“Who can find a Virtuous Woman? For her price is far above rubies…” –Proverbs 31:1
The lump in my throat still didn’t go away, no matter how hard I swallowed. Had I heard him correctly? I turned to see his face; he was saying something I couldn’t quite make out. I was holding myself a lot tighter than when he had said those four words, “We need to talk.” I blinked several times but my vision of his face was still blurred, either from welling tears or building anger. So I stared down the path that led to our backyard. It was beautiful and colourful; the roses blossoming in the night. The children were at a friend’s place because I thought he wanted to have a romantic evening with me, not this. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many I wanted to shout but instead I dug my nails into my thighs. She opens her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness… Yes, there was so much to say but none of those words at the tip of my tongue was kind. So, I found my voice and said, “I’m a bit cold, let’s go in.” I didn’t wait till he got up before I stormed into the house through the back door and straight into the bathroom.
“Oh God!” I stopped myself before I asked “why?” But I needed to know why. I had done everything that I was supposed to do. Why wasn’t I enough? I loved this man with the whole of my being for sixteen years even in the rough times. I let myself slide down to the cold tiled floor. It was coming, I knew it, and it was like bile to me but I let it. The tears came flooding down my face, immediately, like they had been waiting for my concession. I hated crying because it was a sign of weakness, simple. I hated feeling like this. After a while, my insides felt like they were deprived of air. I took some sharp breaths. Where’s my inhaler? It was in the top cabinet or so. I scuffled off the floor, found it and took 3 whooshes. It was Anna-Marie, my first daughter, who gave it that term when she was younger.
Speaking of, my children would be back soon. What would I say to them? The same man I loved some two hours ago had just told me he had an affair 10 years ago. She girds her loins with strength and strengthens her arms. I needed to face this. I gripped the sink and said, “Lord, I need your help and I need you. Help me face this with strength and let your will be done in this marriage, Amen.” I am with you always…
It seemed everything had changed. He tried talking again later but this time he poured out apologies. I just kept nodding. What could I say? What was I supposed to say? Now, as I lay here in bed with him, I felt like I was lying with a stranger. Did I really know this man? We were both turned with our backs to each other. I felt him stir.
“Did you love her?” The words came out before I could stop them. I braced myself quickly for the answer.
“Allison…” I was sure that he had fully turned to face me and was probably propped on one hand like he always did when we had our little talks but I still didn’t turn. I couldn’t bear to face him and risk crying again.
“No, Sam, forget I asked.” I didn’t recognise my voice this time, it sounded cruel and stiff.
“I didn’t love her, Al.”
“How lo-” I paused and swallowed, “For how long?”
“I- I saw her about 4 times.”
It was like my world had just been torn down. I gripped my nightgown at my chest region. I needed my heart to stop hurting. It dawned on me that it wasn’t just a fling; it was a full blown affair. I remember I had just given birth to our third child, Kristen and instead of helping me with the children he kept late nights. It was a tough time for both of us as the franchise he worked for did some sort of retrenchment and cut out his branch. Also, we didn’t really plan to have a third child as things were already difficult. We fought a lot at the time and crying babies did not help the matter. A hot tear escaped my eyelids and left a burning path at the side of my face. I couldn’t say anything anymore.
