Dear Suzzette ✓

Proem

Swallowing the lump on my throat, I stared at the two red lines on the pregnancy test I was holding with my shaking hands. I just got home after I bought a pregnancy kit. I decided to heed on my twin sister's advice. She has hunch that I am pregnant due to the reasons na palagi na lang  akong nagsusuka at nahihilo, kaya na o-ospital ako. 

Two lines, positive. I'm having a baby.

I unconsciously touched my stomach and bit my lower lip. There's a life in here. There's a life in my stomach. My own blood and flesh.

I don't even have an idea that you're in my tummy, baby. I am sorry. My life is messed up.

I should be happy but foreshadowing my husbands reaction I can predict what would it be. It's a blessing, a baby, my baby is a blessing—for me, but for him? I think not.

Bakit ba ako napunta sa ganitong sitwasyon?

I didn't even want to be stuck in this fucked up marriage.

I want to tell him about this but how? When he's happy in the arms on the woman he love. I'm maybe married to him, he may be my property physically but I don't have his heart.

Napalingon ako nang bumukas ang pinto at inuluwa doon ang taong mahal na mahal ko. His eyes were bloodshot. His jaw clenched as he glare at me. Malalaki ang hakbang na nagtungo siya sa akin. Hindi ko maiwasan ang matakot. I never seen him in this state, lethal and infuriated.

Bakit siya pa ang may ganang magalit?

He harshly grabbed my arms and made me stand up. Napaagik ako sa sakit.

"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin?!"

Nagtataka ko siyang tinignan. I wipe the dried tears on my cheeks and look at him. What is he saying?

"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin,ha?!" He shouted and I flinched.

He looks morbid. "Ganyan ka ba ka makasarili ha?!Putang ina!"

I grabbed my arms back.

"Ano bang pinagsasabi mo?" I asked in a small voice. My heart is clenching in pain.

"Why didn't you tell me that was Alaniz is ill?!"he shouted.

I gaped at him with teary eyes.

Her again? Alaniz. The girl he loves. My bestfriend. The mother of his child.

Napayuko ako. Sa kanya lang naman siya nagmamalasakit. Ako yung legal pero parang bakit ako ang naghahabol palagi nang atensyon niya?

Hindi pa ba sapat na tinanggap ko ang pambababae niya at ang pagkakaroon ng anak na bunga ng kataksilan niya?

"Putang ina, Suzzette! Si Alaniz yun! Ina ng anak ko?! Nang dahil sa kasakiman mo namatay siya! Nawalan na nang ina ang anak ko!"

Nanlaki ang mata ko sa kanya.

A-Alaniz.

My mouth gaped. Words left my mouth. I fell my heart clenched in pain. Gusto kong magsaya pero hindi ko magawa. She's still my friend. She's one of those people who's close to my heart. Pwede akong magsaya kasi nawala na ang kaagaw ko sa pagmamahal ni Gunner pero hindi naman mababago na mahal niya si Alaniz.

A lone tear escaped my eyes. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko.

Alaniz...

Neon...

Gunner...

"Masaya ka na?! Anong klaseng babae ka?!"

I was crying the whole time while he was throwing words of  bullshits on me. Mas lalong sumikip ang dibdib ko at unti unti akong napaluhod, I breathed for air. Nabitawan ko ang hawak kong pregnancy test dahil napatakip ako sa mata.

"Anong iniiyak iyak mo ha?! Tumayo ka diyan,  punyeta. Suzzette! Tumayo—"

Napatigil siya kay napatingin ako sa kanya. Natapakan niya ang pregnancy test, kukunin ko na sana iyon pero naunahan niya ako. He look at me in disbelief.

"Tangna! Nagpabuntis ka?! Sa kaninong lalaki?!"

Mas lalo akong napaiyak. How dare him accuse me on such things, na siya na man ang gumagawa. My heart is throbbing in pain and I can't take it anymore.

"A-Anak mo ito,Gunner.A-Anak mo rin to..." I sobbed.

He chuckled humorlessly. "Don't fcking fck with me, Suzzette Nicoleein! Kahit kailan walang nangyari sa atin."he grabbed my hair and I scream in pain. It fucking hurts.

"E-Eren,stop!It h-hurts!" I cried.

This is the first time he hurt me physically. Sanay na ako na saktan niya emotionally, pero hindi sa ganito. He didn't even respect me as his wife or even a woman. Nagsisisi ako kung bakit ko pa siya minahal.

"Masasaktan ka talaga! Akala ko pa naman natino ka! Sino sa mga pinsan ko ang kinalantari mo, huh?!"

I want to slap him for degrading me as a woman. Hindi ko alam kung saan niya nakuha ang ideyang Yan. Siya pa ang may ganang magalit sa akin!

Pinatayo niya ako at malakas na sinampal, I could feel the metal taste in my mouth because of the blood.

I cried even more.

You made a wrong decision, Lolo. He's not either a good man and a good husband. He's too far from that!

Itinulak sa sahig. Sumakit ang tiyan ko sa ginawa niya .I clenched in so much pain, I crawled to the bed but before I could, Eren harshly pulled my hair. Ibinagsak niya ako sa kama.

"P-Please stop!"

Galit na galit siya habang humahakbang sa akin, maglalakad pa sana siya ng napansin kong nanatili ang tingin niya sa may binti ko. Tiningnan ko ang tinitingnan niya, at ganoon na lang ang takot ko noong nakita ko ang maraming dugo na naglalandas sa binti ko. Napabangon ako nang marahas at umiling.

"N-No.." I muttered helplessly. "N-no...n-not my b-baby please. N-Not my baby." I cried.

"S-Suzzette..." He tried to hold me but I growled at him.

He tried reaching me but I scream at him.

"Y-You're fucking disgusting! I hate you! I regret marrying and loving you! You disgusting, pig! Don't touch me!" I screamed.

How can loving someone hurts you like this?

I was betrayed by my husband and bestfriend.

He had a child with her but I accepted it because I love him so much.

I feel disrespected. I let him love her even it cost hurting me.

I get pregnant but my baby was almost killed by his own father.

Can I still take this?

______________________________________________________________________________

xo, n