Journal Of A Depressed Black Girl

Journal Entry 1

Depression is some real ass shit. I'm living it right now. I'm just glad I'm not to the suicide stage, that will be real nasty asf.
When what you think you have buried a long time ago just comes back to hunt you and remind you of how stupid and naive you, that shit hits a different level when you are getting older and wiser and you actually realized you were indeed stupid and made fucked up choices.
Look at me falling head over heels for someone who doesn't even feel the same and yet still spent four years of my life hoping and praying that he would finally notice me, turned down loads of people just because he was the one I wanted but I was in a one way street hoping for it to be two sided, took me four years to know it would never happen, it's just the good sex for him and nothing more. Yhup we are on two different pages, I want more but he doesn't with me.
Took me long enough to know that he would never go ll the way for me like I do him, for a day that's supposed to be special for a person, once year, I feel like an after thought to him because he always forgets my birthday and I only get a mere 'happy birthday b' getting to the close of the day, but for other girls, its picture day ,nice wishes with loving messages,even instagram posts. For me to be someone you care for and all that, I don't even get to feel special on my one special day.
I can't stop hurting myself and crying a bucket load just at the thought of how stupid I had been for shutting out people, giving him What he wanted everytime from me, took me long enough to know that I am just going to be the good sex for him nd nothing more. I am totally over that know. If I can't get the more from him that I want, it's only fair he doesn't get the s x he wants from me. Even if he would finally give in, it would be too late on my side, because now, my feelings for him is almost complete gone and without it, it would never seem the same, once it's dead, it's over, nothing can change me. My emotions are completely dead now. I don't feel anything again. Love sucks, everything about it just makes me want to puke, it disgusts me. Everyone I have ever loved has only taken advantage of me and left me to lick my wounds and with the one I have loved the most, it he hurt me like 10000 times more, closing up, never letting anyone in ,cos I can't go through those pains again of losing people I love.
Lesson learnt: never fall in love and give your heart to someone if you are not sure about receiving that same energy, just a waste of time and hope.

Cheers to four years of hoping and praying to be finally noticed and getting back that same energy down the drain.
I definitely deserve the hurt I'm going through right now, lesson learnt the hard way. My heart now. From♥️ to 🖤
🕳️