I knew it was going to happen... i just wasn't expecting it just yet. Not in the summer holidays. I was expecting it to come years and years in the future. "He knew it was going to happen, he knew he was ill" his doctors told me. What I didn't understand was why he never told me. He could have given me time to prepare so I didn't feel like I was now. The fact that he knew killed me a little inside. The fact that I could have made better arrangements, with his help upset me a lot.
His name is Paul. He is thirty nine and he is my dad. I couldn't have asked for anyone better and now he's gone. I had to see him. I had to see him one last time and I don't care how much it hurts, how much I cry. He's my dad and I'm not ever going to have another one.
Lifeless, he led on the bed I poked him and he didn't budge. I wanted to pick him up and give him a good old shake but I knew that wasn't possible. After all he is twice the size of me and he is built like a brick shit house. But he's my dad and I couldn't just stand there and do nothing. "Stay strong" i heard a voice coming from behind me. I recoginised it. I turned arround to see who it was but everything I saw was a blur from the tears in my eyes. I wanted him back. I need him back. Who else would I go to if I had any problems at school, when I needed someone to take me for a drive to clear my head. He had only been gone a short while but I missed him already. I cried about him a lot and as time went by it seemed to slow down and I thought about Paul more.
It took me ages to get over the fact that he was gone. Getting over his death made me change a bit. I wasn't the shy, innocent little girl I was before. Now I was the type of girl that played by her own rules. I stopped caring about everyone. My mum walked out on us when I was just three and now I'm fourteen I've lost my dad as well. I was never close to either of their parents so I moved in down the road with Jamie and his family. They sold the house for me and I inherited everything as they owned everything. I kept quite a lot of things like the 15 photo albums. One for every year of my growing up, and I was determined to keep that going I thought about doing one for every year of my life and even getting my children to do it. My dads camera collection, he had loads of them. I couldn't sell them or give them away to some charity shop. They meant everything to him, we went on holiday just so that he had an excuse to take loads of pictures. Looking through his things, I couldn't stop the tears from welling up any longer. I was sat on his side of the bed looking through his draws and I found a photo in a frame. The photo was of him holding me the day I was born. I couldn't not believe that I had not seen this photo before.
Jamie was a good friend. He always seemed to be there when I needed someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on. He had long back hair that flicked perfectly across his forehead with a cute little flick, he had big, blue eyes and an overwhelming smile. Time always went slightly quicker when I was with him, he was just so perfectly amazing. He's in a band and at first I didn't like them but they grew on me and now my whole opinion of music has changed. We grew up together but I couldn't help but hope something was going to happen. He helped me sort everything out. We gave most of my dads clothes to charity shops along with a few other bits that I didn't want but someone else might. Jamie also found a big box of empty photo albums with numbers sixteen all the way up to twenty-five. I guessed these were the ones I was going to use to make my photo albums.
"This is taking longer than I thought it was going too" Jamie complained. Although I did kinda expect dads parents to help me as my dad was, wait no, is their son, I was enjoying the time I was spending with Jamie. It gave us a chance to get to know each other better as I was now living with him. However I knew it would be weird if I told him that I liked him so I figured if I got to know everything there was to know then it would be weird if we ever got together so I wouldn't like him anymore. If that makes sense. And anyways even if he did like me he had a very funny way of showing it. "I know but we need to get this done and anything I decide to sell you can help me and we can share the money" I said. I know that it's wrong using money to get to Jamie but I wasn't going to spend it... I had nothing to spend it on as I was getting money from the house as well so it wasn't as if I couldn't afford to give him anything.
I used to live in a big house, three floors. My room was one of the biggest in the house and it had an en suit with a separate shower and bath! We had two living rooms. One decent one for when we had one of dads posh work parties or if my grandparents were coming over. And the other living room was for everything else. Dad and I used to sleep in the living room on bomb fire night because we could see all the fireworks as it linked onto our back garden. We had such a laugh, we ordered in pizzas, and had lots of bottles of different fizzy drinks. Every year we hired a movie from blockbusters. Normally I get to choose. And then we buy ice cream and sweets to go in the ice cream. We spent ages together.
But now everything's going to be a hell of a lot different. People will treat me differently when they find out that I no longer have biological parents. Well guess what I don't want their fucking sympathy. Just just want someone to stand by me and be my friend. I only need the one person. And I have her, although she doesn't know yet. I can't bear to face her or anybody just yet. I need time. And lots of it and then I will face her explain everything and she will forgive me she always does. And I owe her so much for everything she's ever done for me.
