It's hard sometimes | Merluca

Part 1

This story has two parts! (The third part only contains additional scenes/ideas that I didn't finish... But I thought I would post them anyway... for whoever wants to read more) 

This story was inspired by Richard talking to Catherine about struggling with his faith... And I kinda always wanted to write something where Meredith shows up for Andrew because I think it's one of the things I loved most about them... They always showed up for each other no matter their relationship at that time...

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Although this might be a spoiler for this story, I want to say this before you start reading. Andrew is struggling with his mental health and well-being in this story... Overall I think he wants to look forward, but he has moments where he thinks about giving up to fight... And there are indirect mentions of Mer's drowning...

Please only read, if you feel comfortable with these topics. 

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"Hey, Mer."

Andrew had just approached her at the nurses' station. They were both working in the covid unit the past few weeks after Andrew had come back to work. They had changed a few words here and then in between their shifts. Not much, but it was enough for her to know that he will always be a special person in her life in whatever way.

After his diagnosis, he had gotten treatment and as far as she could tell he was getting better. She had checked in on him a few times while he was still on leave. And he had told her in parts what was going on. He had mostly kept his answers short, but for those moments she had just been glad to hear from him. And for now, she tried to give him that space.

And so, it surprised her a little when she saw him appearing at the nurses' station after his shift just ended. Not because he hadn't come to talk to her before, but because most of the time he had seemed to appreciate the space she had given him. He still gave her his warm smile when he was around her, but most of the time she noticed that he tried to focus on himself and his career for the moment. And she wanted to respect that, only able to imagine how hard it must be for him to get through this. So, it did surprise her when he came to her, calling her Mer ever so softly.

"Do you have a moment?" He added quietly once she turned around.

"Sure, what is it?" She asked questioning, not sure what to expect. His expression was more serious and without the usual smile he had for her, leaving Meredith slightly concerned.

"Could we maybe talk somewhere..."

"Yeah." She nodded, turning around to the nurse, giving her the patients' files and then went with Andrew to the nearest on-call room.

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"Is everything okay?" Meredith asked. Once they went inside the room, she turned around, so she could look at Andrew again who had stopped just behind the door.

"I- I feel like I need to talk to someone... Because... I haven't really been feeling that well the past few days and I have never been good at... keeping things inside..." He started slowly, the nervousness visible in his demeanor while he spoke calmly, almost thoughtfully at the same time. "And I will just say all that now while I have the courage inside me..." He shortly looked up as if to find that strength inside him once again before he turned towards her and continued, carefully choosing his words "I feel like all these people are happy for me to feel better again, and I do feel better... but, it's still hard and... I'm struggling. Sometimes, all I want to do is just to lay down and... give up or let go of everything... And they tell me that it will be okay, that I will be okay, but I'm so scared that I won't be okay... And I need to let that feeling out somewhere without anyone telling me that I don't need to be scared. Because it makes me feel like I need to pretend not to be scared even though I know that this isn't their intention. And I'm just... I'm terrified."