Will she make it?

Chapter 1

" 3am already?!" I thought. The last time I checked the time it was 12. I looked down at my wrists, covered in blood. As I wiped my tears, they kept bleeding. I grabbed a bit of tissue and held it there for what felt like hours. Waiting for the blood to stop. I don't like feeling like this and I know I'm not the only one.
* alarm rings *
My mum came bursting into my room "get up, your late!" She shouted, at what seemed to be the top of her lungs. I hate when she wakes me up like this. I just want to be left alone. I rolled my eyes "go away, I don't feel well I'm not going to school",she tries to get me to go to school but I haven't been in weeks. I've been to so many different schools it's insane.
My passion is horses,I actually have my own horse. I'm very grateful as she is my best friend and the reason why I keep going and I don't cut deeper.

Here I am at 15 years old. I haven't been to school for years. And I won't be going back. But just because I don't go to school doesn't mean my problems have stopped. In fact they have carried on to the point where I still don't want to be alive. I'm still cutting. I'm still here though. I don't know why. I guess my horse. My horse is the one there for me. I couldn't leave her. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. But it's not nice having a constant thought and threats of people saying that I shouldn't have her. We don't get on well. They have no idea. Our bond is amazing and I'm proud of both of us. It sucks when people say I shouldn't have a horse I'm not good enough they don't know that without nipper I would be lost. I wouldn't even be alive. So hearing that your no good at the only thing you feel happy at and feel like it gives your life purpose, now that sucks! I wish I was strong enough to just say fuck off. But I'm not instead I say " no no it's fine thank you." And I walk away. I have a panic attack. And I don't sleep for nights after.
Keep in mind I'm 15 this women is 50+.
You can't trust anyone. No one. I'm lucky I didn't tell her anything of my secrets. About how I'm feeling. Noe I have this constant weight on my chest. Like someone's standing on it. Heart attack? Heart condition? Or anxiety? Who knows. Maybe I have blood poisoning from the blades. Oh yeah and one more thing, guess what... we're going away in 2 weeks. Holiday. Where there are pools... idk what to do swimming costume with sleeves! No crop tops no short sleeves idkkkk what to do! And I'm freaking out! It's my first holiday with scars that are there for life I don't want my family to find out I can't let them find out. It's currently 2am on Saturday the 1st of may 2021. All I can think about is running that shower,grabbing that blade, and piercing my skin till it won't stop bleeding. I just want to feel something I'm numb. What do I feel? I don't know. I have no purpose in being here other than my horse. So my advice is if your feeling the same way as I do or similar leave school. Find a horse treat it right!!! They don't deserve us humans they deserve sooo much better! So treat them right or don't bother.

Calories today was 170. I feel disgusting I threw up though.

Tomorrow I'm trying for none or 1 if a can of coke is needed.
I know I'm not alone I know others feel this way but I just feel so alone.

———————————————————————————

Hey guys, it's Liv.
If I'm being honest I don't know if I will be carrying on with this story as it's more of a diary entry for what my life is actually like. If you are enjoying it and want more I'd love to know so I can make more chapters and improve. I know I'm not the best writer! But I enjoy it! :)
Hope your all well
Love Liv xx