Warning: trigger warning, please don't read could trigger unwanted emotions and upset you!!!
My mind is like a paradox i want to be happy but my mind makes me upset, i want to love but mind tells me i can't and dont deserve to, i want to think im beautiful my mind tells me I'm not, i want to think im sane my mind proves im not.
I have a mess of a mind
I nsecure
N umb
S lut
O dd
M elancholy
N ervous
I diot
A nxious
Now shall i bleed?
Now shall i die?
It's all in the beholders eye.
Having nightmares since three is never a normal thing but I've never been a normal girl. Couped up all day in my room with vinyl and books is all the comfort i deserve, my friend's will all be fedup and done with me soon, it's a vicious cycle that happens time and time again.
Getting more pale and more frail as the time passes, wear big hoodies no one will tell the difference between skinny and pretty. Now i don't have anorexia i fear i am already to thin but also not thin at all, a confusing thing really, eating a lot, getting called fat by my sister, asked if i want to get fat again by my mother, all a reason of why i changed myself trying to fit inside of the mold my mother wants me to be, but regrettably the mold is cracking, leading to her dismay and my discomfort. The one thing i can say came out of my insanity was the fact my mind has turned me nauseous thinking so much which leads to me having bile rise way to high for pain not to be there leading to being more thin, just the way im expected to be.
Stretch marks and pain is what you can't see Im very good at hiding i have my insecurities but it's masked with insults, sarcasm and an frustrating attitude, today my brother turned eighteen and just thinking about the fact he's leaving forever soon baffles me, he's been the only person i think I've truly not cared what they thought of me, he's been my bestfriend and i can't begin to explain how his mind works, surely it's like mine. Tonight we went outside he lit a cigarette and talked about how he's leaving and won't come back and he's destined for something better then this goddamn town, and i believe him too, but i don't believe when he told me I'll be fine when he leaves...
Infatuation is a fickle thing I've had it many times, but I've come to realize it's just infatuation, but i want the real thing, i read about love in books and it all seems so perfect it couldn't be true, I've become obsessed with the idea of love, but i don't deserve it and i will never get it, i open myself up to easily and get looks of annoyance and disgust in return.
I remember in my english class this year we were reading the outsiders classic i know, and ponyboy i thought was just so dreamy and perfect for me, i ended up squealing a lot and a girl said "I'll pay to send her to therapy" and i tried to make a joke about it but when i could hear the girls at a table over saying things like hyper, obsessed, weird, annoying and way more i decided that i wouldn't let myself show again i showed up to my next english class, didn't talk nor did i get excited, the teacher asked if i was alright, my answer yes just tired, everytime i wish someone would just ask me tired of what? But i have no such luck and even if they did i wouldn't open up to them, but no my teacher said to go get a drink of water and take a walk..she's always been my favorite teacher, but i still had no such luck, at the time i wanted to dress to impress so i wore a skirt to school i ended up being tripped by someone, and even though i had shorts under got called a slut, i barely made it down the hall before breaking down into and anxiety attack and wouldn't you know i hear the guy i was infatuated withs voice so i got up as best i could and somehow made it to the bathrooms. I had made it through the day feeling worse then when i came and after walking home i get in the door and get called a slut by my mom because of what i was wearing, i myself was very confused because it was my sister's skirt who wore it with nothing under and is more then five inches taller and never got one insult when she wore it.
Now beauty they say is only skin deep but it is not true at all, i don't wear makeup and i get told all the time i should it'd do me a lot of good but yet i still don't, my older sister has always been the beautiful one, i had always been the ugly one she's made that clear to me all my life and most people too, i remember on the first day of school this year i was walking and all i hear is them saying my sister's name and oh her little sister got even worse ha fun ya no...and as for the whole body thing being thin and having boobs doesn't make you beautiful, infact it sucks sometimes, i remember in grade 7 i had basically since day one been told i stuffed my bra and stuck out my chest and was a nasty slut. I was under five feet tall and had the body of a girl in highschool or older, and dancing for ten years made my back arched a lot! So it is really weird looking and always looked like i push out my chest no matter how hard i try not to!
Now dancing and singing and writing have always been some of my passions, but with dancing i remember after doing it for ten years my mom told me i sucked and had no coordination, for singing she always encouraged me told me i was great but one time singing in the car she tells me to shut up and i suck so I'm in choir and my teacher gets mad because i won't sing unless it's with everyone and i even had an anxiety attack before the tests because you had to sing at the front with only two people maximum while everyone listened ya not so good for me at all! And writing, it's the one thing i still fall back on thus why im writing this, i love to write i love the expression and everything and when i write i don't feel insecure no one has ruined it for me yet but I've been ruining it for myself because as i said my mind won't let me be happy and for now im used to it
My mind is a mess a crazy paradox that will oneday be nothing and none of it will matter and i won't be remembered but i want to leave my mark with something but i won't have such luck, most people don't.
Mind of a mess
Mess of a mind
Maybe I'm insane
-Xx
