I opened up my lunch box and ate away my food. I was starving since I wasn't able to eat breakfast this morning. "Hey Nyla" Brayden was sitting across from me. "Yes"? I answered with a mouth stuffed with food. "Wanna head to the pizza place and go on a date" Braydon was raising his eyebrows as an expression of curiosity. "No you idiot now stop asking me that question. I always answer with "No". Always have been and ALWAYS will be" I wink at him. He sighed then turned his attention to someone else. Brayden is always tryna ask me out. So annoying.
I looked behind me. He was there. Yes! I smile with such joy. There's this guy, he's about 2 years older than me. He's really cute tho. His name is Noah. Noah had medium length hair that would sit at the side of his cheeks. He had both brown eyes and brown hair. He is really tall. He seemed pretty popular. I wanna talk to him, but I don't know how to even address someone who's in 5th grade. The bell ran, it's time to head to class.
I saw Miss Kim eating a lot. Is that what happens when you get pregnant? I hear you puke when you are with a child. I hope she doesn't puke on my desk or anything. I look at my notebook. I realized we had a test today. I'm pretty prepared for it, I studied all week for this. "Class, get ready, we 're gonna start in 5". I tapped my fingers against my desk as I was waiting impatiently. I watched as Miss Kim slid the paper onto my desk. Who knew a piece of paper could determine so much. How is it that liquid from a pen can mean so much. Determine your whole future. I got my note back, I wasn't surprised I got an A +. Last time I checked I am the smartest kid in the class. I went around showing off my notes. Most of the class got B's.
On the bus ride home I was really excited to show my mother my note. She's gonna be so proud of me, all the effort she puts in us will pay off. I can finally show her that I'm not a disappointment and that I can live up to her expectations. The bus stopped just at the curb of the street. I tugged Jason out of the bus, he looked pretty tired but I didn't care. I just wanted to see mom's face when she saw my note. Jason will never understand what it's like to be Mommy's little girl. I need to do my best, I can't let her down. I unlocked the door with my keys. I didn't see mom on the couch for once. I put my bag on the ground then went to see if she was in the kitchen. I saw her look at me, she panicked and put something back in the cabinet. "Oh hey hun, I didn't hear you come in". She smiles at me as if she was actually excited to see me home. I smile back with a weird half smile look on my face. I chuckled then turned around. I grabbed the test out of my bag and raised it into the air, moving it from side to side as if I was teasing a dog with a bone. "Look mom". "Hold on Chunk i'm doing something". Ugh she's always doing something. If she could just give me 5 seconds she would know how smart I can be, and how responsible I am. "Mooooom" I say in a whining tone. "Chunk give me a goddamn sec". I roll my eyes. I set the test on the table beside the bags that were filled with white powder. I wonder what that could be. I ignore it then walk upstairs.
I grabbed the mp3 player my mother gave to me, and listened to my songs. Whenever I feel bad or can't take it anymore my music has always found a way to fill the void in my heart. I wish I could just escape to the beat of the songs, sometimes I feel like I can flow with the song and just forget everything. Forget about the pain, the stress, the ignorance, and the sadness I tend to feel from time to time. I close my eyes. I see shape and forms in different colours. Colours that I never thought I'd see again in my life. Colours that seem to bring a smile on my small sad face. I open my eyes. I checked the time.
IT'S 9PM!!?? I feel like it's been 2 minutes. I wish time flew by this fast when mother gives me a beating. Jason! OMG! I rush out the door to see if he's okay. I saw he wasn't in his room so I went downstairs. I heard mom laughing. Then I heard Jason laughing. It makes my day whenever I hear Jason having fun with mom. They have a bit of a love hate relationship. I understand where he is coming from, but hiding and neglecting isnt gonna get you anywhere.
I made my way to the washroom. I grabbed the toothbrush and brushed away as if only time could stop me. I rinse my mouth then I hop in the shower. Once I stepped in and felt the burning sensation of the water, I didn't want to get out. This shower is as warm as my mothers embrace. I really charice those moments, it's not often she hugs us or shows us much affection. I started to put my pjs on.
I went downstairs and to kiss my mom goodnight, I then went to see if Jason was settled in. I tucked my feet in then pulled the blanket up to my chin. All of the sudden I feel a warm sensation on my face, slowly starting to drip down my cheek. I realized it was a tear. I was crying, I didn't know why but I was. I got up, next thing I know I'm face down on my matrice crying hysterically. I sniffled the rest of the depression and looked up. I got out of my bed and walked towards my mirror. As I watched myself whip the tears of my face, I could picture a rope around my neck. I tilted my head to the right side. I can imagine it, like a big oversized necklace. A rope would look good on me. Tied around my neck, ending my misery. End the pain. I can't, Jason needs me. Or at least I need him. I need to know mother won't hurt him the way she hurts me. Mentally and physically. She doesn't hit him as hard as she doesn with me, she hits me more often. I would hit me too. I'm a disgrace to her. I walk back to my bed. I couldn't sleep.
I walked downstairs to see if mom was awake. She was watching tv. "Mom"? "Let me guess you can't sleep"? She had a smile on her face. For once it looked like a real smile, one with real meaning. "Come i'll give you something to help you sleep throughout the night". Mom got up and walked towards the kitchen. I followed her like a lamb and a shepherd. She grabbed what looked like chocolate, but it wasn't. "Mom what is this"? I wondered. "It will help you sleep. Just don't tell anyone i'm giving you this okay"? She gave me a serious look. "What is this"? I asked "Lets just call it the magic chocolate". She chuckled as she gave me two pieces she snapped off. I took them and went upstairs. I was debating on if I should eat them or not. I looked up at the mirror. I looked at myself and saw that I needed sleep, so I took them and ate them. I felt bad for what I did, since I know that mother doesn't take good stuff. So whatever it was she gave to me was gonna affect me in a bad way. I walked towards my bed. As I closed my eyes, I felt like my whole world was spinning. It was like the bed lifted from the ground and was racing in circles.
I grabbed the cereal box, practically ate the whole box. Jason was on his way downstairs. He always wakes up so early. I'm surprised I woke up at this time on a Saturday. I usually can go up too, maybe 2-3pm but I think the "Magic chocolate" mom gave me was hitting me real hard. Could be something else. I don't know at this point. "Jason! Good Morning". "Good Morning sissy". He looks like he gets a decent amount of sleep at night. Lucky. Sometimes I get jealous of Jason but then I feel bad for feeling that way about him. "Sorry I kinda ate the rest of this box, but there's more in the cabinet". "Oh okay". Jason looked like he wasn't happy. "Jason are you okay"? "Yes, I'm fine". He didn't look fine. I know he's lying, my brother always has this kind of a guilty look on his face when he's lying. It's really hard to tell, but you gotta look really hard. Living with him my whole life gave me enough practice to notice the difference between lying and bending the truth. He was definitely lying.
I feel like I should do something but whenever I try or attempt to help he always shuts me out and acts like he's on this hard long journey alone. I just want him to realize that I'm here for him, he can talk to me.
If only I knew how to do that. Keep my feelings bottled up to not hurt others. I can only do it for so long. Sooner or later I burst it all out and end up hurting a lot more than what I intend to do. Not that I intend to hurt people at all, I just end up hurting like half of the world. At least that's what it feels like.
Me and Jason both know I'm mom's favourite but for some reason she takes it upon herself to be more harsh with me (mostly physically). I don't take it too seriously but I still wonder why she does the things she does. She will slap me till blood has been shed, she will yell at me until my ears are dead.
She always gives me "that look". I don't know how to describe it, she will look at me deep into my eyes. Like she's looking for something. As if she's looking for happiness to grip it and take it for herself. Everytime I pass by her, it doesn't matter if it's to grab a snack from the kitchen or to say goodnight. She gives me that look. I don't like looking at her in her eyes. But when I do it's like all I see is sadness, sorrow, like someone or something is holding her captive and she can't escape. If I could I would give her my life. Give her the rest of the happiness I got, if I even have anymore. If only I knew how to help her and my brother. I would do anything to help them. Even if that means leaving this world. If my sacrifice will make them happy I am willing to give it to them.
