Over the next week, I kept praying and weeping secretly at night and when no one was around. We hadn’t said much to each other since that night and I missed him. The children had noticed and had asked about it, especially the oldest, Danny. We brushed it off and calmed their minds, saying we had a small fight. Sometimes I would just stand and stare into space, other times I would clean the whole house over and over. I thought about divorce a lot, but of course not. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life… all the days of her life… all the days of her life… Besides, I can’t see a future without Sam.
After a month of saying to God, “Lord, teach me forgiveness,” and Sam’s futile attempts to get me to forgive him, I decided to talk. I texted him to meet me at a park near the house. I bought a dress online that I thought would do my curves a little good. I got extensions for my hair and looking in the mirror, I was proud. The park was slightly cold that evening and my tummy was in a bunch. I was about to change my mind before I heard his car turn up.
“Hey…” I said as soon as he approached me. Something flashed in his eyes, hope maybe, but then it was gone.
“Hi…” he just stared at me in a way that made my toes curl and my heart skip a beat. Before I lost my nerve, I went to him and took his hand. We walked for a while without saying anything and I treasured the few moments. We both wanted to say a lot but I just held the hand of the man I loved. I came to a stop and let his hand go.
“I don’t want a divorce.”
“Darling, I- Me neither.” He sounded surprised and relieved.
“I heard you on the phone the other day, with Jimmy.” I swallowed. He nodded.
Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
Lord, teach me forgiveness. Lord, give me the words.
“Please help me understand.” I closed my eyes and I could feel him coming closer.
“I love you Al, only you. I was in a bad place at the time; I didn’t know what to do.”
“You went back!” I raised my voice this time.
“I know,” he held my hand, “and I regret every minute of it.”
I looked down at our hands intertwined, “Why didn’t you tell me then, why now?”
“Because I was ashamed, and we had just found hope. I saw a whole new view of God and I loved the family we were becoming.”
My heart was racing. Our relationship would have to be redefined. He’ll have to earn my trust back. I listened to the wind swooshing over the trees.
“I needed you to know now because I need true forgiveness from you. The Lord insisted it was vital.”
I am with you always…
I looked up at him, something I hadn’t done in a while and it hit me that telling me must have been hard for him too. My heart was hurting again and I wanted to cry, not because of sadness but something else.
“I’m proud of the man you’ve become and I’m proud that you’re my husband. I’m sorry about the way I’ve been but…”
“I understand…” Then he came up to me and held me while I cried.
I didn’t cry for long though because I was glad to be holding my husband. Standing there with him in the cool February breeze was just transcendent.
“I love you.” I said against his strong chest.
“I know.” He teased and we laughed together.
I loved this man and he loved me too, so, I reached up and I kissed him. And he did too.
“I must say you look ravishing tonight…” he said as we walked hand-in-hand to the cars.
I smiled. That was the plan. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.
“Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excel them all.” –Proverbs 31:29
