4-14-21
i've been thinking about this quite alot for a long time, but after quaranteen started i was left to think about it more... i think i finnally after years of having disphoria and being insicure with everything about me, i might have finnally relized that im ftm. I mean if i honestly ask myself if inside i feel like a girl... the answer would be no. deep inside i havent felt like i was a girl since i was younger, but part of me is worried, worried that im not ftm, that im just non-bionary or genderfluid because honestly somethimes i feel like nothing, but honestly i think im scared, im scared everyone will hate me even more than they already do, im scared that all the things people hate about me will increase, that my friends wll relize how worthless i am... but i know i need to stop lying to myself, because INSIDE i feel like a boy, when i look in the mirror I see a boy, ( an ugly boy but still), when i have dreams i almost always go by either they/them or he/him pronouns, and usually have short hair. Im honestly worried people wont believe me, that i'll be alone... i so badly wanna talk to my conciler and talk to her a bout it and other stuff, and see how she could help.. but im worrieed, because if my dad finds out he'll kill me. I honestly don't know what to do, im not sure to tell people my feelings of how i wanna go by he/him (or hey/they) pronouns. or if i should tell people i want to be called sparky. i just dont know, i also just hate gender roles, how i have to live by what i am, im a human thats all that should matter, but thats not how the world works, ig i'll figure it out soon.
i might post this, if I do than if anyone see's this ...
have any advice? anything would be helpful.
love, sparky
