An Endless Cycle

It's Not Fair

It's crazy how our bodies or minds just react. How a woman can give birth but have postpartum and not feel connected to her own child, how some people feel hatred for an individual without reason, or how I locked eyes with her for the first time and felt drawn to her like I found a part of me that I didn't know was missing. I've felt this feeling once before, only this time it was stronger; maybe because she was standing right there in front of me, and something clicked.

I was quick to dive in because my dad said when you find something like that, don't wait for the opportunity to pass you by, but she moved slow and knew that things fall into place in their own time. I knew deep down there was no chance because of the timing, and instead of just letting her go, I tried to let go of all hope for love. That it'd be easier that way... Until feelings started to be returned, and there was hope that it didn't matter how or when we met, that things had changed enough to see what we could grow, but there was so much pressure.

Pressure from my friends who knew I've wanted this so badly, pressure against us from my sister who was the link that brought our lives together; most of all, pressure from myself, knowing that I was in a worse state than when I met her the previous year, and having to learn there were bigger problems I've struggled with as far back as my childhood. I thought if I didn't seize the opportunity now, I would lose my chance forever; however, even if I could change any of my actions from the past, we were doomed from the start.

I can only hope that enough time can pass to where I can handle just being friends, but I fear that will never happen. When you feel such a strong magnetism from the very start, does it ever fade? Because I don't want to stay away forever, but if I continue to stay right now, it'll only cause more pain and destruction.