Zoom-ing into love

Adi: 1

My first day at work would be my last. 

Who would have guessed? No, I didn't get fired. This job is too important for me to lose. Like most 20-somethings, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and job security isn't something I'm willing to sacrifice as the only son of a middle class family. And may I add, the only son who decided NOT to pursue engineering. You see, after spending many excruciating years of high school trying to figure out physics and chemistry, I put my foot down and took up the arts. I'd be damned if I had to look at another of Newton's Laws of Motion again. I bumbled through college, realising that studying about the Neoclassical Period was only marginally better than studying the structure of an atom. But I persevered and graduated with passable marks. On the day I got my diploma, my mother looked proud but scared. What would her child do with an English degree? Good question, Mom. I was wondering the same. So, I bumbled through another two years of university. I continued my journey with English because it didn't offend me like three-dimensional geometry did.  After that though, I ran out of things to study. I wasn't smart enough for a PhD. Or even if I was, I could never come up with the sort of original research required for a doctorate. So, I turned to the job market. It was slim pickings if I can be honest with you. The world isn't full of opportunities for English grads who have no connections and minimal drive to forge their own path. But, by some stroke of luck, I managed to land an interview for Edu-Rama. Like I bumbled through college, I bumbled through the interview. The week between the interview and the phone call that confirmed my employment there was hell. 

My mother could barely look at me without disappointment in her eyes. Five years of college and university learning and her son was unemployed and good for nothing. If I was a woman, at least she would have the option of getting me married off. But, I was a man, and despite my average looks and scraggly mop of hair, I was no catch. Except, wait for it, I do have a girlfriend. Her name is Sara and she lives in Hyderabad. I know. It sounds like I'm giving you more details just to make it more believable. But I swear, it's true! I met her for the first time at a freshers mixer where she kissed me. I was drunk because I had no friends and didn't know what else to do. She was drunk because she was doing shots with the popular kids. We met at the drinks table, she spilled her tray of shots on me, she apologised, I mumbled, she drew my face to her and kissed me. I hope I kissed her back, but I think I was too stunned to do anything. I know, it sounds like a movie. Like did I just take the plot from every chick lit ever and insert it here? No. Have some faith! I'm not a completely unreliable narrator like Nick Carraway in The Great Gatsby. Or am I? Hmm...You'll have to stick with me to find out. Anyway, the next day, she just appeared at my side and we've been inseparable since. I know, it sounds too good to be true. But Romantic comedy movies do have some basis in reality. The really attractive popular girl does fall for the really average, bumbling guy. But to be honest, I don't know what she sees in me. You won't find me complaining though. She's one of those intellectual types, and most of the time I don't understand what she's talking about. But we still had the best times when we were together. Yes, past tense. She left to study for her PhD and I holed up in my room frantically searching through websites for a job. So, now we do long distance. That's decidedly not fun, but that's a tale for another time. 

Coming back to my mother's disappointment in me, (that's always a fun one to come back to, isn't it?) It was a hell-ish week. I barely ate and slept, realising that all my hopes were pinned on this job as a writer at Edu-rama. I mean it wasn't a dream job, but it was decent money and it would give me time to do what I really love to do. Which is? I don't know. I hope to try and figure it out. I'm 23 years old and it's okay for me not to know what I want to do, and what I love and where I eventually want to end up. Everyone isn't picture perfect. Most of us are on the absolute opposite end of the spectrum. So, don't judge me for bumbling around and not having a sense of purpose. Yikes! Looks like my girlfriend's and my parent's words have seeped into my very bones. I don't even need them in the room anymore to chip away at my self confidence. I do it fine just on my own. I wonder if you do that too? Imbibe other people's criticisms of you and attack yourself at random moments. Like when you're taking a walk through a park, enjoying your company, thinking of Wordsworth's lines, wandering 'lonely as a cloud', and then that ugly voice pops up in your head, 'Well of course you're lonely. With no job and the means to provide for a family, you're damn well going to be as lonely as a f***ing cloud.' You think Sara is gonna stay with you forever as you wander parks thinking about clouds?'  

Anyway, as you already know, I got the job. And I was elated. My joining date was 25th March. My mother was over the proverbial moon and my father, who had not spoken to me since I left science, acknowledged my existence by asking, 'How much is it paying?'  When I told him, he rolled his eyes and said, 'Not bad.' My mother teared up and hugged me tightly. Needless to say, I was speechless. My father's brusque words sparked a warm feeling in my chest. It was pride. Pride that I had finally elicited a response from both of them which wasn't, 'What are you doing with your life?' or 'Only girls study English, what's a man supposed to do with an English degree?'  However, that moment of joy lasted for only a moment before I became inundated with thoughts of a new workplace and interacting with new people. College was bearable because fortunately I went to a place where everyone minded their own business. At University, my girlfriend was happy to take the spotlight while I stayed in the background. Quiet, stolen moments in the park by moonlight, or occasional dates away from the cacophony of English grads postulating about the merits of Modernism were my sweet spot. I had heard that the team had forty people. I almost balked at the thought. 

But there I was. On the 25th of March, sitting at my new desk, surrounded by a sea of people who never seemed to stop. There was constant chattering, random people sidling up to welcome me to the team and the clickety clack of the keyboards as everyone furiously typed away. The noise was overwhelming. I decided to turn to my new desktop for a lack of something to do amidst the busy bodies. I saw that I had an e-mail from the owner of Edu-Rama. I opened it and read, 'We have decided to move our work to a work from home situation indefinitely in lieu of the fears about the spread of an infectious virus in the country.' As I looked up, everyone around me had read the same e-mail and it was chaos. It was like in Downton Abbey, when Sir Robert Crawley announced that Britain had entered WW2. Or when the Howler in the Weasley's wedding said, 'The Ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming.' There was a momentary pause as the words in the email sinked in and then suddenly, there was a flurry of activity, people talking to their managers, calling their homes, dashing about trying to figure out what this means.  

And that's how my first day at work, would be my last.