Why Wait?

Akaashi's Letter

Dear family and friends,

As much as I am trying to get over Bokuto's death I just can't bring myself to ever be okay again. The constant memories from when he was here and when everything was okay always berate my mind. I remember having nightmares a lot while he was still alive as I feared for the day that he would be gone, and now he is. Now I know I will never be able to look into his beautiful bright yellow eyes or feel the warmth of his presence with me ever again. I am never going to see Bokuto again apart from my memories. There were few times we were able to experience true life outside of the hospital with each other as normal friends did.Even though we did get to play that volleyball game together and went to my house a few times, it wasn't enough. Why couldn't we have had more time together? What I would give to watch Cloud Atlas at least one more time with him. Bo's health had declined so quickly in the short time I knew him, it's terrifying to watch someone you'd just met deteriorate before your eyes. It's funny to me how I went from trying to intern at our local hospital to meeting my soulmate, if I can even call him that. Since day one of our friendship, Bokuto was dying. I only ever knew him to have FFI and at first glance, I never even thought there was anything wrong with him. It didn't take long for me to learn that what had been happening to him was real and there was nothing I could do other than be there for him. I always told myself to cherish every moment I had with him because I knew eventually I wouldn't have him anymore. I can no longer sit here and say that everything is fine. Knowing he was going to die didn't make it hurt any less. I guess you could say waking up next to the corpse of someone you love does a number on you mentally. What I've realized is that in my efforts to be there for Bokuto, he did as much for me as I tried to do for him. Maybe even more than that. No one had ever accepted me and cared about me as openly as Bo did and I wish I could thank him for that. The day he looked me in the eyes and told me to stop seeing him my heart shattered into millions of pieces. When he accused me of being attached to him I denied his statement, even though no truer words had been spoken. We needed each, I need him. This is why I write this in saying that I believe I can no longer live without him. Someone I knew for less than a year has left such a mark on my life that I don't believe there is a point of return for me. It's selfish, and don't worry I'm fully aware of that and I cannot imagine how the people who knew him for years are still feeling at this moment. All I know is that what I feel is acceptance. Not for Bokuto's death, but the acceptance for my own. So why wait for us to meet in another life? I told him that I will take the memory of him and all the moments I spent with him to the grave with me, so why wait? The reason I didn't attend his funeral was because I didn't want to see his pale, thin, deceased body. That just wasn't the Bokuto I knew. I wanted to remember him as the healthy, strong individual he once was. I don't know if I should call it love or self-pity but at this point, it truly doesn't matter to me. I've made up my mind, I will leave this Earth before he can ever fade from my mind, and I know he would probably hate me for thinking like this. So mom, dad, and anyone else reading this, just know that I would never regret my actions. Bokuto was the best thing that ever happened to me and even though some of you never got to meet him, just know he was an amazing person who deserved the world. Just, take care of yourselves for me please because I couldn't do that for myself. Don't suffer for me because I was done suffering. Live even though I wasn't strong enough to. I love you guys and please never forget that.

Best regards,

Akaashi Keiji.