Darling Dearest [H.S.]

01-i'm a mess

The scalding water being emitted from the showerhead flowed over my body, soothing it like a well-manufactured pill. Even with the sounds of the water muffling my hearing, the sounds of the city weren't drowned out. The honking of an iconic yellow taxi cab, the shouting of an angered New Yorker, the barking of a cooped up dog. Eight floors up in my quaint studio and the ambiance didn't falter.

My eyes watched the last of the lavender shampoo from my auburn hair circle the drain and that was my signal to shut off the water. Now the pitter-patter from the water dripping from my hair was the room's soundtrack. I wrapped the towel around my frame and sauntered over to the mirror. An audible groan escaped my lips as the sheer tiredness of myself stared back at me. The previous night's venture was sure to fuck me over today, but too late now I guess.

The time of 3:31 a.m. taunted me. Every day I seem to double-back on if this really is the career for me. At this point, the question is a joke. Two years of undergrad at UCLA and four years of med school at UW before being matched into residency at the surgical program at New York-Presbyterian was nothing I would throw away now. The shooting pain in my head was definitely going to serve as a good reminder as to what not to do from now on. My hand met my temple and tried to relieve it, but it seemed like Tylenol was the only thing that was going to save the day.

I splashed cold water on my face before making my way to my bed where I had laid out my outfit. The big first day was finally here. My first impression had to be adequate. The outfit of my choice was black dress pants, a deep blue button-down, and my trusty black heels. Thankfully the outfit didn't have to be too functional. I'm sure that by the time I reach the front doors I'll be yearning to change into some scrubs and sneakers.

My towel fell to my ankles as I got suited up in my clothes. The fabric boosted my morale for my upcoming day. I desperately tried to soak this in. As soon as I was fully dressed I hastily brushed through my hair and pinned back the top half. I sat on the end of my bed and my reflection was present in the window, due to the fact it was still dark. My face definitely is young-looking and that is because it is. I started school before everyone else, began my undergrad while I was still in high school, and graduated before everyone else. That left me at a solid 22. A fresh 22 at that being that my birthday was two months ago.

The list of things to worry about seemed to be stacking up, but I had to remember that today was the gateway to my future. I shook off my doubts and strode over to my small kitchen. The Keurig buzzed as I popped in a peppermint mocha cup. Between my steaming shower, the nice outfit my body adorned, and my upcoming cup of energy I was sure to be ready to head out the door soon. While waiting for my cup to fill, the reality of everything began to soak in. It was all finally happening. Everything I had planned since I was a measly eight years old. As a last thought, I swiped on some black mascara. The subtle makeup brightened my eyes. I also downed two Tylenol, wishing that the throbbing in my head would settle down.

With a final glance in the mirror, my packed bag on my shoulder, and a hot coffee in hand, I locked up and was on my way. It seemed like I was the only one awake in the whole apartment building, but as I stepped off the elevator and out into the city the noise erupted. The subway was only two blocks away, thankfully. Even though the month is June the early morning sent a chill through the air. Goosebumps covered my chest and gave me a pep in my step to get to the underground. Soon enough I swiped my subway card and stood waiting.

New York City's musk was masked by my beverage being placed to my lips. The refreshing peppermint coffee mixture got me through until the arrival of the subway. I found the nearest unoccupied seat and got settled in. This action is something I could get used to. I found serenity in a nice routine. The previous night's endeavor of drinking with my brother was out of character and broke the routine I had going. My phone's horrendous screeching alarm this morning began my ongoing headache. Flashbacks of the seemingly never-ending shots of vodka flooded my mind and I pushed them away. Like I said never again. I've always been hyper-focused on my education and not alcohol and partying, but when my older brother offered to take me out before I got consumed by my internship I couldn't say no. I definitely have a difficult time saying no.