. He continued to walking away and pressed the elevator's button. She followed him, her face all wet because of the amount of tears she was silently crying.

"Billy, I'm so sorry. I love you." He nodded and the saddest smile opened on his face.

"I never loved anyone like I loved you, Mac. But right now, I don't think I can love you anymore." He got inside the elevator and Mac stood out in the corridor for a few seconds until the automatic light didn't sense any movements and turned off.

She closed her eyes, feeling the pain on her chest getting bigger and heavier and passing onto her stomach, making her feel sick. With a strength she didn't know she had that moment, Mac managed to run inside her apartment in time to reach the bathroom and throw up. She made her way to the shower, taking a long one, letting the water run trough her body while she sat on the floor, thinking what was going to happen with them. Will had left for good? Was he coming back? Was there any way she could redeem herself? Was it the stupidest thing ever that she had told him? Did he mean when he said he couldn't love her anymore? Had she lost him? 

It took some serious concentration and a lot of energy for her to dry herself and lay in bed. Everything and anything would fill her head with despair. Mac cuddled herself with the blanket and some pillows, wishing to feel Will's warmth beside her. At some point on the evening, she cried herself to sleep. 

____

The next morning Mac didn't have enough strength to get out of bed. She called Charlie, lied that she had a cold and asked for 1-2 days off, which he willingly gave her, no questions asked.

Charlie's passivity made her think that maybe Will had already told him and he was also so upset at her that he preferred not to look at her face. But Mac simply didn't have the energy to think about it. The only thing she could feel or think of was that she had at least that day off. 

And he spent the rest of it in bed, still processing the fact that Will hadn't called, neither answered any of her texts or the 23 voicemails she left him.

She didn't do anything besides sleeping until dawn. 

Around 2AM, Mac slipped out of bed to eat something, she finally felt hungry. She cut an apple and a banana in a bowl, poured some honey and grabbed a glass of water before sitting on the couch.