i'm stuck in this old house
for 3 more years
with nothing to show my process
how am i gonna get out of this damned place
what's gonna be my "big escape"?
maybe i need to run away
for my mental health
but they're gonna come looking for me
nobody sees the part of my mom i see
nobody sees the fucked up, manipulative, asshole
she really is
and i understand why
she puts on a mask
every time my friends are around
she turns into a different person
she used to be like that around me
now she's different
it can't be my fault
can it?
same with my dad
except he died 6 years ago
i hate to say it but shit
it's better now than it ever was
i don't mean to be rude
but if you were in my place
you would've thought so too
he wasn't a good person at all
but somehow i still care for him
i'm not sure why
he's dead
he's out of my life and im perfectly fine
sometimes i have dreams about him
not the "i wish you were still here" kinda dreams
but the "i'm always going to haunt you" kind
he's gone now
he can't hurt me anymore
fuck you
you traumatized me
i get scared at night thinking you'll come back
and take me
because i exposed you
you took advantage of me
you were 19
i was 13
i didn't know what i wanted
but it sure as hell wasn't that
i made the decision to sneak out
but i didn't know you were going to do the things you did
i didn't want it
but i guess nowadays it doesn't matter
"she's lying!"
as you said to my mother
after she saw the bruises you left on me
i don't remember much from that night
just that i never want to see you again
it all happened in this town
this stupid town
with all the fucked up people you could think of
worse than anyone can think of
everything in my life has gone to shit
i've been through so fucking much
nobody believes me until they see proof
the pictures he took
the pictures i took
the scars on my thighs
and arms
and even the fucking death certificate from my dad
nobody believes my story
but they don't need to
i'm the only one who has to know
and i'm the only one who needs to care
your older guy friends
and pretty much all of your old friends
they would take pictures of you changing
and send it around
to the whole school
so you have to move
and make new friends
new love interests
it's time to reinvent yourself
into a new person
so you cut your hair and change your name
and pray no one finds out who you were
or find out about the pictures
or find about your fucked up mess of a family
and when all your teachers yell at you
for never showing up to school
because being in the mental hospital just wasn't enough for them to take in
it's all about passing
whether it's your gender
or your grades
my parents couldn't accept the fact that i went by they/them pronouns
it bothered them
even when i told them
that i preferred it
you.
you should even be here
you never hurt me
or even tried to
well
you hurt me without knowing
ignoring me
after i compliment you
and hold the door for you
and after the little things you barely know i'm a person
you don't care about me
all you know me as is
"my friends sister"
but i'm more than that
i have a name
and i'm hoping one day you learn it
i hope some day we can be more than mutuals
sometimes i try to compliment you but you don't realize it
you think i'm being sarcastic
