Forever Unfaithful

Where does the good go?

You woke to the buzzing of your phone against your nightstand and in response lazily slung your arm out of bed to grab it.

13 missed calls. Great. The light shone through the gap in your curtains and the brightness of your phone made you wince ever so slightly. Your alarm wasn't set to go off for another 10 minutes and even though it was just 10 minutes, you would have sacrificed anything for that extra few seconds asleep. You clicked on the notification, seeing that it was none other than Aaron Hotchner calling you. After last night's argument, you weren't sure if he was ever going to speak to you again, but something inside told you that what he was calling about was not related to the secret affair the two of you were having. 

It was never meant to be an affair, only a one time thing. But the next thing you knew you were having a secret rendezvous three times a week. There was something about the way your bodies melted into each other, the way that in his arms you felt as though nothing could ever hurt you. And most importantly, there was something about the way the sneaking around made you feel. It made you feel in control and it made the sex a thousand times better when no one else knew.

At first, your affair was purely physical. Your feelings for Aaron were...non existent. You knew that you were nothing more than  a quick fuck to him, and he nothing more than a fun time to you. However, your feelings quickly starting to develop into something more. You were convinced that deep down, he felt the same way. Not that he'd ever tell you or let on to by the way he acted and treated you. Every time after you'd had sex, he would just leave. If he was guilty, you couldn't tell. You wanted more from him, but that wasn't the arrangement.  

Your finger hesitantly hovered over the call button before pressing it. The other end of the line picked up almost immediately, which wasn't rare for Hotch. 

"Y/n, nice of you to finally pick up"

"Sorry, I was busy. I'm sure you'd understand. Y'know, preparing for a baby and all"

"Look, I need you to come in to work, we have a case. Meet us on the jet in an hour, we will update you there" You audibly sighed. "I think that we need to talk about last night, y/n. I have a few things that I'd like to say and I don't doubt that you do too" His previously commanding voice was now gentle and hushed, a side to him you only ever saw when the two of you were alone. 

"Sure, whatever, just not until later, okay?"

"Of course, y/n. See you soon." He said as he abruptly hung up. That too was not uncommon. You rolled reluctantly out of bed and rifled desperately through your wardrobe to find something, finally settling on a black pencil skirt with a matching blazer and white shirt. It was the perfect combination of cute and professional. You grabbed a travel mug of coffee from the side after applying some light makeup, you grabbed your keys and left the house, rushing to your car. You were sure you looked like a mess but honestly, it just showed that those extra 10 minutes in bed would have done wonders for your mental and physical state. 

The journey to work was a quick drive and luckily, you didn't have to stop at the lights even once. Pulling into the FBI parking lot, you looked into the mirror and prepared yourself for a day of what you presumed would be a day of dealing with crazy and the aftermath of your fight with Hotch last night. 

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The crisp white sheets you had fitted just the night before were now left in ruins. Pillows were strewn across the room in order for there to be just that bit more space on the bed and the sheets were tangled, upside down and just about wrecked in every way. A half drunken bottle of white wine was on the bed side table and it was accompanied by two empty champagne flutes lying on the carpet. There was a thin sheen of sweat that covered both of your foreheads and you were both still flushed and inhaling slightly deeper than usual. With your legs near his head, he stroked your exposed thigh gently. The silence that fell around you was comfortable, either one of you wanting to break it. That's how things were with Aaron. You didn't need to use your words and speak, the beauty of it was that you could both just lie there and say everything you needed to say by not saying it. 

Disrupting the silence, his phone rang. He picked up and his whole mood shifted. He tensed, sitting up straight and you understood when he answered the call. It was Hayley. It was always Hayley that took the precedent; not that you were surprised, they were married after all. On one hand, you loved the forbidden intimacy of being his dirty little secret. But on the other hand, you hated that Hotch couldn't tell from looking at your face that you wanted more. You wanted him to see your feelings towards him so that you wouldn't have to say it. 

In a way, you were jealous of her. You wanted what Hayley had. You envied how she could click her fingers and he would be there for her. You wanted him to be all yours, and you to be all his. 

"Hayley. No I'm now in the elevator leaving, I promise." He chuckled. You tried to stop the scowl from spreading across your face. "I'll be home in 10 minutes. Okay I will. I love you too". And there were those words. The three words that made you grimace whenever you heard them fall from his mouth, the three words that you would never hear him say to you. Especially now that the baby was coming. You sighed, making sure he could see the annoyance on your face. 

"Tonight was fun, really fun, but I have to go,"

You wanted to scream in his face, tell him that you were falling for him. But you didn't. You couldn't.  But you couldn't help the obvious look of annoyance and pain cover your face.

"Yeah, I get it." you huffed.

"Why are you making that face?"

"What face?" you shrugged, even though you knew exactly what he was talking about. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have to go. I know that you want me to stay longer and I wish I could, but I ha-" he started, but you were quick to interrupt. Something inside of you snapped and a part of your brain became out of control, the words practically tumbling out of your mouth, almost too quick for you to even register them. 

"Then do it. Stay, Aaron. Stay and show me that you want to and that you're not just saying that so I'll be free next time you wanna get off. Show me that you actually care,"

"We agreed that this was going to be just sex- nothing else. I don't know why you're getting so upset about it," he said, picking his shirt up off the floor and turning to face the mirror. "Besides, I have a very pregnant wife waiting for me at home that I made vows to. And every time we do this, I break those,"

"You don't think I know that you're married? And you don't get to lecture me about feeling guilty and breaking vows when you're the one who started this whole thing. How would Hayley feel if she found out that it wasn't the younger agent that seduced her husband, but the other way around? Hmm?" you argued, digging through the pile of discarded clothes to find your underwear.

"You knew that this was just sex, y/n, if you wanted someone to care about you afterwards, you should've found someone else," 

"I just might," you rebutted. You could see you had struck a nerve as you made eye contact with him through the mirror. "And, I just might tell your wife how you cheat on her three times a fucking week, just because she is pregnant. Or is it because she is boring in bed Aaron? Which is it? I wanna make sure I have it right when I tell her," 

"Why are you saying this y/n? Why are you picking now to do this?" by this point you had both raised your voices. The vein in his neck was dramatically pulsing, and you were slightly triumphant that so little could get such a big rise out of him. You hated the way he left you afterwards, it was time he knew that. 

 "I'm sorry if maybe- just maybe- I don't want this to be a quick fuck and then for you to leave me like a piece of garbage on the street so you can run back to your perfect little wife!" You argued back and you knew that as soon as you finished, he was going to give as good as he got. But he didn't. Instead he simply looked at you with anger flashing across his eyes and walked out, leaving you alone in your apartment. He slammed every door he went through on the way back and you hoped and prayed to God that he would go home to Hayley and sit there with overwhelming guilt for the rest of the night. You also prayed that he wouldn't be able to get you or the way you moaned his name out of his head.

You laid back in your bed and slowly began to realise that your feelings towards him were not reciprocated, and if they were, there was no way in hell he would act on them.

Saying that today would be difficult would be the biggest understatement in a while.