Rewind

XLI: Decision

    I spend hours making research, watching videos, reading pamphlets and exploring the course structures. I start with psychology but then find out many other branches and from there I expand. I don’t even notice how time passes by and when Mum comes to call me because dinner is ready, I tell her I will have to skip because I’m doing something incredibly important and that she has to trust me.

I haven’t made a decision just yet, but I do think I’ve found what I was looking for, something that combines all my interests and that would fascinate me until the end of times. So once I have that I think it’s time to talk to my parents about the prospect and ask them for their opinion.

It’s fairly late when I get out my room and ask them to spear a moment to talk to me.

“What is going on, Allison?” Mother asks with a curious expression.

I’ve noticed since I started changing and treat them more lovingly they have softened a bit. Mum smiles more and even Dad doesn’t seem so severe all the time.

“I think I found what I really want to study,” I blurt out and they look at me with wide eyes. “The University of Cambridge offers these Natural Science Tripos and there’s a Psychological and Behavioural Science course that is so fascinating. I have great chances to expand and study other things if I take the Natural Science Tripo and I really think I want to specialise in neuroscience. Cognitive neuroscience. Most students end up staying for PhDs so I think I will also do that and it’s all so exciting, Mum, Dad! Everything looks so thrilling and enlightening.” I end up giggling and making such nervous gestures with my hands because I can’t seem to stand still. My parents look at me still impressed but I notice a little smile coming to my father’s lips.

“And what would you do with that later on, Allison?” Dad asks.

“Research! I want to understand what happens in our brains with certain emotions and how everything works and I want to be able to do something, to help. I want to understand human behaviour because I don’t think there’s something more fascinating than that!” I exclaim and I have to fight the giggles. “It’s so wide and that’s the point, I have so many options because I’ll be able to understand and if I understand I can do something about it. I love helping, Mum, Dad. I want to do more than just offering comforting words or a hug. I want to also give a practical and working solution, I want to give clarity.”

Mum and Dad look at each other in that way that tells me they are communicating without words, then they smile at each other before Dad stands up and walks up to me. His hand lands on my shoulder and he gives me a tight squeeze.

“It seems you found what you love, Allison. We are very proud of you for making a decision and we do believe you’ll excel in this area. You will do an outstanding job and help many people,” he says and my throat closes up at the same time that my eyes well up.

I don’t say anything back, I just wrap my arms around his waist and hug him tightly, feeling so light after finding what I really want to do. I squeeze him even tighter when he hugs me back, burying my face in the crook of his neck as I feel him patting my back. My father has never done this before and it couldn’t have happened in a better moment.

When he pulls back I notice Mum is next to us, smiling. “We love you, Allison,” she says and I can barely keep my tears at bay because they have said it first, not as a response to my words so I just grab mum’s wrist and pull her to join us in the hug.

“Allison, this is too much,” Dad complains but I’m just chuckling. “Allison.”

“Five seconds, let’s have a group hug for five seconds,” I plead and I hear him sigh.