Not A Day Will Go By

Five Years Later

I'm okay. That's what Emma told herself every day as she woke up. Without fail. Because maybe if she kept saying it, one day it might finally come true. Maybe one day she would remember as her eyes fluttered open and she wouldn't reach out for someone who wasn't there. Someone who was long gone. Someone who she hadn't seen in five years. Someone who, no! No, no, no, no, no. She can't do that this morning. She can't think about him. It was too hard. Too painful. Too much. Because, god, every time she does it feel like her soul is leaving her body. It feels like she's dying. And, oh god, now she's thinking about him. She's thinking about kissing him and this arms wrapping around her and twisting her fingers round his hook. She's thinking about his beautiful, piercing sea-blue eyes that always made her feel so connected and safe and his messy dark-brown hair that she loved to run her hands through.

She's thinking about the morning after they slept together for the first time and how he gently brushed his fingers against her hip bone and how his wide smile still seemed a little nervous and how he stared at her with so much love and affection. He always looked at her in that way. Like she was the only woman in the world. Until he hadn't. Until that day that she didn't want to and couldn't think about. But now she is. And, oh god, it feels like she's drowning and she can't breathe. And there are tears pouring down her face. And is this what dying feels like? This should've been their fifth anniversary. They were supposed to get married a week after that day (no, stop thinking about it, Emma!) She had been so close to being able to say that she was happily married to her true love. So close to becoming Emma Marie Swan-Jones. So close to get her happy ending.

But she'd thrown it all away and what for? A dumb kiss with a guy she hated who had abandoned her in jail. While she was pregnant. And, god, she was really thinking about it, wasn't she? Imagining what could've and should've been and hating, hating herself for what actually happened. Because it was all her fault. All her goddamn stupid, idiotic fault. And, god, how could she have done that to him? She asks that question every day as that heartbroken, betrayed expression he had worn popped into her head. There was no love in his eyes. Only hate. Anger. Pain. And she really didn't blame him. She'd payed the price, of course. She'd lost her true love and now he every waking moment felt like a hellish nightmare. She found it hard to sleep without him, having grown so used to having his body pressed up against hers every night. Meaning she was exhausted all the time.

She had no direction. No purpose. She just thought about him and the life she could've had if she hadn't been so stupid. So goddamn stupid. She could've been happy but now she wasn't. She was miserable and would continue to be miserable for the rest of her life. Because it was a life without him. It made her feel like her chest was collapsing on itself. Maybe she wasn't okay. Maybe she was broken into a million tiny pieces and couldn't be fixed. Because he wasn't there. Because he was gone. Because she'd never be able to see him again. She had walked a lot in the last five years. It was comforting and relaxing. And as she stared in awe at the beautiful landscapes and felt the cool wind fly through her air. She found herself smiling and forgetting for a few seconds. Peace. Serenity. Clarity. Then all the pain and heartbreak came flooding back and it felt like she was dying all over again.

As she walked, Emma thought about everything and nothing. She thought about her parent and there concerned looks and quiet conversations about her. She thought about Henry and how quickly he was growing up. She thought about him and how much she'd messed up. Five years ago, she wouldn't have been able to imagine a life without Killian in it. But now she was living it. Her own personal hell. Often she got caught up in her thoughts and didn't realise that the world was passing by her. And that's what was happening on this particular day. She was thinking about their first meeting as she heard the dull thud of her feet against the pavement. It could almost be considered a therapeutic sound. Comforting. Relaxing. And once again she found herself being pulled off to another world where all her problems slipped away. Even if it was just for a moment. Peace. Serenity. Clarity.