Crowns of Flame and Ice - Book One

(12) The Ghost of You

Rosie was gone when I'd awoken, apparently, I'd fallen asleep after my hours of drawing. Unsurprisingly, Rosie had tidied up, made me breakfast and drawn a bath for when I'd finally dragged myself out of bed. All a clear sign she wasn't going to let James's death affect her work, she'd grieve and move on. Or at least make it appear that way, Rosie and I were similar in that way, we didn't want anyone to see our emotions and turn them against us. Also unsurprisingly my father had wasted no time and I'd been informed the ball would be this evening and I was to attend. What didn't need to be added was that if I didn't, I would probably be killed. I had no doubt that there would some sort of punishment after I practically announced I was going to dethrone the kings but that was a problem for future Anala. There wasn't any logical way for me to accomplish that, if the current kings were dethroned my sister and Quilo would take their places. I wasn't sure that was any better. I could hear James scolding me in the back of my mind telling me how my actions would have consequences but James was gone, James wasn't here to stop me. My threats last night had been empty, I had meant every word of them, but they had been empty. What I'd said hadn't been false or a lie, I'd beam with triumphant glee the day their crowns fell. But I couldn't find a way to make it happen, all I could do was try to save as many people from their shadow as possible. I was just a princess, a princess that isn't loved, isn't wanted and isn't desired. But I was a princess with a dream, a dream where people could dance and enjoy art, could laugh with friends and then go home to families who were well fed and comfortable. I'd sacrifice everything I was and had which wasn't much, but I'd do it to achieve that dream. I blinked back tears that were prickling in my eyes, there was no point in them anyway. Just as I was about to tumble into sadness and dread a familiar voice, the one that sounded like greed, anger, rage and pride incarnate, began screaming at me the same three words over and over again. turn it off. it's like a switch in my mind, a switch that allows me to just stop feeling. I knew it was a rather convenient lie that allowed me to pretend I was no one and nothing. I wanted to feel nothing, wanted to feel as though no one and nothing mattered. Wanted to, but couldn't.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Perched in a large brown leather chair directly in front of the blazing hot fire I stared into the dancing flames. Watching them dance and twirl around the logs. Lost in thought I'd somehow forgotten to blink, too mesmerized by the dancing flames licking their way up the brick sides. My eyes stung and my skin burned from the heat, but that was the least of my concerns. With my sketchbook and pencil in hand, I began to mindlessly scribble down onto the paper. My mind immediately went to the meeting yesterday, not James's death but the other problem at hand. I was to go to the mountains to track down some nameless object without any worthwhile help. I knew of large bests and poisonous beings that prowled the woods and scuttled along the floors at night. Some rumours claimed they descended from beings who served the fae, some rumours claimed that they were beasts but without their magic that made them terrifyingly brutal. These creatures that lurked in the shadows of the forest could still end my existence in one swipe of a claw-tipped paw or a prick from a venom coated tail even without their magic and power. The mountains were even deadlier as despite them being divided between the two kingdoms they ran themselves, almost like a third territory. Every single person who dwelled within them would be more than happy to put a sword through an outsider's chest without any hesitation. Rumours claimed that their people were cold and unfeeling, but what was worse was how they treated their women. The only jobs that they were permitted to work were as bar staff or prostitutes intended for men to use and then disregard. What was worse was the fact the king of Calvain did little to hide his encouragement of what went on there claiming it was good for trade with the amount of alcohol they consume.

But at least I'd have Quilo there, right? I snort and then give an apologetic wince to passers-by giving me disapproving looks in the otherwise silent room. I knew Quilo had had some training of his own in Calvain but I'd never seen him fight, never seen him even train other than his morning runs. There was absolutely no way I was ever going to let myself get into the situation where I'd need to trust him with my life. I'd have to come up with the perfect plan to get there safely and ensure Quilo didn't screw it up in the process. The kings couldn't be persuaded to let me go alone or not at all, I knew that, they needed both of us to keep up the ruse of the real reason we were going. I tried not to think about the other reason why my father was sending me instead of my sisters but I did take a bit of satisfaction in understanding another reason why he was sending me. The training I had had was now a necessity in ensuring we stood a chance in getting this object, the very training he originally forbade me from having. Apparently, it wasn't necessary for a princess to learn how to fight. Perhaps he thought I was capable of winning this fight and he wasn't just sentencing me to my death. I snort again, roughly scribbling my pencil onto the paper with more violence than necessary.

How could I tolerate Quilo for that long? every time I saw him all I wanted to do was shove my fist into his face, fast and hard. Quilo always seemed so cold and not the nice wintery type where you could snuggle down with a blanket and a book and feel comfortable. There was this line he always seem to walk. The one where he always tried so hard to impress his father and do everything he asked but had not yet become the monster his father was, or was trying not to anyway. I didn't blame Quilo for James's death but it was hard to pretend that he hadn't held me back at his father's request. He didn't fight me when I tried to get away but then he didn't try to stop his father either. Some nagging part of my mind wondered why Quilo just stood by his father's side without saying a word and whether he truly did believe in his father's decisions as king.