I sat down on the edge of the roof and let my booted feet swing down the side of the six story building. The bricks of the building felt rough against my legging-covered calves.
The people down below, illuminated by the street light, looked tiny, as if they were all little bugs in a child's ant farm.
How dare they walk around in their fancy outfits and play on their high tech smart phones in their nice, heated, homes.
Miss would have never gotten mad, but she isn't here because of the arrogance of the strangers here on 64th street. She isn't here because no one in the whole world seemed to care but me. I couldn't convince them she was worth saving. I couldn't save her, and it is my fault.
I pulled my feet up and stood up on the ledge.
The wind gently blew loose strands of hair and my green twill shirt dress behind me. I was in the same outfit I was in when the good in me died just a few days previous. It felt appropriate to be in the same outfit both times I die.
The fall looked inviting, beckoning me to just step off. It was just one step; one little step and it would be over. I felt fearless.
I looked down and let out a hollow smile toward the ground and the strangers walking down the street. Maybe seeing the life drain out of my dark brown eyes will be the perfect punishment for the people's unkindness. They will then have two deaths on their unknowing consciences.
I then heard a banging on the locked door to the roof. I heard desperate muffled yelling coming from behind the door that I couldn't understand.
If I was going to drop the time would be now.
The door flew open and ,Andrew burst through.
He saw me standing there and his level of panic raised to an extreme. His eyes were plastered open and were fixed on me. He started to walk towards me with his hands up; a poor attempt to not frighten me.
"Stop! Right there!" I barked, and Andrew stopped in his tracks.
"Cay, please, just get down from there." He asked, using his nickname for me. His voice wavered. Seeing I wasn't going to respond, he started to inch towards me.
"I swear, Andrew, if you take one more step I'm going over." I threatened him, my voice cold and unforgiving, though I was the one who needed forgiving. Once again he stopped where he was, but then tried a new tactic.
"Cay, whatever it is that's wrong can be fixed. I can help you." He offered, and I looked down at the street again. When I looked back up he was looking me right in the eye.
"You can't fix my problems, Andy." I told him. He started to talk again but I cut him off. it all just seemed to come out at once. "You don't know what it's like, to look in the mirror and hate what you see. I'm not smart and I'm not pretty and I'm not funny and I sometimes stutter when I talk and I'm not good at showing my feelings and I don't deserve to be around the amazing people who I surround myself with and I disappoint everyone I meet and people keep leaving me," I didn't realize I was crying until that point. "And worst of all I couldn't save her!" I screamed. "I couldn't save her and now she's gone and it's my fault."
I felt nauseous and dizzy, and I wanted it to end.
Andrew had tears in his eyes and he looked quickly down at his shoes then back at me. He had known me for years and I'd never told him. He took a deep breath.
"Please?" he asked, his voice breaking whatever pieces of my heart I had left. "I'm begging you, Cay; don't." He pleaded with a shattered voice. "Don't leave me here alone."
It was those five words that pulled me back into the broken pieces of my reality and onto the roof. I sighed and accepted defeat. The dizziness in my head was suddenly almost unbearable, making me loose my balance. Andrew caught me before I hit the rooftop. I looked at him, and the moment our eyes met I started to sob.
"It's okay, you're safe now." He whispered, and he held me as we both cried. I will forever remember that day as the day Andrew saved me from myself.
• • • • • •
How the hell did we get there, to an almost suicide, you ask? Well I didn't start that way; depressed and suicidal. Everybody has a story, and this is just a snapshot of mine.
So sit down, get comfortable, maybe grab a cup of hot chocolate; this might take awhile. But, don't worry, it very well might be worth the admission.
(Hey if you're reading this and you like it, make sure to tell me and I'll write another chapter c:)
