it's getting bad again...

Turn off the lights, please
Can you just turn off the lights
Hey brain, why the hell are you doing this to me right now???
I should be happy
So why brain???
Just to see me cry for the sixth time so far this week
Make me feel weak
Make me feel bad again.....

I think I understood it was getting bad again
When I stopped doing everything
And I think I understood it was getting bad again
When a smile became more difficult to produce than a frown
And the worst part about being good at faking a smile is that
No one knows if you're really happy
Or if you're actually torn apart

I'll deny it though
You can even sit in front row,
Go ahead and see what you'll catch
Because I already bled myself to the bone

I knew it was getting bad again when my own internal clock stopped ticking
When the itching for joy became my new favourite pastime
When a laugh with my friends cost much more than a dime
It was more like an act that I put on with a grinning mouth that isn't even mine
Or you can ask me how I am, and I'll respond with a witty comment
I just won't commit to my feelings to confuse you;
Confuse you until you leave me

I can't feel... I don't know how to deal with this
They say they care, but I don't feel it
They don't mean it
I'm still alone despite all the people in this room
So I'll assume that I can see myself out

And I think I knew things were getting bad again
When my bed went from being a resting place, to being a tomb
When I couldn't look at any of my friends in the eyes,
And when I started to assume
That I wasn't wanted or needed
When my head felt haunted, and I pleaded

And I think I knew it was getting bad again
When my pen felt too heavy to pick up and write
When the same damn haunted dreams played in my head throughout the entire night
So, I hurt myself in hopes that I'll be able to see clearly
In hopes that those I love dearly will notice
Don't the red lines on my arms express it to you...
Or should I keep silent and internalize what I'm going through
Or should I continue to release my empty screams into nothingness
With tears flooding down my face
Tell me, if I'm so important to you
Then why am I so easily replaced

I think I knew it was getting bad again when the fog came back
And the darkness started to attack
When a simple conversation became exhausting,
And I avoided all human contact
And when I began to wonder if I'll ever get my permanent smile back

So I'll bury myself 6 feet in the dirt and make it permanent
Or should I get on my knees and repent so I can feel happy again
But if I'm on my knees begging for a smile, then I can't reach the lights
So would you just turn off the lights...
Please...