insomnia. | renmin

one.

『•• authors note (beg.) ✎••』

t/w: implications/conversations of suicide attempt(s).

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chapter 1 》 renjun focus.

huang renjun surges awake from his short-lived slumber; his chest heaving from the massive pants he feels erupting from his lungs. sweat beads leave continuous trails of hidrosis down his icy skin in an achingly slow manner. he can feel the cold droplets of perspiration that always seem to break out under his flesh as the wicked moisture trickles down his body, unwillingly gracing their appearance. the dampness from his body slips through the invisibly small threads of the certain choice of fabric he decided to wear to bed tonight.

and for a sliver of a moment, he's incredibly confused.

confused about where he is. when the last time he closed his eyes was before now. his heart pounds against his ribcage violently and it feels as if he hasn't slept a wink.

when his vision begins to unblur, he is almost hesitant to check the time on the clock resting on the nightstand beside him to gauge how much of a break he managed to catch today.

because when he is finally able to get an ounce of sleep - after a typical fifty-seven hours of not dozing off, the universe doesn't grace him with rest for very long. he knows better than to believe he will ever be getting a consecutive set of full night's sleep considering his condition.

it never allows it.

thankfully, no more than a few more moments after his failed attempt to slow his heart rate, renjun feels the instant protection of his husband's arms wrapping around his unusually frail limbs. he releases the first unwilling tear of many soon to make their appearance on his ashen skin.

to be honest: huang renjun hates this.

he despises the feeling of dread that overcomes him when the sky falls dark and the world around him becomes mute.

he cannot stand the crippling anxiety that grips his body when his husband curls up next to him and peppers light kisses on his temple to soothe the older male before they slide under their duvet.

he's always hungry, constantly on either side of the spectrum of overheating or freezing, and simply too fatigued to function in his regular day-to-day routine.

life is just one shitty replay of the same tired show according to renjun.

he truly resents more than anything, that of all the things he could have wished to not happen to him, this disease is what he initially ended up with.

his body shakes in place as his mind travels at what feels like a million miles per minute. but when the world starts to become a little too much to bear, there is always his husband, na jaemin, to pull him back down to earth.

"bǎobèi?" renjun seeks out in distress as the latter engulfs him in his body - the steel nerves of fear upon waking up starting to lessen ever so slightly in intensity for renjun as more time dwells on. 

jaemin reaches over renjun's body to flicker on the miniature night light next to their bedframe as renjun's sobs grow louder.

"injun ah, it's alright my love." jaemin is heard shushing the older male, running a careful hand through his hair as he rubs his back with the other. "i'm right here."

jaemin can feel the small man nod into his neck as he releases a heavy sigh. jaemin is repeating his former three words for as long as it takes renjun to fully correspond with jaemin's gentle tone.