The Story of a Silly Lesbian

August, 2016

TW: Abuse, Mention of Suicide

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!"

"Don't talk back to me. How dare you hurt him."

"We were playing! He hurt me and I pushed him off of me! I didn't mean-"

"Save it. You hurt him like that again, and I will kill you. Do you understand me. I will make you suffer."

I nod my head

"I said, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

"Yes! Dad, I said yes. I'm sorry."

I feel the tears running down my cheeks. My chest is tight. I can't breathe. He's scaring me.

"Say it louder next time, you bitch."

He raises his hand. I close my eyes as it comes towards me.

I open my eyes.

"It was just a dream." I tell myself, trying to calm my rapid heartbeat. It didn't help. The sad reality is, it wasn't just nightmare, it had happened before. Everything up until he raised his hand at me. My dad had never hit me before, shame too. If he had hit me, I'd have evidence to use against him.

This isn't the first nightmare I've had about it, I've been having them ever since I got back from the hospital last week. I had tried to kill myself. I didn't succeed.

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was overwhelmed, scared, and I needed an out. So, I swallowed 13 pills. In hindsight, definitely not enough to kill me, but enough where I finally got help.  I told the nurse about how my dad had been emotionally abusing me and my brother for years, threatening us, calling us names, and they sent child services to my house. My parents lied, blamed everything on me. And, because of my memory problem, I couldn't draw from many specific instances, I only had the names and threats.

Child services left, without taking action, and our house has been tense ever since. I'm not allowed to leave the house on my own, I'm not allowed my phone or computer; it sucks, big time. I wish instead of being angry at me for my attempt, they' help me. But I guess, if wishes were fishes, the world would be an ocean.

I close my eyes, and try to fall back asleep.