The Journal

Four Twenty

You would think that I would be out and about with everyone else today. Getting higher than a kite to celebrate the fact that I'm a senior in high school, or that I survived one of the world's deadliest pandemics. No, instead I am logging into Google Meet for about 5 whole minutes. I don't have the luxury of going out and getting zooted. I have to stay inside the two-bedroom apartment for 8 hours a day because one middle-aged woman thought that it was a good idea for students to be "equal" in time to our in-person counterparts. I have to watch a laggy screen that has about 3 whole megapixels. I'm so sorry that I can't take notes, Mrs. Baker, you currently sound like a Russian robot with all the connection problems I'm having. With the lag that I currently have, you look like one too. Oh, lovely, #3 has texted me. Ok, so I was sort of in a relationship with this one Junior. He has red hair and was immature and an idiot but holy shit did I like this kid. I can honestly say that I loved him, but he didn't want me to love him in a friendly way. I got with this guy and he couldn't handle it, I wasn't going to try and keep him because I knew that I was hurting him. So I let him go. Once I got over the sad excuse for a guy that my ex is, I started missing him. Really badly. I was just turning 18 at this point so I did the only natural thing to do when you're missing a 5'8 carrottop Junior who is in band, and PROUD of it. I downloaded Tinder. I have narrowed it down to around three guys. There is number 1, who is like the perfect guy that you take home to mom. I mean he's mad cute and super sweet and I don't ever have to worry about him trying anything that is dumb or going to make me uncomfortable. He is just an all-around good person. Did I mention that he is also really funny and has seen all the good movies so we can make jokes together and he gets my references? So we have the best guy and yet he also is still in love with his ex. That meant that he is so emotionally unavailable it makes me look healthy. Anyway, we don't talk a lot because he has a lot of stuff to do on the base. All three of the guys are air force and it is kind of annoying.

After Tommy, there is number 2, Martin. He is from England and has a slight British accent. It comes out sometimes whenever he says things without thinking and it really is not fair. He is currently an hour and a half away from me and there was this weekend a few weeks ago that my mom was out of town and I was lonely so I invited him over. Long story short we slept together and he was really sweet about it and now we talk a lot. He was in the last place out of all the guys and it was because he pissed me off. He really gets on your nerves but I really am drawn to him. I am fully aware that it sounds stupid but there really is something about him. He is also the nicest friend that I've known and I love being around him. He says shit that will piss me off and I know that but I can't help but smile not even a full minute later because of him. He is an idiot but I like it so much. Like I was really anxious Sunday (two days ago) and I found out that he was in town and this boy came over and sat outside my dad's house. He hugged me and God it felt so good. We ended up making out but it's always fun with him. We didn't even go farther and it was so fucking nice. He is funny and stupid and he makes me want to smack him sometimes but honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. He is amazing at neck kisses and is so kind about all the crap I've been through. The reason that I like him so much is that I am an empath and he is kind of like a calm place. I go around all day and just absorb energies and emotions from people and it is really exhausting and I was not having it Sunday. The moment I step into the car with him he pulls me into this hug and I was so much better. I don't know what it is about him but he just makes me so calm. He is better than a nice nap when you're tired. The problem is that he really does get me so pissed off or hurt about random shit. It's not fun. We don't see each other a lot in person so the fact that he makes everything better isn't that influential. He doesn't know that he makes me feel like that, and I think that is for the best. He really wouldn't like me as more than just a friend with benefits. It kind of hurts but there is nothing I can really do. 

Last but not least, is number 3. He is a gamer that is the weirdest person I have ever met. He wants to live forever and his goal is to unite everyone. He has also found a way to be either numb or happy. Like he goes through shit where he is completely just void of all emotions and he will walk for like 15 min and deal with all his crap. I have no idea how liking someone fits into that. He also just doesn't date because he thinks that it's stupid. He just wants to be friends with benefits with me but it would be exclusive. I don't get it but he is cute and is a nice person to talk to so that's chill. 

So that's all three of them. The problem is that I shouldn't really get attached to any of them because the moment I start really liking them they always find a way to hurt me. Earlier today Martin, number 2, was my #1 on snap and his emoji changed to where I was also his #1. Now it is back to just a normal best friend emoji. I really wish that he would either be a jerk or catch feelings for me. I know he won't do either though. With all the shit I always put him through I really don't understand why he stays. I have tried to push him away and he doesn't take it. Every time he finds a way to sort it out and calm me down and I don't know why he puts in the effort. He says it's cause I'm a great person and he wants to be friends with me but I don't get it because all I do is rant and then I'll only send pics of my face all day and then he finds a way to hurt me so I say I want to back off. I don't get why he would put in the time and effort. He should really find another FWB, and I have told him that but apparently, he doesn't want to.  

God, I look how I feel, like crap. I have dark eye circles and my face is thin and you can tell exactly how much sleep I haven't been getting. I really wonder why any of them want me. I get that I am funny sometimes. I mean I am actually a giant. I am 5'10 and I have brown hair and brown eyes. Fair-skinned with freckles spread across my cheeks give me the look of a girl who is only trouble. 

I don't know why people try with me. I have so many daddy issues and I have gone through so much trauma I think that when people treat me with actual respect that they are trying really hard. I am not easy to deal with and although I know that I am worth all the crap that people have to go through for me to really trust them I still wish they didn't have to go through it all. I keep wanting to think that there is someone out there who is as sarcastic as I am and yet they are also as caring as I am and yet time and time again I'm proven wrong. What if I am the only one that will ever actually get me? What if nobody is going to want me? I shouldn't leave on a bad note but I can't help but be honest.