𝗟𝗼𝘀𝘁

Crows

'Dear diary. Today will be different. It has to be. I will smile, and it will be believable. My smile will say "I'm fine, thank you." "Yes, I feel much better." I will no longer be the sad little girl who lost her mother. I will start fresh. Be someone new. It's the only way I'll make it through.'

Historia sighed, setting down her pen. She was sitting on her windowsill, her knees bent in front of her with her journal leaning against them. The words, even written down privately in her diary, felt like a lie. She had to try to believe them though. What other choice did she have? She was pulled from her thoughts by the smell of smoke.

When she ran downstairs, she found her dad and Jean already in the kitchen. Jean was sitting at the table sipping coffee. Erwin was making pancakes. That explained the smoky smell. Historia hurried over and turned off the burners, frowning at the blackened batter. She didn't have time to clean it now if she wanted to be on time for school. Erwin looked crestfallen.

"I wanted to give you guys a nice breakfast for your first day back at school," Erwin said. He paused. "Cooking was always more of your mom's thing."

"Dad," Historia said, frowning. She didn't know what to say.

"It's all about the coffee," Jean said, raising his mug. Historia shot Jean a grateful look.

"Yeah," Historia agreed.

"And don't you have a presentation to give at work today?" Jean asked.

"I'm meeting my boss-" Erwin looked at the clock. "Shit. Now."

"Go give your presentation and save the world," Historia said. Erwin was the manager of the local wildlife protection board. His degree was in biology and he was giving his presentation on ways to effectively manage the deer population of Mystic Falls.

"We'll be fine," Jean added. "Promise." They both watched their dad hurry out the door. "You okay?" Jean asked looking at Historia.

She frowned. She could lie to her dad. She could lie to her friends. She could even lie to herself. Lying to Jean? That was harder.

"Don't start," she sighed. Hurt flashed across Jean's face and Historia felt a wave of guilt. She had stepped it up over the summer. She really had. She'd started obsessively cleaning the house. She'd started doing her dad and Jean's laundry as well as her own. And the towels. Jean had gotten a job at 'The Mystic Grill' to help keep the electricity on. They were both trying really, really hard. It just felt like everything  Historia did fell flat.

The last time she'd felt really alive had been back in May when she'd had - whatever that was - with Reiner for a month. Ending it had been the right thing. But Historia wasn't looking forward to potentially running into him in the halls.

Her grades at the end of last year had been abysmal and her friendships had suffered. She'd fallen into a pit and it had been impossible to climb out. She wasn't sure she was out even now. The darkness still felt like it was pressing down from all sides. Like she was buried underground. Like it was her in a coffin six feet under in Mystic Falls Cemetery, instead of Hange. But she was ready to pretend to act normal. She'd taken the summer and done her best to learn to be a shadow of a person again. She knew Jean was just trying to look out for her, but it drove her nuts the way he always checked on her in that tone that made it impossible to lie.

There was a honk outside and they both hurried out to see Sasha in her silver Kia, waving. Falco was in the passenger seat and Gabi was in the backseat. Historia and Jean hurried down the porch steps and climbed into the back with Gabi. The sunny day felt like it was mocking Historia. She felt so far away from everyone else. In the past, a day like this would have put her in a happy-go-lucky mood. Maybe she would have suggested they all go to the park after school. Now she just wanted the sky to cloud over to match her mood.