Dear Z,

Chapter 13

Dear Z,
I don't know how much we can take.

• • •

Zaid

Thursday Afternoon

I am smiling. My lips stretched till it hurt my cheeks. It's a fraud one too.

The sergeant sat in front of me, his leg folding across his other. His hand handling the short white stick of a cigarette whose one end had ashy remains nearly toppling off. Blowing out the white smoke through his nose, the dark black framed spectacles were perched on his nose. "Have you thought about what I have said?"

I keep smiling. He angled his face away, disgust etched on his face. Stabbing the butt of his cigarette on the crystal glass ashtray, burning it out. He knows I'm mocking him. "You never listened to me, Zaid. Why don't you listen to me? I only want what's good for you."

I lost the smile. "You mean, for you?"

I never understood why this rift was caused between my father and I. Especially dealing with my career. With my life. He never wanted to ask what I wanted, what my heart yearned for and with that, I was scared to tell him what I want because I couldn't bear to hear the 'no' leave him, slamming my soul with the rejection.

The thought of it hurt my head. I didn't know how we were reduced to this.

He shook his head, once. "All I have done is for you. Never me." His words sounded sincere but I have gone through this too many times. Multiple versions of the same story. I have melted before when he spoke like this, thinking maybe this time, just this time he actually means it. However, it ended in the same way. Always all for him.

It's probably the reason I take after him. I care about myself only but I at least have the decency to not include anyone so as to spare them the pain they would feel later.

I don't argue with my father nowadays. I'm too uncomfortable with throwing words and emotions at him. He must never know my ruling hurt and hate in me. Fucked up, isn't it? Can't share my own thoughts with my own father? Cant share the pain bridling inside me?

"Look, I am not meeting her. No matter how close her father is to you. I will not marry." I stand my ground. Vile bile jumping my stomach. Jaw flexing to control myself from lashing out.

"So what will you do then? Stay alone for the rest of your life? Fuck with skanks every night? Is that who you want to be?"

I try not to flinch. His words cut a cord. A strong one. Every time I try to build walls after walls, tombs after tombs around me, he manages to swing a wrecking ball right through them. The bricks tumbling down like they had nothing to glue them together in the first place.

I grit my teeth. "What I do with my life is my own fucking business."

"Then after your sister's wedding, leave and never come back. I don't want to see you!"

My palms that are already fisted like solid rocks, twist more. Nails biting into my skin. My skin reddens. "Why then, I will leave now!" My voice loud and clear.

I almost turn when my father jumps and grabs a hold of my bicep. I see the thick vein in his forehead pop. "Your sister needs you. Your mother needs you now. You can leave after everything is done but if you leave now, you will see your mother's and sister's tears on the happiest day of their lives and that's something you have to live with for the rest of your life. Choose very wisely how you will proceed."